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The customer is always right

By Anonymous - 05/05/2026 20:00 - United States

Today, a customer ordered the spicy shrimp ramen bowl. The menu says spicy, I warned her it was spicy, it’s in the fucking title SPICY SHRIMP RAMEN! Despite all of this, instead of ordering something different, the stupid fucking Karen sent her order back four times because it was too hot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 444

You deserved it 52

Business time

By Anonymous - 09/05/2026 09:00 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I've had a crush on this girl at my office for years. Our work sent us to a conference. We bonded there. That night, we were talking by the hotel pool and she leaned in and kissed me. Tongue and everything. The problem is, at 40, I still bite my nails when I'm nervous. Well, she choked on the finger nail in my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 108

You deserved it 587

What are your unpopular opinions?

By Anonymous - 25/05/2026 09:00 - United States

Today, during a work diversity seminar, everyone was asked to share “one unpopular opinion.” Thinking it would be funny, I admitted I actually enjoy replying-all to unnecessary company emails because I like the chaos. Nobody laughed. HR asked to “have a quick chat” afterwards. FML

I agree, your life sucks 82

You deserved it 480

Computer says no

By Anonymous - 03/06/2026 12:00 - United States

Today, I told everyone at work I could fix the office printer because “I work with computers.” After pressing random buttons for ten minutes, I somehow changed the language to Korean and printed 87 blank pages. The IT guy arrived, looked at me, sighed, and fixed it in 30 seconds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59

You deserved it 661

Not gonna happen

By notahotel - 10/06/2026 12:00 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my parents are calling me a spoilt brat and threatening to disown me if I don't let my sister, her six kids, and freshly out of jail boyfriend move into the house I spent 10 years working my ass off to buy without having a mortgage. Sis said I can sleep on the lounge as long as I pay rent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 693

You deserved it 63

No good deed and all that

By Jimmy - 14/06/2026 00:00 - Canada - Windsor

Today, I found a wallet on the sidewalk and spent an hour tracking down the owner. When I finally returned it, he opened it, counted the cash in front of me, and asked if I was sure there hadn't been more money in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 432

You deserved it 69

Me me me!

By Anonymous - 17/06/2026 12:00 - United States

Today, my mom showed up to the surprise party my sister planned for me on crutches. Car accident? Bad fall? Dog attack? Nope! She's fine, just a malignant narcissist who needed all the attention to be on her. She managed to “fall” several times suspiciously when we were posing for photos. FML

I agree, your life sucks 414

You deserved it 66

ASMR

By Anonymous - 28/06/2026 03:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend has a secret video folder of lesbians kissing from movies, TV shows, and games like The Last of Us, Arcane, Georgia and Ginny, and so on. He says it’s his ASMR folder because something about lesbian kissing noises is extra relaxing and helps him sleep. Yeah, right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 292

You deserved it 138

Blood drive

By Queasy Dave - 03/07/2026 09:00 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I tried donating blood for the first time because my company was hosting a blood drive. Right after telling everyone I wasn't afraid of needles, I fainted before they could even use one. I woke up surrounded by phlebotomists offering me juice while my coworkers whooped like I'd just scored a goal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 179

You deserved it 262

Get out!

By birdhater - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Australia

Today, the bird that has been stuck in my roof for two days, keeping me awake at night, finally flew out of the roof and into the house. As I was opening the door to send it outside, it flew straight back up into the roof. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 208

You deserved it 2 751

I know what I'm doing

By M…… - 06/08/2025 00:00 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I walked into a restroom at a restaurant, took one step inside, and realized it was the staff-only restroom. The manager was inside, staring at me like I was an alien. I just smiled and awkwardly walked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 344

You deserved it 126

Heated gaming moment

By Anonymous - 09/08/2025 15:00 - United States

Today, I got a call from my son's friend's dad, demanding I pick him up immediately. When I arrived, he marched me into the house and pointed at an Xbox controller lodged in the wall, informing me I'd be receiving the bill for drywall repair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 475

You deserved it 217

Chance encounter

By Never chosen - 27/08/2025 09:00 - United States

Today, I ran into a guy I knew from 3 years ago. He just moved here from out of state and is planning to stay forever. This is the same guy who dated me long distance and dumped me after a while because he “couldn’t handle long distance.” He just got engaged to a girl who lives here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 361

You deserved it 112

Don't mess with crazy

By Just a joke - 17/09/2025 15:00

Today, I saw my buddy at the mechanic's on speaker with his wife. I did a very fake female voice and said, “He’s here with me! He’s my man now!” He rushed home to see all his stuff on fire on the front lawn. I had no idea how psycho she was and now he wants to kill me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 119

You deserved it 673

I think you should leave

By yctb - 21/09/2025 03:00

Today, after my parents divorced, my father promised to move out in August but has now delayed it until October out of laziness. He's barely spoken to us for months, and when he does, it's with aggressive and childish arrogance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 412

You deserved it 81

And I love her

By Anonymous - 22/09/2025 22:00

Today, I wondered who ever came up with the idea that women are elegant and refined. Mine farts like a horse, belches like a bullfrog, eats like a pig, and she's proud of it. Like something out of Shrek. FML

I agree, your life sucks 146

You deserved it 484

Not feeling it

By BuyersRemorse - 01/10/2025 20:00

Today, I bought a dragon dildo after many years of curiosity and recently, one too many glasses of wine. As I lined it up next to my forearm, the reality that it would go INTO me set in. I can't return it as it is not the seller's fault. I'm throwing it away tomorrow before someone I know finds it. Curiosity killed the cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 89

