Today, it's my birthday. My grandmother died yesterday. We were close and she basically raised me. FML
Today, I found out three things: One, I was apparently diagnosed with Tourette's as a child. Two, my parents apparently told everyone about it, and had no idea that I didn't know about this. Three, that the diagnosis is possibly incorrect. I'm in for quite the time. FML
Today, my spoiled step-daughter had extra chores to do for breaking the rules. She called my wife at work, complained about the chores, then my wife called me and said that she didn't want to deal with the drama. It ended with, "Make her do something else!" WTF! She chooses her own punishment! I hate this kid, seriously. FML
Today, I was in an elevator with a bunch of people in suits. It was so quiet, I tried to break the ice by joking, “So… who farted?” The doors opened immediately and everyone walked out without a word. I was left alone in my own shame. FML
Today, I screwed up in my job, my husband lost his luggage in an airport, then my daughter broke the toilet flush, and my friend's kid poured porridge onto the carpet. FML
Today, I found out that my boyfriend of almost two years has been cheating on me with his ex. They had a horrible, abusive relationship and she even stabbed him at one point. I got him out of that situation and almost went broke doing that. FML
Today, I had to stay up until 5 AM running complex queries, one at a time, for a comprehensive report requested by our head of accounting. Instead of a "Thank you!", I got a message from my supervisor telling me to re-run them all, as he had messed up a single calculation. Coffee jitters aren't why I'm shaking. FML
Today, I had a four and a half hour Saturday detention for skipping a regular detention. We had to wear full school uniform then sit at our desks and write an essay for two hours, then a 15 minute break, then another two hours of essay writing. I thought it was a cruel and harsh punishment, but did I deserve it? FML
Today, I went to the gym for the first time in months. I thought I was joining a “Beginner Yoga” class, but it turned out to be advanced hot yoga. I lasted six minutes before falling out of a pose, knocking over two water bottles, and crawling out of the room like a wounded crab. FML
Today, my daughter announced that she's pregnant. I'm going to be a 37 year-old grandmother. FML
Today, I was awoken at the ungodly hour of 1 a.m. to find that everything was very dark and quiet. It took me way more time than I'd like to admit to figure out that there was a blackout. As I tried to doze off again, I was jump-scared by the sound of everything coming on again. This happened twice. FML
Today, the lady whose house I clean insists I stole her Hermes bag. I never went into her closet when cleaning; just her kitchen, living room and bathrooms. Apparently, it's worth $4000. She threatened to "call ICE and Homeland Security" if I don't "cough it up." I'm a naturalized citizen. FML
Today, I made my new girlfriend orgasm for the first time. All she said after was "I drooled a little". FML
Today, I found out my dad got Covid after spending the weekend at home. All my classes have me doing final projects, and my dorm's internet is a dumpster fire. FML
Today, I’m 24 and apparently going back to school and working a minimum wage job is still considered less than the bare minimum. It sounds like something off the internet. However, people’s actions speak even louder than their words. Sorry I wasn’t given everything or blessed with good looks. FML
Today, I was standing in line at a burger joint, facing my social anxiety and practicing my order in my head so I wouldn’t mess it up. When it was finally my turn, I panicked and said, “One large confidence, please.” The cashier just handed me a straw. FML
Today, my PE teacher was yelling at me because I got exhausted too quickly. As we neared the end of the exercise, he declared, "I will let y'all go early if [my name] doesn't give up halfway through this part." With all of the pressure on me, I forced myself to keep going. Then I promptly collapsed. FML
Today, I was leaving a café. I pushed confidently on the glass door… which didn’t move. I pulled. Nothing. I pushed again, harder. Still nothing. A barista finally yelled, “Other side!” as I realized I’d been wrestling with a decorative wall mirror. FML
Today, I really wanted Anne Hathaway bangs, and let my mom cut my hair. I now look like Patty Farrell from "Diary of a Wimpy Kid". FML
Today, I cleaned my 21 year-old son's bedroom from top to bottom. When he got home from work all he could do was complain that the clothes that were on his "floordrobe"’ were "only worn once." This was my only day off, so why do I bother? FML
Today, I overheard my coworkers talking about how someone has been stealing lunches from the office fridge. Feeling guilty, I admitted that I took a sandwich yesterday, thinking it was free. Turns out, they were joking to see who’d confess. FML
Today, my mom called me a “subhuman inbred.” All because I was fidgeting during church without realizing I was doing it. FML
Today, I had to sneak a ladder into a cemetery at midnight because my husband got drunk with his buddies, decided to visit his mother's grave, and in the dark he fell into a fresh grave and couldn’t climb out. Not many women can say they’ve seen their husbands climb out of the grave I suppose. FML
Today, I finally read an email I'd been avoiding. I thought it would be from my dad whom I haven't spoken to in years, and that he was checking on me during the pandemic. It turned out to be spam. The last contact I had with anyone related to my dad was one of his ex's friends, saying she was in jail and needed help. FML
Today, my husband served me divorce papers and an order to grant him temporary custody of our kids. Tomorrow is my birthday. FML
Today, I got questioned by the police. Last night I was at a party when a bully of a kid who happened to be an aspiring MMA coach and local fighter was picking on me, stole my alcohol and threw me out of the party. I heard he got stabbed by someone else he was picking on after I left. The police insist it was me. FML
Today, my best friend of over 16 years is getting married. I was supposed to be her Maid of Honor. Instead I was uninvited a few weeks ago. FML
Today, I'd thought I was somewhat friends with a girl, the only person I actually talked to outside of school, but after overhearing a discussion I think she may actually have restricted me on Instagram, because I've "always pissed me off anyway." FML
Today, I was out having a nice dinner to celebrate being hired for a job I was really excited for after two places didn't work out in a year. In the middle of dinner, I got an email from the director informing me that the school has to close due to lead levels in the building. FML
Today, I have spheksophobia, a fear of wasps and hornets. Instead of being supportive, my parents have decided that threatening to beat the dog shit out of me whenever I react to a wasp in the house is the best way to "cure" me. They also won't spray against wasps because dad claims it irritates his allergies. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
