Today, my latest date ended so badly that I was back home by 8 p.m., drunk on cheap wine, and screaming at myself in the mirror, “What is wrong with you?” FML
Today, I felt ready to trust men again so I had a little foray into Tinder, just to see what’s out there for a divorcee in her 40s. The very first guy I matched with catfished me with his photo and wanted to buy my dirty undies and socks, in a ziplock bag “to preserve the aroma.” FML
Today, my husband spent money and 14 hours learning how to make fake, realistic armour for our Dungeons and Dragons obsessed son, but refused to consider making a Disney dress for our little girl because, "That’s girly stuff, mommy can do it better than daddy." FML
Today, I had to cancel a first date due to tornado weather. The guy texted me, saying never to contact him again, and then blocked me. This is the fourth time this exact scenario has happened to me. FML
Today, we had to turn the water off due to a massive leak in the kitchen sink that the plumber was currently fixing. I managed to wait two hours before my uncooperative digestive tract said it couldn't wait any longer and I had to take a mega dump in the bathroom. I couldn't flush the toilet or wash my hands. FML
Today, I came down with diarrhea thanks to a particularly low-class restaurant. My dad has been making constant stupid puns like "pretty shitty state you're in" and "this day and age, you just don't expect this crap". I'm at the point where I want to gouge his eyes out with a goddamn spoon. FML
Today, I planned to propose to my girlfriend in front of her family at dinner. I had the ring ready and got down on one knee. She immediately burst into laughter and said, "Are you kidding?" The family stared in silence, and I quickly realised she was just teasing me... until I stood up and knocked over an entire table of drinks. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I got into a fight because I bought two new makeup palettes. He ranted that I have too much already, it all looks the same, and that I’m a hoarder. Last month he threatened to break up with me for throwing out condiments that were two years past their expiration dates. FML
Today, my boyfriend scolded me for asking whether he’d like his favorite soup for lunch when he was, "in absolutely no shape to survive ingesting food." Two hours later he's greedily digging into an almost expired pack of cheap and nasty supermarket waffles from out of his bag. FML
Today, I was trying to rescue a stray dog and used my work ID to lasso him. I scooped him up and was carrying him to my car when something spooked him and he ran off with my work ID. I eventually found him and traded him a granola bar for my work ID, but not before I reported it missing to my boss. FML
Today, I wanted to go visit my mom, only to find out that she's still married to the same overprotective controlling prick who tried to make me drop out of my senior year of high school because of the Sandy Hook shooting. FML
Today, my boss yelled at me for ruining the report she was supposed to write with my "terrible spelling and grammar". I've checked it thoroughly, and all of her 'corrections' are wrong. She doesn’t believe me, and is refusing to look at a dictionary. FML
Today, my friend accidentally killed his AirPods by washing them. He decided to lie to the service center and say they just stopped working. When I said they wouldn't cover it, he asked Gemini, which said it *was* a warranty issue, and gave him a cover story. Then, he started talking shit about me being useless. FML
Today, as I was sitting on my terrace, I was wearing neither bright colors, nor any perfume, yet two bees seemed convinced that I must've been some type of flower and persistently tried to figure out where I was hiding my nectar. FML
Today, my husband called me annoyingly needy for saying he never compliments me. I could be half-naked, shaking my ass on the internet, or cruising bars to get validation from strangers. God forbid a woman wants the one person she loves to pay her a crumb of attention. FML
Today, it's been one year since my husband moved six states away for his job. The plan was for me to stay behind until I found a job, but I still haven't in all this time. I can just feel the distance growing between us. FML
Today, I left outside a bowl of fine herbs I had painstakingly grown from seeds, so they could get some sun. What did they get instead? My upstairs neighbor's filthy soapy water from washing her balcony. Three quarters of the seedlings are now dead. FML
Today, during a dream job interview, my mum called and screamed, “DID YOU FIX THE TOILET YET, YOU LAZY BASTARD?” She was loud enough for the interviewer to hear her, so as he stared at me, I panicked and said, “Sorry, she's my previous employer.” FML
Today, I put the key in my motorcycle but there was no power, so I pushed it to the road and tried to roll-start it down the hill. Pushed back up the hill. Jump started it and took off. Had to push it back up the hill. I change the battery to find out that the electrics are shorted out. I don't have another vehicle. FML
