Today, I took my two kids to a restaurant with a graffiti-themed wall and took some lovely pictures that I promptly posted to family on social media. I didn't notice until a couple of hours later it said "ANAL?" in huge writing behind my dear child's head. FML
Today, my disowned son begged that he wanted to reconcile but I said no way, so he proceeded to blast me on social media. He conveniently left out the part where he slept with my now ex-wife, his stepmother, which is why I disowned his ass. FML
Today, someone at work left 10 unopened beers after hours. I’m not much of a drinker, but free is free, so I took them home during my lunch break. After work, I left my new phone on top of my car, forgot about it, drove off, and it smashed in the middle of the road. Looks like I’m drinking those beers tonight. FML
Today, I went on a blind date. When I arrived, the guy looked nothing like his profile picture. We started chatting, and things were going fine until he asked, “So, what do you think about my date?” I replied, “Uh, I think it’s going well!” He responded, “I was talking about the waitress. I’m married.” FML
Today, plans I had to move into a new place fell through because the person I was going to move in with suddenly developed health problems. I’m going to be homeless at the end of the year. FML
Today, I rushed to urgent care after suddenly developing a dark spot in the vision of one of my eyes. Long story short, I paid $110 for the doctor to remove an eyelash. FML
Today, after I broke up with my boyfriend about two weeks ago, I didn't think much of it since we haven't spoken, I went out on a date last night with an old friend, came back home and went to sleep… When I got up for work, I went out to my car to find someone had egged it. It still won't come off. FML
Today, we had a family gathering at my mom's house. I offered to bring dessert, and I was very proud of my homemade cheesecake. As I set it on the table, my uncle decided to do a magic trick with it and make it disappear onto the floor. FML
Today, I was in a meeting at work, trying to keep my composure. I quietly shifted in my chair and accidentally let out a fart. It echoed in the conference room, and everyone stared at me in stunned silence. My boss sarcastically said, “Well, that’s just, like, your opinion, man.” FML
Today, after years of problems with my chest, spine, and gut, my doctor asked if I always suck my stomach in trying to look thinner. As he said it, I realised I do it all the time. Apparently I’ve been doing it for so long, I’ve given myself Hourglass Syndrome. It’s a real thing; look it up. FML
Today, I attempted to untangle a pair of headphones. Somehow, in the process, I managed to tie them into a knot so complicated that it's now a permanent part of my life in the "great big box of mystery cables that lives in the garage." FML
Today, my psychiatrist prescribed Xanax. I thought that was a little extreme and that my anxiety wasn't bad enough for that. Within the next hour, I had 2 panic attacks. I guess I'm worse off than I thought. FML
Today, the day after I bragged about never having a car accident in my life, I mistakenly put my car into Drive instead of Reverse and crashed into my own house. FML
Today, I was running late for work, so I grabbed a cheap sandwich from a gas station. As I rushed to take a bite, I bit into something unexpectedly hard. I thought it was a tough bit of bacon, or some sort of nut, but realized it was a small plastic fork that had been helpfully hidden inside my sandwich. I'd already swallowed half of it. FML
Today, I re-started the Grindr app several times because I wasn’t receiving notifications. Turns out it wasn’t malfunctioning, it was just that I didn’t get a single message. FML
Today, I couldn’t sleep because the hall light was too bright. Someone left their room; I waited for them to return so we wouldn’t cross paths. I got up and went for the light, only to find them peeing naked with the door open. In a panic I flipped any switch, which made the hall brighter, then ran. FML
Today, my girlfriend gave me a blow job as we watched a show about Pablo Escobar. This girl wouldn’t put out on my birthday, but Pablo killing a guy in jail gets her going. FML
Today, my girlfriend only gets horny on her period. Unfortunately, she also gets extremely gassy, so I get to smell her vile farts the entire time. I think this relationship is turning me asexual. FML
Today, I was watching a movie on my chair. I leaned back on the back of the chair and kept leaning back. Then I slowly fell down with my chair, onto the floor. It made a big noise, but nobody was hurt, it was just really absurd, like I'd watched another episode of Mr. Bean. FML
Today, I was a bridesmaid at my best friend’s wedding. During the ceremony, I felt a sneeze coming on. I tried to stifle it, but when I sneezed, my bouquet flew out of my hands and into the groom’s face. It knocked his glasses off, and everyone was silent until the groom finally said, “Are you implying you oppose our marriage?” FML
That little guy definitely needs some help!
Today, I tried to get a cup from the designated cabinet. As soon as I opened it, a glass cup fell down, which I narrowly saved from breaking by having it bounce off my foot. Obviously, that didn't feel good. But you know what also didn't feel good? The travel mug falling on my head immediately afterward. FML
Today, after months of at least trying to diet and exercising three times a week for roughly a year or two, I got put on the generic for Lipitor because my LDL is too high. That's what I get for celebrating my mom's birthday literally two days before I had to get my lipid panel taken. FML
Today, my wife dumped me because I have a non-operable brain tumour. It’s not going to kill me, just gives me intermittent symptoms resembling a stroke. She said she couldn’t handle being my carer and left. I don’t need a carer, sometimes I just need to sit until the symptoms go away. FML
Today, I forgot my keys when going out. Now I have to wait at the door for my family, standing in the cold for half an hour. My phone is dying, and neighbors keep giving me pitying looks. It's so awkward. FML
Today, I walked into the gym in my new workout outfit and headed straight for the weight machines. After 10 minutes, a staff member tapped me on the shoulder and said, “Sir, this is a physical therapy clinic.” The gym was next door. FML
Today, after receiving messages from a person or persons who supposedly have a crush on me, I've come to the realization that it's probably been one guy messaging me all along. I'm not even gay. FML
Today, I had a really shitty fight with my dad. We were standing in front of each other, screaming and yelling. Everything gets so complicated and annoying when it comes to him, and I vividly have some deep daddy issues which affect my everyday life. FML
Today, it's been a few days since I had surgery, which means I can’t wash my hair myself for a couple of weeks. Today I paid to have it washed professionally… then proceeded to spill liquid glucose all over the ends of my hair. FML
Today, I have to wear glasses for the first time in my life and my husband won’t stop pestering me because I now look like a librarian, which gets his nerd engine revving like mad. Don’t get me wrong, I’m liking the affection, and who doesn’t want sex more often, but not 2-3 times a day. FML
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