Today, I'm halfway through of packing my stuff as we are moving to another flat. I discovered that I got chickenpox, which means that I should do no hard physical work. I've got a fever and a headache. It started raining in the morning, so loading stuff to truck is going to be so much fun. FML
Today, my best friend called me a slut during an argument, and I couldn't stop myself from laughing. She lost her virginity at 13 years-old, and all four of her kids have a different dad. When I mentioned it, she gave me a black eye. FML
Today, my car broke down at a red light. A man pulled up next to me and yelled at me to get out of the fast lane. I thought he was gonna offer help, as I was a young woman on her own, but he just yelled at me and sped off. FML
Today, some person I don't even know called me a scammer on my Facebook, and my mutual friends, who know my actual "GPS coordinates" blocked me before bothering to hear my side. FML
Today, on the road in China, I committed a small offense. A cop saw me, stopped me and told me that I deserved to be punished. He didn’t fine me, instead he sent me to the naughty step for five minutes. FML
Today, I wanted to top up my shower gel dispenser. After carefully squeezing the entire tube into the dispenser, I realized why it looked so white: I'd mixed the remaining shower gel with the entire tube of fancy, expensive, organic body lotion that my grandma had given me for Christmas. FML
Today, marks the day I break up with my boyfriend after being cheated on for years, and getting a few STIs from him. It's also the year my mum died, and so did my dog, just 20 days apart. 2023 has not been my year. FML
Today, my sister-in-law told me that I might have to start drinking more herbal teas to calm my mind, but not the antidepressants that the psychiatrist prescribed for my PTSD. I already drink more tea than most people. FML
Today, my girlfriend got fired from her job for arguing with her female coworker. I found out from a mutual friend that the reason they were arguing was because they were fighting over "a hot male coworker" who hooked up with the female coworker. I think I need to leave her. FML
Today, we all know the expression “Salt in your wounds” and it sounds rather unpleasant, right? Well, I just managed to breathe in while biting into an egg, so trust me, salt in your lungs isn’t great, either. FML
Today, my boyfriend's 12 year-old son was making such loud and disgusting sounds while eating ramen noodles that it took every ounce of my self-control not to punch him. FML
Today, I can't make friends. Every community event I go to, I'm the youngest person by decades, everyone I exchange contact info with in person never messages me back, and people I meet online ghost me before we get past "How are you?" I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I just want friends. I'm so fucking lonely. FML
Today, I almost got in trouble at work, all because I inadvertently referred to a 19 year-old patient’s 47 year-old husband as her father. I didn’t know this until she got so upset that she threw a tantrum, filed a complaint against me, and requested another nurse. FML
Today, my mom broke it off with her online boyfriend. That wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact he's in the military, knows our address, and apparently is threatening to kill himself if she doesn't take him back. She tells me not to worry cause we have guns in the house, but I still don't feel safe. FML
Today, my long-distance boyfriend announced he’s sleeping with someone else and he can’t take the distance anymore. I literally drive 12 hours to see him every weekend. I just took a week off to spend time up there with him. So basically he can’t go 5 regular days of the week without sex. FML
Today, my long-distance boyfriend of three and a half years told me he was leaving me for a girl he met at his Uni, because, “I’m tired of jerking off all the time and I need intimacy.” He’s only known her for two months. So the three and a half years together meant nothing to him then? FML
Today some young teenager nervously approached me, saying he’d done a drawing of me, and that I could have it if I wanted, then he ran off blushing. I thought it was cute until I saw the picture. It was me and him in extraordinary detail, having anal sex, with a dildo up my vagina. FML
Today, I met my new drill sergeant. Let's just say I wasn't expecting him to literally bark orders. FML
cacheson tells us more.
cacheson 42
My first ever thing published on FML! I was actually really surprised when I submitted this that no one else had made the joke yet!
Today, I gave my boyfriend an ultimatum: me, the girl who’s been there through thick and thin for the past 2 years, supported him through his unemployment and death of his father, and who cooks and cleans for him every day, or the girl coworker who he’s been emotionally cheating on me with. Guess who he chose. FML
Today, my class had a meeting with a representative of our state, encouraging us to "attempt to politely engage with people who disagree with you." Not even an hour later, I saw an image on social media comparing a prominent political figure to Satan. How the fuck am I supposed to engage with someone like that? FML
Today, my mom slaved over a hot stove making a meal for 20 guests. They all cancelled at the last second. We now have leftovers for 20 people. FML
Today, my dreams are populated mostly by grocery store employees, people from NextDoor, my cat, and people I haven’t seen in 30 years. FML
Today, my dad asked to borrow my glasses to look for his glasses. He then took them off because they were extremely tight on his head, and gave them back to me. Then he turned around and walked into a wall. I sure hope my eyes don't get that bad, although they probably will by the time I'm 40. FML
Today, I found out that my psycho roommate replaced my milk with milk of magnesia. How? By taking a huge gulp. Tonight is going to be fun. FML
Today, my mom came to me, hysterically crying that her boyfriend had hit and choked her. I’d feel bad for her except he’s my ex who also beat me, yet when I turned to my mother for help she decided to take him in instead and get pregnant with his kid. What goes around comes around bitch! FML
Today, I heard that my stepmom’s mother passed away… via a public Facebook post made by my dad. FML
Today, I made homemade pasta from scratch. I spent hours kneading the dough, rolling it out, and cutting it into perfect strips. When I went to cook it, I realized that I forgot to add salt to the dough. The pasta tasted like damp cardboard. FML
Today, during an argument, my girlfriend said she wasn't having sex with me anytime soon. She never wants sex in the first place, so her threat fell pretty flat. When I pointed this out, she went absolutely apeshit and started throwing plates at me. FML
Today, I was working from home and had an important meeting with my superiors. It was fine until my sleepy wife came in and asked if I could find a better time for calls. I didn't notice her right away and failed to disable my camera. She was fully naked, and I received an email about inappropriate behaviour later. FML
Today, after two rounds of antibiotics, I got a yeast infection. My husband started calling me "Yeasty." FML
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