Today, my mom won’t let me go to my boyfriend’s apartment. She says it’s because “I know what you guys are gonna do there I’m not stupid.” She threatened to kick me out of the house if I go. I’m 19. FML
Today, a day after I went to the beach and fell asleep in the sun without applying sunscreen, I woke up to find myself looking like a lobster, with the worst tan lines possible. On top of that, I had to go to a wedding, and when I walked in, my cousin asked if I had “taken a bath in some tomato soup.” FML
Today, my 20 year-old self, who works shift work, learned by accident that my 14 year-old brother has been using my toothbrush for the past 6+ months. I wouldn't have known due to my schedule until just now when I found it was wet. He admitted it, but was upset with me for using HIS toothbrush. It has my name on it. FML
Today, I went to a theme park with my friends. I was excited to ride the rollercoasters, but just as we were about to get on the biggest one, I realized I'd had left my glasses in the car. I can't see shit without them, but I decided to go on the ride anyway. I spent the entire time screaming in terror while my friends laughed, while I couldn't see a thing. FML
Today, I posted a picture of myself in a new outfit on Instagram. A few minutes later, my mom commented, “You look gorgeous, but why does your shirt look like it’s from the 90s?” I was too embarrassed to respond, so I just deleted the post. FML
Today, I asked my adoptive parents to put me back in foster care because now that my adoptive mother is pregnant, I know that they won't love or need me anymore. Not only did they say no, but they yelled and screamed at me the whole day, and grounded me until New Year's. FML
Today, I got broken up with yet again by my on-and-off ex-girlfriend. I had ended things with an amazing girl I was seeing just to go back to my ex. She'd made it clear that if things went wrong with my ex, I wasn't allowed to pursue her again. I tried to hit her up again anyway, but she told me to “take a short walk off a pier.” FML
Today, my manager asked me to escort a VIP and make a fuss over her. Two hours I waited, calling my manager every 10 minutes to check in. He eventually told me he got the date wrong, she’s not coming until Thursday. He then docked my pay for the two hours I was “stood around doing nothing.” FML
Today, my four year old son came into the restroom while I was applying my make-up, and asked me "Mommy, are you putting on make-up so that someone will love you?" FML
unlovedmommy tells us more.
OP here! My son says funny things like this frequently, and it never offends me! I encourage his sense of humor, even if he doesn't know what he's saying or why it's funny! I even tell other people about it, so they can get a laugh too. I was encouraged by my brother to post on fml, because it was that funny! He'll tell me sometimes that I don't look pretty yet until I've completed my make-up. That question made my day. After he said it, I just started laughing really hard, and said that was funny. He said it wasn't funny, and told me to stop laughing, which made it funnier! I'm married, so I'm not trying to get someone to love me. I don't really wear a lot of make-up anyway, so it's not really the "high school girl make-up" thing either. And I am an adult. Oh yea, and I say "restroom"! Thanks for all the caring and funny comments! :)
Today, the girl I would have risked my life to shag in highschool got in touch and was clearly fishing for a date, but in the past ten years, she’s been in prison for arson, become 10 stone overweight, a chainsmoker with a visible moustache, and 6 kids with 4 men. FML
Today, I came home to a complete asshole. I didn't remember it was the anniversary of his late wife's death. from like 2009, whom I never met. The same ass who got mad at me for being sad for too long because my dad died last July. BTW, after I finally fix my credit, I'm out. FML
D J's MOM tells us more.
D J's MOM 17
OP here. didn't have space to give enough details. he's the one using me. he's on retirement from a 5 way bypass. after we got together (he was super nice for a year n a half) he had a stroke, now he had motor control issues in one side, so he does need some help. he has a really short fuse with a hot temper. he's emotionally abusive and narcissistic. He's the one who messed up my credit when he and his family girded me to take a 6 month sabbatical from work and he wouldn't pay my 2 credit card payments (less than $1k on each). his 2 daughters are irresponsible and unreliable heron addicts on methadone, so they are no help to him. he only allows me to work part time. if I have to go in gro an extra day to help at work he gets really pissy. his 69 yr old bro comes over every weekend, really sweet, but eats a LOT, so it's really hard to save money (i have buy all groceries). idiot needs me way more than I need him. I've tried leaving before, but if you're not prepared it's difficult and he begs me to stay. he knows I'm unhappy. I also have no outside help. I don't want pity. I just wanted to clarify my situation because they do not give enough room in the initial post.
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