Today, my roommate is super comfortable around me. Comfortable enough to masturbate while we are in the same room. I asked him to stop, which took some self-control because I wanted to shout at him. He said he needs to do it because of his shin splints. Whatever. FML
Today, after months of nasty fights, I decided to turn over a new leaf in my relationship. I apologized for my past actions and spent the week trying to make sure her needs were met and that she felt special. Rather than trying to reconnect, she decided I'm "love bombing" her and now won't even look at me. FML
Today, I reached a year and a half of working from home by myself, while taking care of my baby, since my boyfriend left me when we got pregnant. Something he’d always pushed for. Guess in the end it was just me doing the pushing. FML
Today, it’s been at least the 20th time I’ve heard the “porn stars” (meaning the couple who moved upstairs) going at it like rabbits. I've tried covering my ears, and it doesn’t work. FML
Today, I was feeling nauseous so I decided to take some Pepto Bismol. However, the fake cherry flavor immediately made me vomit all over the kitchen floor. FML
Today, my fiancé left to take care of his little sister who lives alone and recently got COVID-19. To be cautious, he will remain there for weeks until he tests negative. Feeling lonely, I texted my mom for comfort. She immediately canceled our engagement party this summer instead. FML
Today, I drove through a drive-through car wash. The steering wheel turned left on it own. I was pretty sure the railing guided the car but my stupid ass turned the wheel to the other side and popped the car off the rails. It crashed into one of the machines and now I have a huge dent to the front of the car. FML
Today, I found one good thing that came from my great-uncle's death: My family can no longer start arguments about his date of birth. Except now I have a new problem: They're mad at me because I was right all along. Someone's dead and they're too busy being sore losers about a date to care. I miss him. FML
Today, my wife insisted on getting burgers at like 11:58, two minutes before the place closed, which was a dick move. As she’s placing her order, I clearly heard the guy in the back going, “For fuck's sake…” as he restarted the grill. I wouldn’t have blamed him if he spit in her fries, honestly. FML
Today, the way some people just pry into others' life is annoying me. I have very little patience for nosy people who imply and make assumptions about you based on very little information, then air it all out in a work environment. The anger I felt towards you, my coworker, oh my god. I know he noticed and I don't care. FML
Today, I had my legitimation case transferred to another county. Why? Because my child's mother has a lawyer. She moved and didn't give her address, so I can't find our son. She literally filed for child support to be vindictive and is alienating me from our son. FML
Today, I'm 26. With my learning disabilities and underlying physical disabilities, I cannot work high paying intellectual jobs. I have too many repetitive stress injuries from retail and fast food jobs that I cannot go back to them without being in pain. Will I ever become independent? FML
Today, it was my first day as a pharm tech. Two hours into my shift, I came down with awful food poisoning, causing me to go to the restroom multiple times before eventually leaving. I'd filled multiple controlled substances today and can't help but think my coworkers are thinking I'm a drug addict. FML
Today, my fiancée's druggie sister turned up, but I shut the door in her face because the last time she was here £200 went missing and my floor safe had fresh scratches from someone trying and failing to pick the lock. The argument with my fiancée afterwards was so bad, she’s no longer my fiancée. FML
Today, my wife’s ex-boyfriend sent me a message with a screenshot of her trying to get in touch with him. FML
Today, my 7-year-old daughter squeezed her hamster's balls. She squeezed so hard that they literally popped out. She said that her older sister (who is 14-years-old) convinced her to do it. Both girls are grounded and have their cell phones and TV taken away. FML
Today, I listened to Taylor Swift’s new album. I’m a life long Swiftie. I also had a baby last year. Her name is Aimee. One of the lyrics in Taylor’s new song is “F**ck you, Aimee.” Now I can’t listen to this album with my daughter. FML
Today, I met a blind date from a dating app. He looked nothing like his pictures, but I tried to be polite. I said, “Wow, you look different in person!” He smiled and said, “That’s not me. He’s probably just running late, and I’m just sitting here.” FML
Today, I started my weekend right… outside my grandmother's house, trying to repair her yard. The senile landlord came by and trashed it. This isn't the first time. He's pushing 90 years-old, so it's hard to tell if he has dementia or if he's doing it on purpose. All I want to know is, why hasn't he retired? FML
Today, I walked into my hotel room, took off my coat and started unpacking. Ten minutes later, an older couple walked in, holding luggage. I'd gone into THEIR room. The receptionist gave me the wrong fob. They were surprisingly calm, but I had to explain why I’d already used one of their towels. FML
Today, I had people coming over to buy some chairs from me. I took a screenshot of their profile because I was home alone, and watch enough ID to be cautious. I thought I'd sent it to my fiancé. I'd sent it to them instead. Now my anxiety is through the roof. FML
Today, I overheard coworkers talking about someone showing up with lettuce or something in their teeth. I laughed and joked it “could never be me.” Later, in the bathroom mirror, I discovered I’d had the same exact green blob stuck between my front teeth for hours. FML
Today, during sex, I was getting close to climax, which is unusual for me due to personal issues. However, I got a piercing headache and had to stop. I later found out my birth control can cause sex headaches and the best way to avoid them is to avoid orgasms. FML
Today, I agreed to help a "friend" again, after only finding out yesterday she'd been lying to me. FML
Today, my friends were showing me infomercials and laughing at how clumsy and stupid the people were. I could relate to every single one of them. FML
Today, a week after I lost my job, my car was written off by someone rear-ending me, and both parties weren't insured. I tried to look for a new job, but all of them require that you have a vehicle. FML
Today, when I was 14, all I could think about was girls. My son, however, would rather be a "furry", meaning he wears cat ears everywhere, meows and hisses in conversation, and keeps licking his hands and wiping them on his face. FML
Today, I've been having really bad seasonal allergies. I was at work, and feeling just about to sneeze for at least a full minute, but thought I could stop it. A customer came up to me, I opened my mouth to greet her… but instead sneezed right in her face. Several seconds before my addled brain caught up. FML
Today, the most obnoxious customer came into my job. She surprisingly scrutinized everything I did. She even mentioned I didn’t offer our store credit card (I honestly forgot due to being overwhelmed by her rude attitude). Turns out she was a secret shopper. Apparently, I failed her little tests. I was fired. FML
Today, I told the coworker who sits next to me that I don't smoke weed anymore, after she brought a spliff to work. I then got called into the directors' boardroom to receive a warning for smelling like marijuana at work. I was only allowed one more warning before they were due to fire me. FML
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