Today, while wiping my ass, the broken finger that has been set straight dipped into the toilet and touched a turd. This keeps happening since I broke it, and I'm sure it will again. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I was using the toilet. I was still insanely pissed off over an argument with my girlfriend, which kind of explains why I was wiping my ass so furiously that my fingers broke through the tissue and ended up in my ass, causing me to shriek like a little girl. FML
Today, I pulled a muscle in my arm while wiping my butt. FML
Today, during an emergency bathroom visit, I finally broke the toilet seat my fiance had nagged me for months to replace. The broken seat sent me sprawling to the floor. I was still shitting. FML
Today, I pulled a hamstring by taking a dump. FML
Today, after speeding home due to an overflowing bladder, I ran to the bathroom, forgetting that the toilet seat was broken. While doing my business, the toilet seat and I both slid off the bowl. FML
Today, I realized how fat I really am. While going to the bathroom I leaned to the side to wipe my butt and heard a crack. Not knowing what it was, I continued to wipe. After I finished, I got up to see that I'd cracked the toilet seat in half. FML
Today, I was checking my phone while using the toilet. In a distressing moment of my brain mixing up the signals to my hands, I dropped my phone into the bowl and pressed my thumb into the shitty paper to turn it off. FML
Today, I broke my little toe. It got stuck in my panties as I struggled to get a leg through. FML
Today, I was changing my shirt in the bathroom when I dropped it. It fell on my foot, so I decided to flip it up with my foot instead of bending down to get it. I flipped it, and it landed in the toilet. Which somebody had not flushed. FML
Today, like every day, I flushed a public toilet with my foot. Today, unlike every day, my foot missed the handle and landed in the unflushed water. FML
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Top comments
profoundkisses 18
Use your other hand!
revan546 24
Sounds like a shitty situa- no... No.. Im better than this...
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Comments (146)
profoundkisses 18
Use your other hand!
knoxxx 22
Or just lift your bum a little before you wipe!
K410 18
Here's a proper solution ******* stand up and do it you lazy people -.-
dfair1987 16
That's so crazy it just may work
CallMeWindSock 24
Some people are so unable to use both hands that they'd end up punching themselves in the face instead of wiping.
lylotrezor 20
71, that sounds like experience. If it is, I'm sorry. (But I'm still laughing.)
hemz_fml 13
You can also flush the toilet then wipe and flush again.
Shyckor 10
105- That's even more work than before.
fishtities 26
I feel like this was something that happened to Jimmy Fallon when he broke his finger
revan546 24
Sounds like a shitty situa- no... No.. Im better than this...
BntyHntrSeattle 30
Don't worry- we've all said that at some point.
ileenefudge 29
I can honestly say I haven't said it yet.
CallMeWindSock 24
Bad puns are so inviting to make.
AurumPotestasEst 16
Thank you for not indulging in that crappy pun.
Girlytoes 6
Sounds to me that OP is really short, or has a awkwardly high toilet. Or both.
iloveclowns 9
Or an incredibly long finger.
zomgbies 17
Shit happens?
sameboysamesame 11
why not just use the other hand?
ApacheC424 18
Or just stand up before wiping.
Sfaizi24 17
Because op probably broke his left finger, and he doesn't want to wipe his shit with his right hand, the hand he uses to eat
409sPoisonGirl 12
Here's a solution to that... Soap & water!
Caitie_kid 8
28, what is he not going to wash his hands afterwards??
LuckBeNimble 19
3 & 13: because that would make too much sense.
Ameel_fml 19
#28 Huh? I wipe my butt and eat with the same hand. It's my dominant hand, so of course I'm gonna use it to do most things. Have I been doing it wrong all these years? o_O
djxerxes9000 18
In some cultures and religions it's taboo to wipe with your right hand as its the one you eat with. Also taboo to eat with your left hand. In western cultures most would say it doesn't matter as long as you wash your hands.
Sfaizi24 17
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
You guys are nasty. Washing with soap does absolutely not get all of it off.
Poppipuff 14
122 the dominant hand does plenty of nasty things all day long, you can't protect it from everything dirty just because you're using it to eat (in case you're only using one hand when eating...)
JPaccount 2
I think 122 might be so disgusted because he's from a culture that uses a jug of water and their hand to clean directly after going to the toilet, rather than using paper, so thinks people are advocating using their hand directly.
wafflefriez91 17
122 bleach your damn hand then.
michellez 5
#122 you are probably doing it wrong.
slooby_fml 25
You should try practicing with your other hand. It will feel awkward at first, but it could come in handy later in life too
life_sucks225 13
When I read this I wasn't thinking about cleaning yourself after using the bathroom... maybe I just have a dirty mind.
Zoey_M_fml 24
Or maybe flush before you wipe?
IscoreOnU 19
4 my teachers made me learn how to write with my left hand after my shoulder surgery. And I don't regret learning. It's more helpful than one would think
YUMMYFRENCHFRIES 16
I'm already left handed :D
MrsDruidess 23
Well if you can't keep your hand out of the toilet, maybe try gloves? Cause damn man that's really nasty.
emilyjgraham 34
Surely I can't be the only one to think they either have a stupidly small toilet or a really low arse?
Ginger7322 10
That's sounds so shitty!
asleepingbear 8
Sound like a shitty situation
BntyHntrSeattle 30
Refer to comment 2...
Neyuu 18
And you STILL didn't get the joke right.
BlueFlatts 20
I can't expect an alien to use proper grammar or avoid overused comments.
thisawkwardchick 15
There's really no undoing that trauma.
LdyJstc 8
Why not just flush before you wipe??
jkmartinjk 16
Lets try to be eco-friendly here. There are better options than flushing twice.
Queensland 27
Gather round kids. Today we're learning a new word. 'Recycling!'
EarlFug 19
Gathering and recycling round kids? Good idea!
thrifting 18
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Or like when you're wiping your ass and your fingers bust through and you're pretty much fingering yourself..
Joshtheparawhore 6
Nope that's just you