Today, after my 14 year-old son brought home six Fs on his report card, we decided to take away all his video games and sell them. He screamed for hours, then went into the kitchen and started smashing glasses against his head, "until we brought back his games." FML
Today, I realized that I'm going to miss my mom's boyfriend's dog more than I'm actually going to miss him. The relationship is practically over but I've grown fond of his dog. FML
Today, at my art school, during the class my teacher left the classroom. I stood up from my seat to ask my friend something. When I sat back down, one of my guy classmates was sitting there. I sat on his lap and right at that moment my teacher came back. FML
Today, I have my bedroom window covered in tinfoil, since there is an insanely bright streetlight right outside my window and nothing else works to block it so when I brought a girl back to my place and she opened the blinds, she saw the tinfoil and stared in horror. I tried to explain but she just stared and stared. FML
Today, I decided to start jogging again for the first time in months. I made it one block before tripping over the curb. I fell so hard, my phone flew out of my pocket and hit a parked car, setting off its alarm. I ran off when I saw house curtains all around me start to twitch. FML
Today, my 14 year-old son got into a fight with his 15 year-old cousin. I say fight, my son just practically lamped him into orbit. When I yelled and asked why he did that, my son said, "He was mogging me." I had to get my phone out to look up what that even meant. I'm still not sure what it means. FML
Today, after I injured my left wrist from holding my nephew the wrong way for too many hours on New Year's, and found out that it would optimistically take 4-6 weeks to heal, this morning I managed to give myself second degree burns on my right hand from handling a tray I didn't know was hot. So that's three weeks with no hands. FML
Today, I found out that my favorite female coworker was in a car accident. When I told my girlfriend, her only reaction was to roll her eyes and sarcastically say, "Oh no." She then immediately, and very enthusiastically, asked if the accident killed her. FML
Today, I spent the day cleaning my apartment because my parents are visiting on Monday. I finally finished at midnight and went to bed exhausted. Then my mother called to say they couldn't make it after all. FML
Today, wildfires are unfortunately ravaging a place dear to my heart, and displacing people. My family decided to offer accommodation to displaced people. That’s the story of how the man I am secretely in love with ended up sleeping in my bed and me, not. FML
Today, I walked a good 5 minutes across campus, through a few large hallways and up some stairs, with about foot of toilet paper hanging out of my pants before somebody pointed it out to me. FML
Today, is it normal to miss someone who’s hurt you so bad? How do you move on with life after wasting 3 years? How can you move on when everything around you reminds you of that person? When do you know enough is enough? FML
Today, I decided I was tired of being fat so I started GLP-1. Today I also learned it can cause intractable diarrhea. Today I shit in an emesis bag in my car in a line at my kids' school, so now I’m fat and a shitty mom. FML
Today, at a busy register, I greeted a customer, started scanning items, and only halfway through realized they were on their phone with earbuds in and had not actually been talking to me. I got flustered, scanned the same item twice, and had to call over a manager while the line behind them got longer. FML
Today, I was hired under the previous terms and conditions that fixes my managers salary at 38 grand. This means that the little scrotes hired this year will start at 32 grand, but get yearly pay rises, so they will be earning more than me in only 5 years time, and sooner if they get promoted. FML
Today, after I'd ordered a birthday cake with my name written on it, I went to pick it up but the bakery messed up and wrote the name of the person who ordered one right before me. I stood at the party smiling while everyone congratulated “Kevin.” I am not called Kevin. FML
Today, I went to a grocery store after work, exhausted. I nodded politely at a woman who smiled at me repeatedly. I realized at checkout she thought I was someone she knew. I nodded through a full conversation without knowing who I was pretending to be. FML
Today, the cops were called on our apartment because they heard angry yelling and loud screams. I was having a Mario Kart party with some friends over and we got too into the game. FML
Today I watched my 90 year-old father-in-law's friend dip an entire piece of bread into her wine glass, swish it around with her fork, and then eat it. In a restaurant. FML
Today, I tried to sneak a yawn during a quiet meeting. Instead, I made a squeaking noise that sounded like a dying mouse. The meeting ground to a halt. Someone asked if I was OK. I was not. FML
Today, after hearing them stomp around all summer, my upstairs neighbor’s obnoxiously loud kids finally started school. Now I get to hear them get up at 6:30am and stomp around while they get ready. FML
Today, I was once again stood up by someone who I was supposed to hook up with and now they won't respond to my messages. Maybe I'm the problem? FML
Today, after having horrific constipation the day before, I finally got the rock hard turd out of my system. Things got awkward as I cried out in pain and my mom asked me what was wrong. Realizing the dining room and kitchen was nearby, I said "Never mind, it's gross!" I think she figured it out anyways. FML
Today, my spiritual faith is put to the test. Divine intervention? Spiritual challenge? No. I somehow got in the middle of a violent argument between two colleagues, who both think I'm on the opposing side. One claims she knows witchcraft, the other claims to have "unseen friends" who owe him big. FML
Today, it's my first birthday without my mom, who I was very close to. My friends asked a few days ago if I wanted to celebrate. I said yes, but nothing big. Just someone to be around. All I got was a brief "Happy birthday" text before the conversation moved on. FML
Today, a guy I liked is moving away. He gave me a flower, saying it was a farewell gift even though he's moving to my hometown where I'm also returning to. I was confused because while it wasn't a rose, this isn't common where we're from. He then told me he's been in love with our friend since their first conversation. FML
Today, I finally saw a physical therapist for frequent right hip pain that was interfering with my sleep schedule and causing that specific area of my leg to atrophy from not using it as much. After doing all of the stretches, the pain doesn't seem to have improved, despite him recognizing what the problem was. FML
Today, someone asked me if I was my boyfriend's little sister, just because of our height difference. He's 6'2", I'm 4'11", and this is the fifth time it has happened. FML
Today, I learned that my boyfriend of a year and half hit up another girl to hang out while we were six months into dating. He even shared photos with her from a day trip I was on. FML
Today, I finally got an interview with my dream company. Everything went perfectly until the interviewer asked if I had any questions. I tried to say, "What do you enjoy most about working here?" Instead, I somehow asked, "Why do you still work here?" FML
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