You deserved it 398

Dude, come on…

By Gym Creeper - 16/10/2025 00:00

Today, I was doing squats in front of the gym's mirror. I noticed the guy next to me giving me weird looks. I assumed he was judging my form, until I realized I was standing in front of a wall of mirrors that reflected the women’s yoga class behind me. To everyone else, it looked like I was just staring at them while squatting aggressively. FML

I agree, your life sucks 328

You deserved it 125

Dominatrix

By Grudges - 01/11/2025 20:00

Today, I found an odd notebook in my wife's desk and opened it. I learned why our sex life has gotten so boring: every time I upset her, she secretly bans something sexual. For instance: "June 16th - dented car - no more lingerie" or "August 9th - forgot wallet on date night - no more rope play." FML

I agree, your life sucks 377

You deserved it 144

Grandma knows best

By Anonymous - 08/11/2025 20:00

Today, I’m beyond pissed off and downright repulsed that my daughter is still in her stupid rebellious phase. it's bad enough that she does shit herself but now she’s involving our grandchildren. She showed up to our annual gathering and my 10 year-old granddaughter had bright purple dyed hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 137

You deserved it 880

Granny Smith

By TEETH - 12/11/2025 09:00

Today, in an attempt to eat healthier snacks, I took an apple to work. I ate it after lunch. Now my teeth are full of bits of apple and I can't focus on my work because it's distracting. Three hours until I can get home and floss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 171

You deserved it 326

Surveillance

By Bribri - 15/11/2025 22:00

Today, after a big lunch, my daughter told me she wasn’t hungry and didn’t want a snack. Ten minutes later, the sound of a bag of chips being opened summoned her like a beacon. She burst into the room, shouting, “HOW COULD YOU EAT WITHOUT ME?” I’m apparently not allowed to snack without filing paperwork now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 355

You deserved it 117

Little helper

By Anonymous - 19/11/2025 12:00

Today, my 10-year-old "helped" me by “fixing” the parental controls on the iPad. I didn’t ask for help. Now it won’t let me access email, news, or even Google, but it will let me watch 47 hours of baby cartoons. I've been locked out of my own device by someone who can’t eat spaghetti without ruining a shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 173

You deserved it 361

Sorry Mom

By daniel - 24/11/2025 22:00

Today, I sent my girlfriend a dick pic. I should have realized that "Morgan" is right next to "Mom" in my contacts list. I'm grounded. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72

You deserved it 461

Twerking is for special occasions

By Anonymous - 05/12/2025 15:00

Today, I literally had to say the words, “Please stop twerking” to my niece. She’s seven. FML

I agree, your life sucks 319

You deserved it 69

Not in the mood

By prettybich - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I'm severely hungover. Upon returning home, I came to find that both of the elevators were out of order. I live on the 12th floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 416

You deserved it 36 723

Doomerism

By Karmen - 01/01/2026 03:00

Today, I learned that my country has canceled all our offshore wind farms, putting the fight against the climate crisis back probably fifty years. When I told my husband, he said, "Good, we don't want to be the beached whale capital of the world". THE CLIMATE CRISIS, PEOPLE! FML

I agree, your life sucks 283

You deserved it 408

Resolutions come and go

By Anonymous - 06/01/2026 12:00

Today, I tried a new workout class as part of my New Year's resolution to get fit. The instructor said, “Don’t worry, we’ll start easy.” Twenty minutes in, I was flat on the floor while everyone else continued effortlessly. When the instructor asked if I was OK, I gave a thumbs-up, but I haven’t been able to sit down since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 324

You deserved it 112

Triggered

By Anonymous - 15/01/2026 09:00

Today, I added a new trigger for my debilitating migraines: presentations shown on projectors - BAM; went to the movies - BAM; went to a concert - BAM BAM BAM. Apparently big screens trigger them now, in addition to sleep or meal disruption, hormones or stress. FML

I agree, your life sucks 371

You deserved it 60

Helper

By Anonymous - 02/02/2026 00:00

Today, a customer asked if we sold gift cards, and I confidently walked them to the rack... that had probably been empty for weeks. I stood there too long pretending to “look” while the customer waited politely. Eventually I said something dumb like, “We used to believe in them.” FM

I agree, your life sucks 102

You deserved it 346

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The Top

Today, I found out my girlfriend is only with me because I'm a mechanic and I fix her constantly broken-down car for free. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 363

You deserved it 2 645

Today, I realised my girlfriend only has sex with me to make me exercise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 536

You deserved it 36 079

Today, my coworker came over to my desk and told me that I should protect my Twitter updates, because I had unknowingly made them public. My tweets include drinking stories, all the men I've hooked up with, various cuss words, sexual innuendos, and how much I hate my coworkers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 943

You deserved it 83 511

Today, I hooked up with a guy. After sex, I found him washing his penis with BLEACH. I asked what the hell he was doing; apparently his mother makes him do it because sex is sinful and dirty, and all unmarried women have STDs. WHAT THE… FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 593

You deserved it 305

Today, the guy I'm in love with invited me out to a gig with him and his friends, only to then try to set me up with his friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 433

You deserved it 132

Today, I took a deep breath and started journaling to "figure out my life." Two hours later, I had written four pages of ranting about my upstairs neighbor's loud footsteps and zero pages about my life goals. FML

I agree, your life sucks 156

You deserved it 332