Today, I was pantsless, horny, and my vibrator died, so I put it on charge next to my bed. My mum then came in, crying hysterically about how she got fired. I was still naked. I felt so bad. FML
Today, I got into an accident, driving pretty slowly on a left turn signal trying to avoid a curb, sticking it out for too long, breaking a car's sideview mirror and causing scratches. The police was called. I have to appear in court for a misdemeanour for my first offence ever. Good bye student visa. FML
Today, I was hyping myself up to work out after weeks of being a lazy slob. I slapped my workout gear on, got my Spotify playlist ready, and just as I was about to start, my friend texted me asking if I wanted pizza. I’m now in my workout clothes, eating pizza on his couch. FML
Today, the guy I gave up all my social life and casual sex partner for, suddenly decided that he wants nothing to do with me sexually, and then called me "desperate" for wanting to be his friend despite that fact. Now, because of him, I'm no longer getting laid, and I have no friends. FML
Today, I looked at my boyfriend of four years's phone. He may not be cheating, but he was trying, and got shot down five times by three different women. Pathetic. FML
Today, I saw an e-mail notification for my husband regarding a flight to New York this Wednesday. Thanksgiving is on Thursday and we have no relatives in New York. When I asked him about it, he confessed that he’s gonna see a lady he met online and that he wants a divorce. I’m due to give birth next month. FML
Today, I corrected someone about a "fact" I'd learned online. They immediately pulled up a search on their phone to prove me wrong. It appears that I'd been confidently spreading a meme as if it were the truth. FML
Today, a guy hit my car, and I threatened to sue him after he started the conversation rudely. He told me to go ahead, because he doesn’t have any money or a job anyway, then because from his perspective he had nothing else really to lose, he kicked my ass. FML
Today, I overheard my husband’s disgusting misogynist brother saying that I shouldn’t be allowed to discipline my son, because “it’ll turn him into one of those pussy ass soyboy simps that listens to bitches.” My husband didn’t even back me when I told the douche to leave our house. FML
Today, I went to the supermarket and picked up some groceries, along with what I thought was a bag of chips. I ripped it open in the car and realized it was a bag of birdseed. As I spat out the birdseed through the car's open window and tried to clean the mess, a pigeon flew into my car and attacked me. FML
Today, it's been a week since I got a gastric balloon to help me lose weight. On the plus side, I've lost 5kg. On the downside, it's been one week of vomiting, diarrhea, not being able to eat solid food, and stomach cramps so painful that it feels like I'm constantly being stabbed. 15 weeks to go… FML
Today, I've been trying to fit into a trio but nothing's working out. Most of the time I'm left alone, then when I talk with one of them, the other one complains about being left out. I don't know how to fit in properly without making one or the other sad or unhappy. FML
Today, I accidentally sent a screenshot of my Tinder conversation to my mom, instead of my friend. Yes, it was dirty. FML
Today, I was having rough sex when I breathed too heavily with a dry throat, and puked on the bed. FML
Today, I went to pull a nose hair out, only to end up pulling a spider out by its legs. FML
Today, I told my friends that I’d cover dinner for my birthday. Five minutes later, my bank app hit me with a low-balance alert. Everyone had already picked their orders. FML
Today, I bought my dog an expensive plushie toy because I thought it would last longer than the cheap ones. He ignored it completely and spent two hours playing with the cardboard box it came in. FML
Today, I told my mom my husband and I were considering having another baby. She said, "No!" about 30 times. Then later she texted me that she insists on no more kids. I guess I will never have that bonding moment with her. FML
Today, I walked past a group of men on my way to work. Instead of catcalling me, they made pig and whale noises at me, and yelled fat shaming comments. By the time I'd reached my building, I had been reduced to tears. FML
Today, after working for 7 hours straight, I sat down for a second to wait for an elevator. My manager told me I wasn't allowed to sit and that I had to get back to work. FML
Today, my neighbor knocked on my door to tell me I'd left my car window open. I thanked him, went outside, and discovered it wasn't my car. He had just spent five minutes checking a stranger's vehicle because it looked like mine. FML
Today, a drunk in a wheelchair tried to fight me. I walked away as he kept hurling insults. He then rammed his chair into my legs, making me fall. I walked away again. Upon the second time, I got up and punched him dead in his face, knocking him backward. I was tackled to the ground for hitting him. FML
Today, it yet again feels like everyone at my job hates me. I'm doing almost everything they do with two people on shift, while I have the solo shift, but I'm constantly told I'm not good enough. I just wanna be happy again. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were getting hot and heavy. He got on top and started kissing my ear when a warm liquid went down my neck. My boyfriend had a gushing nosebleed, which went threw the pillowcase and the pillow. I got cockblocked by a nosebleed. FML
Today, I motioned to my buddy, “Check out that chick, she ain’t got a bra on.” Only for my buddy to turn back and say, “That’s a guy.” FML
Today, it's the third day that I've been ghosted by a Christian boy who's still a virgin. Don’t get me wrong, I think that’s cute, and I liked him a lot. I’m just confused because he asked me out to church last week. He’s really sweet, but maybe he was just trying to convert me? FML
Today, I was at a friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. Everyone cheered, until I slipped on the flowers and fell flat on my back. FML
Today, I'm not sure if this even qualifies as a confession, but here goes: I'm weirdly but genuinely disappointed that my celebrity crush used to get naked on screen. Somehow my delulu brain had convinced itself she was a proper lady 24/7, on and off screen. FML
Today, I tried to trim my beard before a date. I watched a YouTube tutorial and thought, "How hard could it be?" Turns out, very hard. I ended up with one side of my beard looking fabulous and the other side looking like a patch of dried grass. I had to cancel the date and spent the evening watching Netflix with my cats. FML
Today, a classmate wished me a “Happy Cinco De Mayo” and bought me a Mexican sombrero to wear, and little paper Mexican flags to wave around. I’m Venezuelan. FML
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