Today, my mom announced that she's getting back together with my stepdad, who just got out of prison. He was in prison because he beat her, choked her, and caused her to have a miscarriage. FML
Today, I found out I can't go to Los Angeles to visit my grandparents for spring break like I'd planned because my asshole dad got some sort of court order preventing me from leaving the state. He and my mom are in a custody battle over me. FML
Today, my my soon to be ex-wife found out I was telling the truth and never cheated. She wanted to get back together but I told her that we're too far into the divorce proceedings to turn back, and there's just no fixing our marriage. She then told me she's filing for full custody with no visitation rights. FML
Today, as soon as I got home, my husband said he was hungry and that I needed to cook. I flipped my shit and yelled at him for a good half hour. Later, he pulled out his phone and showed me videos of me doing the exact thing to him, asking him to do things the second he walked in the door. FML
Today, I always wondered how my younger sister maintained a good relationship with her dad, as she knows I was horribly abused by him for several years. Now, I found out that she “doesn’t agree” with it, and thinks it was all my imagination. FML
Today, I learned that CPS still won't take my sister's kids away from her, even though they are living in literal squalor and filth. They run away to my house all the time and I constantly have to give them back. FML
Today, I was on a first date with a really nice guy and, of course, when there was an awkward silence, I started talking and realized too late that I was running through my usual complaints about my worthless baby daddies. He asked how many and I said three, and he left without a word. FML
Today, I was confronted by a friend, who I didn’t invite to an outing with the rest of our friends because we think she’s annoying. I'd posted a photo and I'd apparently forgot to exclude her from viewing it in the post settings. She’s also my ride to and from school. She told me, “I hope you can afford Uber/Lyft.” FML
Today, my wife is mad at me for discouraging our son from baby talking. He's seven, well past the age where exaggerated mush-mouth baby talk is cute. It's grating and off-putting to see him rolling on the floor going, "Me luh mummuh and daddeh" when he's a perfectly smart, well adjusted kid. FML
Today, I told my husband that I didn't think our marriage was going to survive our stillbirth, and that we should get divorced. He said, "No way. We're going to marriage and grief counseling and not giving up on our marriage." He just doesn't understand that I blame myself so much and want to set him free. FML
Today, I checked my husband's phone, as mine was dead. When I opened it, I saw a text conversation with his friend. He recently said, "Man you just gotta ignore your wife more. I stopped paying so much attention to mine and next thing I knew she was all over me, it's awesome." FML
Today, an internet repair tech thought my dad was my husband, and seemed skeptical when I corrected him. People usually think I'm way younger than my actual age. FML
Today, my boyfriend of 5 years got down on one knee with the most beautiful ring box I’d ever seen. My heart raced and my eyes immediately filled with tears in anticipation! When he finally opened it, a fucking spider was inside! I nearly shat myself in terror while he laughed hysterically. FML
Today, I was overjoyed when someone finally came to my house to get the electricity back up and running. All that was changed to dismay upon finding out they first needed to find a tree trimming and removal service to clean up all the fallen branches on the power lines. FML
Today, I found out that the reason my ex-husband suddenly became so horrible and abusive was because he had a brain tumor that altered his personality. Now that he's had it removed, he's back to his old self. I feel like I'm living in a real-life Lifetime movie. FML
Today, I have an exam soon, and I felt like eating something that was able to fill my belly, only to get my right hand's fingers accidentally splashed by boiling water. After a while, the pain isn't that agonizing, but it's annoying. I'm right-handed and I need to study. I deserved it. FML
Today, someone hacked the bus's Bluetooth speakers and played "Heal the World" by Michael Jackson on repeat. It was a four-hour, point-to-point nonstop bus ride. FML
Today, my psycho ex showed up at my doorstep to beg me to take her back, so I pulled my gun on her. I just found out she's pressing charges. FML
Today, I liked a photo posted in 2016 while scrolling through someone's social media profile. In a panic, I blocked him. Ten minutes later, I remembered that we work together. FML
Today, I found out that yet again I'm having twins. Sounds great and all, but the only problem is that my mother-in-law is the one pregnant. Oh boy, I'm fucked! FML
Today, my late sister's kids are in separate foster homes and I was told I can't have custody of them because I'm not a resident of their state (California). I can't afford to live there. FML
Today, my daughter called me panicking that her car died in the middle of the road. I had to FaceTime her to talk her through calling a tow truck. Turns out she ignored the warning lights telling her that the tank was low and drove it until the tank was empty. I had to pay for that, plus the tow fees. FML
Today, I have four daughters in high school. All four announced they are pregnant. FML
Today, I went to the Cheesecake Factory and treated myself to an appetizer, an entree, a dessert, and some cocktails. The bill was higher than I expected and I was $50 short. I faked having a food allergy and had the staff call 911 so they could take me to the hospital, so I would get out of paying. It worked. FML
Today, my mother offered me some chocolate milk. I took a few gulps before I realized the label said it was raw unpasteurized milk. When I pointed this out to my mother, she asked me what pasteurization is. We might get sick because my mother is the most horrifically ignorant and out-of-touch person on earth. FML
Today, I got so distracted by trying to keep my cat from sticking her nose in the open oven door, that I grabbed the hot pan without an oven mitt. Now I can’t use my right hand. My cat’s nose is fine, though. FML
Today, I was about to leave for work when I sneezed over and over. I quickly checked the mirror to see if any mascara had smudged, only to see a big black spider crawling up my neck. No, this wasn’t a dream. Yes, this really did happen (I live in Australia). FML
Today, I’m beyond pissed off and downright repulsed that my daughter is still in her stupid rebellious phase. it's bad enough that she does shit herself but now she’s involving our grandchildren. She showed up to our annual gathering and my 10 year-old granddaughter had bright purple dyed hair. FML
Today, ever since the day we met, me and my wife haven’t cared about Xmas at all except for exchanging a few gifts. Well I don’t know what happened but I got home from work and she had bought £1800 worth of Xmas shit and decorated every room and the garden. In November. What? Why? FML
Today, my 15 year-old daughter decided that the best way to indulge her rebellious impulses was to sleep with the 30-something convict down the street, get pregnant, and try to convince him to let her move in. FML
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