Today, when my sore right hip that I had finally started to feel a little bit better, I banged my right knee on the bookshelf that sticks out just a bit to the side of the doorway as I enter my room. FML
Today, I was making small talk with a passenger in my taxi. He was heading to a job interview, so I tried to encourage him by saying, “Don’t worry, even if you mess up, there are plenty of other companies.” He paused then said, “I’m actually interviewing to save the company I already work for.” We spent the rest of the drive in silence. FML
Today, I got my kids busy, so I took a shower. I heard banging on the door. “MOM! Emergency!” I wrapped myself in a towel and opened the door expecting some catastrophe. My 6-year-old said, “Where do we keep the spoons?” I stared at him. “The drawer.” “Oh. OK.” Then walked off. I stood there dripping, wondering how I had become the emergency spoon consultant. FML
Today, I had much trouble backing an ultra modern VW moving van around a corner. Skill issue, you say? Well, yes: the car refused to let go of the brakes because there were a few blades of grass “blocking our way”. That mean-looking rock pile to the left, though, it trusted me to discover on my own. FML
Today, I was recording a video for my online class. I say I tried, because my very chatty Siamese cat was yowling in the next room, then came in, leapt onto my desk, knocking over my mug onto my laptop. The recording caught me screaming and falling off my chair. FML
Today, my smoke alarm started chirping at 3 a.m. I replaced the battery, reset it, and got back into bed. Five minutes later, it chirped again. I searched for the source before realizing it was my roommate's alarm clock. FML
Today, I decided to open up to my friends about losing my dad last year. To my horror, all they could do was laugh at and mock me, all because I said that he "unalived" himself. FML
Today, at brunch, a friend started talking about wanting kids. The table immediately turned into a debate about whether having children is selfish, noble, irresponsible, or “bad for the planet.” The waiter came back 3 times asking if we were ready to order, while 8 adults argued over the future of humanity next to untouched eggs Benedict. FML
Today, I invited my crush to the city I moved to for work. Paid for her ticket. She was supposed to be here for a week. Long story short, she spent the week banging my roommate at the Hilton. FML
Today, I walked into an automatic glass door at a mall when it failed to open. A woman asked if I was OK, so I said, "I'm fine, the door must be busted." The automatic door then opened immediately after, proving it worked just fine. FML
Today, visiting my partner’s family for the first time, I offered to help cook, saying I could chop the vegetables. Five minutes later, I nicked my finger, dropped the knife, and instinctively said a very loud curse word in front of their very traditional grandparents. Everyone froze while someone went to get me a bandage. FML
Today, I was exercising my legs by laying on my stomach and lifting a dumbbell between my feet. I sneezed mid-lift and dropped the dumbbell right on my taint. I haven’t looked but I’m pretty sure both my asshole and cooch are bruised. I’m walking like John Wayne. FML
Today, I tried to surprise my boyfriend by cleaning the entire apartment before he came home. I even lit a candle and put fresh flowers on the table. When he walked in, he stared at everything and said, “Did someone come over?” My boyfriend thought a cleaning service had been hired. FML
Today, I have in my living room a Rubik’s cube I’ve been trying to solve for over a year. I just got home and it was sat on the floor solved. Apparently my wife gave it to her nephew to play with and he solved it in about four minutes, then got bored. He’s 8 and I’m 33. FML
Today, I’m learning to drive and finally felt confident enough to park in a tight spot with my instructor watching. I nailed the angle perfectly, but when I tried to get out, I realized I'd parked so close to the line that I couldn’t open the door. I had to climb out of the passenger side while my instructor pretended not to laugh. FML
Today, I found my ex on Bumble for the second time. She lives with her husband, whom she married a decade ago. FML
Today, I arrived early in the morning at my job counting inventory, only to find that the scanner machines were still getting set up due to difficulties with WiFi. We ended up starting two hours late due to various technical issues, and I almost missed my sister's recital. FML
Today, I found out that my favorite coffee place, which I’ve been meaning to go back to for months, completely shut down. It was one of the only good things about my city. FML
Today, I threw an event with my colleague that completely flopped. At the end, my colleague invited the few people who showed up to take as much candy as they wanted from the gift bags I paid for and assembled myself. My colleague contributed neither the money, nor the effort to put them together. FML
Today, I opened a new can of shaving cream. The moment I touched the top, the whole can emptied into my palm, and startled the crap outta me. I'm a whole lot more sympathetic to my first girlfriend now. FML
Today, I learned that my country has canceled all our offshore wind farms, putting the fight against the climate crisis back probably fifty years. When I told my husband, he said, "Good, we don't want to be the beached whale capital of the world". THE CLIMATE CRISIS, PEOPLE! FML
Today, I was trying pillow talk with this guy I met at the bar that night. I’m thinking he’s going to say something cute, but he told me, "One time, I was bored, so I went to a liquor store and robbed an Asian man and put his bag over his head." I just wanted to pillow talk. FML
Today, I volunteered to take a group photo at a birthday dinner, backed up for the perfect angle, and sat directly in a bowl of guacamole. Everyone watched it happen like a slow motion accident. No one warned me. FML
Today, my ex, whom I dumped in 2024 because she stopped caring about me or what I did, is stalking online someone I have just started dating. She went to her workplace, then called me to tell me I'm hers and she will never let "the other woman" take me from her. Not sure if I like the indifferent one or the jealous psycho less. FML
Today, I went to my local pub for a drink. There was a giant sign that read, “Welcome to Luke’s celebration of life.” My name is Luke. FML
Today, I finally worked up the courage to ask my neighbour if she'd like to get coffee sometime. She smiled and said she'd love to. We picked a day, and I went home feeling great. Later, she texted to ask if I could also feed her cat while she was away that week. FML
Today, whilst we were doing the deed, my boyfriend thought it would be super funny to say, "How does it feel to have a teenager inside of you?" He's 18 and I'm 20, with a year and a half between us. Mood RUINED. FML
Today, my boyfriend is still determined to find my kink. I keep telling him I don’t have one. Literally, I don’t. He isn’t forcing me to do anything physically but he won’t drop the subject. He keeps making all these different suggestions and expecting me to have some magical discovery or something. FML
Today, I think there might be something wrong with my family's cell phone carrier or cell phones. They use Verizon, I use T-Mobile. They use iPhones, I use a Google Pixel 8a. On at least two separate occasions, my dad hasn't been able to get my text messages. I can't afford to switch carriers or get a new phone. FML
Today, I was told off by my dad and stepmom for talking to the delivery person delivering my package. My stepmom's reason was understandable, because I was "slowing her down and she was on the clock", my dad's ridiculous reason was that I could get ripped off. This was AFTER I bought my products, not before. FML
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