Today, I'm not sure if this even qualifies as a confession, but here goes: I'm weirdly but genuinely disappointed that my celebrity crush used to get naked on screen. Somehow my delulu brain had convinced itself she was a proper lady 24/7, on and off screen. FML
Today, I watched a coworker use an electric milk frother, lick it “clean”, then put it back in the break room drawer with the rest of the utensils. I had no idea it was her personal frother. I thought it was for everyone’s use, like the spoons, and I’ve been using it for days now. FML
Today, I spent an hour looking for my wallet before leaving for work. I checked my jacket, bag, kitchen counter, and even the fridge for some reason. I finally gave up and took my spare card. At lunchtime, I reached into my coat pocket and found the wallet. I'd been wearing the coat the entire morning. FML
Today, my dad had a seizure just after taking his anti-seizure medicine and having been seizure-free for two and a half months. Did I mention I was pooping while my poor dad was having this? I ran out with my pants around my ankles, due to my stepmom flipping out, screaming at me to find the phone (which she found). FML
Today, my older sister forced me to tell my nephews, 8 and 6, that Santa Claus does not exist, because she was recently fired from her job and is too much of a coward to tell them she will no longer give them any Christmas gifts for the foreseeable future. FML
Today, my boss, whom everyone despises, noticed I did a good job, so he clapped me on the back, said more people should work like me, and that he knew he liked me for a reason. I’ve been getting absolute death glares from everyone, including my supervisor. Even the cleaning ladies are giving me evils. FML
Today, I found out the 19 year-old girl I've been attracted to is fucking a 36 year-old unc (I'm 21). What is so wrong with me that she'd rather sleep with an unc than me? FML
Today, a customer got pissed off and called me a "libtard" simply because I admitted that I had absolutely no clue who Charlie Kirk was, but I'm the one in trouble for telling him to GTFO because I don't take crap from people. FML
Today, my wife and I were house-hunting. The only house that looked remotely like what we hoped for had a neighbor who flies a huge American flag and owns a massive pickup. I think we'll keep looking. FML
Today, my family had to travel for a funeral. On the drive down, I saw that my son had brought his Switch. I always suspected he didn't care about anything but himself, but this hurts worse than ever confirming that he prizes his stupid video games over us and our collective grief. FML
Today, I'd booked a table at a restaurant for my parents’ anniversary but when we arrived, the staff couldn’t find the reservation. I checked my confirmation email and realized I’d booked it for the following evening. We did find a less classy restaurant nearby, but can't get my deposit back from the other place. FML
Today, as a wedding gift, my in-laws signed ownership of the family cafe over to us so they could retire abroad. I looked into the cafe's financials, and it's £115,000 in debt, with a bailiffs high court writ on it. This could ruin us just as we’re starting our married life together. FML
Today, it's been two weeks since I quit smoking weed. It's not horrible, the digestive issues from the withdrawal have stopped and I have started dreaming again. Sadly all my dreams are horrific nightmares that wake me in a cold sweat. FML
Today, I asked my husband if he could please get the kids up and ready for school, since I’d been up all night with the stomach flu from hell. He said no, that he was too tired because my getting up all night kept him awake. I’m so weak from dehydration and exhaustion I can barely move. FML
Today, my boyfriend was arrested and might go to prison because he shot the guy who tried to kidnap his dog. FML
Today, I got dumped by the guy I was dating because he wanted children and I'm now infertile due to postpartum complications. He was the only person that wanted to date me because every other guy doesn't like the fact i have two amazing kids. FML
Today, it's my second day of uni just sitting in halls, waiting for the lecturers, and switching venues that are not even in our timetable. Like, how come this is the "TOPPEST" university in the whole country? FML
Today, I texted my friend’s mom, asking if she could send over my hoodie that I left at their house. Except I didn’t text her, I texted my ex’s mom, who said, “You should probably stop texting me. She’s engaged now.” FML
Today, I spent some time talking to a girl I'm interested in. All signs point to a "no" if I asked her out, but the repeated shifts between chatting like we're the only people on Earth, to feeling like she doesn't know I exist when I randomly experience radio silence, is an emotional rollercoaster I'd like to end. FML
Today, to get revenge on our kids for constantly annoying her with that "6, 7" bullshit, my wife has decided to speak only in 90s slang and Pauly Shore quotes. I feel like I haven’t had a normal conversation in weeks! I’m losing my fucking mind! FML
Today, after a long, tedious and annoying wait in line at the supermarket, my 5-year-old told the cashier, “Mommy says you’re too slow.” FML
Today, I got lost on my way to a wedding and yelled at my phone's GPS for giving bad directions. After 20 minutes of rerouting, I realized I’d accidentally set it to “walking mode.” I arrived 45 minutes late and sweaty in a full suit. FML
Today, I attended my first Zoom meeting as a junior manager. Our CEO said she was feeling dizzy, and if anyone saw her passed out later they should get her some chocolate. Thinking she was joking, I burst out laughing. My boss quickly muted us, and told me that the CEO actually has diabetes. Nobody told me that. FML
Today, my boss wrote me up for drinking Kombucha at work, swearing it was "fancy Asian beer." I went to HR with the bottle and they dismissed the write up, since they saw sense and realized. FML
Today, I got stuck making small talk with a neighbor I barely know. In a panic, I said “Have a good night!” even though it was 10 a.m. She corrected me with, “Morning,” and my brain responded, “Happy… time?” I swear she slowly backed away. FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend of five months gave away all the jewelry his late grandmother left him to his daughter from an old relationship. I asked in shock what he plans to give my daughter, and he replied, "Uh, you know she's not my kid, right?" FML
Today, after my husband whipped my ass with a belt the night before (consensual S&M sex, not abuse), I had to go to work and sit on a hard metal chair for eight hours. FML
Today, I indulged in some online gambling. I wisely only spent $100 and won, quite a bit; I even wisely withdrew 2/3rds of the money into my bank account. Thing is I'm on SSI, which requires me to keep a maximum amount of money in my bank; if it goes over I get cut off. Now I'm scrambling to spend my winnings. FML
Today, I tried to show my boss a funny photo on my phone. As I handed it over, a notification popped up from my mom that said, “Did you finally meet a nice boy or are you still feral?” FML
Today, I was startled awake by some overzealous do-gooder trying to shove Narcan up my nose. I wasn’t OD’ing. I don’t even do drugs. I’m just an exhausted full-time student with a night job trying to get home on the bus. FML
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