Today, after a few years of not feeling ready since my daughter born, I went to my ex's apartment to tell her I am ready to be a dad. Turns out she moved out, two years ago, and left me forwarding address for me. I tried calling her phone. The number was disconnected. FML
Today, I found out the hard way that other people can see your replies on Threads. I’m now sleeping on the couch and my girlfriend gave me 10 days to find another place to live. FML
Today, I bumped into a guy I bullied for years at a bar. He was actually cool and laughed about it, but my stupid drunk ass kept urging him to hit me because I felt bad about it. We went outside and he thrashed me. At least we're friends now, I guess… FML
Today, I started building a basic bookshelf from a flat-pack kit without looking at the instructions, because "How hard could it be?" I finished just as the last screw went in, then noticed the back panel was facing outwards and every shelf was upside down. Taking it apart took longer than putting it together. FML
Today, while away at college, I had a flirty relationship with a girl living on the floor below me. It turned physical. Heavy petting, making out, lots of over the clothes stuff. Home on break and visiting my girlfriend at work, there she is, working with her, standing side by side as I walked up! What?! FML
Today, I saw someone at the buffet get two plates in a row. I told my date that, “People nowadays have no self control.” Unbeknownst to me, he was within earshot and told me, “FYI, I was getting a plate for my disabled mother.” After dinner, my date unmatched me and blocked my number. FML
Today, I called my ex to ask if he could help with bills and buying some nice things for my son. He said, "Look, I'm not going to keep doing husband and father shit for a woman who won't marry me and a kid who isn't mine. Go call his dad." His dad is a deadbeat. He knows this. FML
Today, I set an out-of-office auto-reply for my work email saying, “Currently out of the office, pretending to care somewhere else.” I forgot to turn it off. My boss emailed me three times before I noticed. FML
Today, I answered a call I thought was from my friend and opened with, “What do you want, fuck face?” It was actually my dentist confirming my appointment. There was a long pause before she politely repeated my name to ensure they had the right patient. FML
Today, my ex was fucking me, tossing me on his bed and pulling my clothes off. I can't resist sex, but I whimpered, "I'm ovulating…" It seemed to turn him on more. I hope to god I don't get pregnant. FML
Today, I was conducting a meeting via Zoom when I saw one of my subordinates drinking from a brightly colored can that looked like beer. I loudly called him out, interrupting one of my colleagues. He held it up and clearly visible was "SELTZER" on the can. Not even hard seltzer, just regular. FML
Today, desperate for money, I stepped out in front of a car, hoping to get a hefty bribe not to take the driver to court. He slammed on his brakes and barely tapped me. When I fell onto his hood and started screaming, a passerby said, "That's the fakest scam attempt I've ever seen." FML
Today, I thought my man was cheating on me. I took a screenshot his bank transactions because I found a woman’s name. I went down a rabbit hole and it turned out it’s the name of an actual store / company. FML
Today, I clicked on an “Angel Message” website link from a website I use to research Wicca. As I am a witch with 7 years experience, I knew this was too good to be true, but thought it would just be good for a laugh. Turns out it was a scam website. FML
Today, I went to the gym. This really fat and gross guy got on the machine next to men and I figured he'd hit on me but he didn't even look at me the whole class. Now my self-esteem is in the gutter. FML
Today, I'm stuck driving a 20 MPG sports car because nobody wants to buy it off of me, instead of riding a faster, 50 MPG motorcycle. FML
Today, I asked my husband if I should wear my black or red heels with my dress. He looked me up and down from the sofa and said, “We needed to leave 45 minutes ago to have any prayer of getting there on time, I'm now watching TV, so you and your heels please leave me alone now.” Oops. FML
Today, I was doing some fun scat play with my boyfriend when the fire alarm went off. We both had to scramble into the shower to rinse off, clogged the drain, and left dirty footprints all over the apartment. Then we forgot to turn the shower off and came back to a flood. FML
Today, I went to my girlfriend's mom's horse barn. Then I stepped in horse poop. Also I am full of dust. Dusty boi. FML
Today, I had my first ever mega brain fart. I was watching videos on YouTube when I noticed strange music playing. I paused the video and the music played on. When I turned the app off, I realized the music was coming from the TV, which I had on at the same time in case ads came up. FML
Today, I found out that I’m pregnant just a few weeks after our wedding. I have no idea who the father is because before my wedding I had closure sex with my ex. He’s an olive-color skin tone Latino. My husband is white Caucasian. FML
Today, my dentist asked me if I floss regularly. Wanting to avoid judgment, I lied and said yes. He nodded, started cleaning my teeth, then pulled out an entire popcorn kernel that had apparently been living in my gums long enough to pay rent. FML
Today, my adult daughter reached out to me, asking to mend our relationship. I told her there would be nothing until she paid me back for what I spent raising her ungrateful self. In response, she laughed at me, said, "Never mind" and flipped me off as she walked out. FML
Today, while I was cooking a cauliflower soup, I wanted to make sure my cat didn't lick my serving spoon, so I put some bergamot extract in the bowl where it was laying. I then proceeded to pour the soup into the bowl. Let's hope my bergamot extract is the edible variety. FML
Today, the girl I was seeing was concerned about why I haven’t texted her in the past day. I sent her a picture of my newborn daughter and told her that my sister had a baby, and that I was helping her out. I had inadvertently sent it to my wife instead, because both their names started with H. She “Read” it already. FML
Today, I managed to convince my wife that a random YouTube profile logged into our bedroom TV was a hacker who'd hacked our Wi-Fi and planted a virus on our TV. She ate it up like an all you can eat buffet. The profile is actually a coworker of mine, who I’ve been secretly seeing. FML
Today, a cute guy asked me out for coffee. I like him but didn't want it to be easy, so I said, "Coffee dates are for broke bums, aim a little higher." He said, "Aight I will, peace out" and walked off. FML
Today, I was pissing in a bathroom and I tossed my empty energy drink can into the toilet for laughs. The unnecessarily powerful flush sucked it up where it got stuck and caused me to get sprayed with toilet water while I frantically tried to open the stall. FML
Today, I shaved my armpit hair. After growing it for so long, it's gone. FML
Today, a guy at my community center screamed and swore at me that I was lying about being a "professional hacker" because I didn't have Linux on my laptop. He then demanded that he teach me how to code. He's in his thirties and genuinely doesn't know what a computer lab is, or what uploading is. FML
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