Alexa, play "Don't Go" by Yazoo

Today, my girlfriend is on her period. She hugged me, crying because she was going to miss me. Where was I going? To the store down the street and back. FML

Today, my girlfriend woke me at 5am, just to say how great it was that I could still sleep two more hours before leaving for work. FML

STFU

Today, my girlfriend missed our date, so I angrily texted her, telling her if she can't make our dates then we should break up, and generally telling her off. Five minutes later I get a picture of her sleeping in a hospital bed from her mother, saying, "Shut the fuck up, she had appendicitis." FML

Today, I was showing the guy I like something on my phone. My period tracking app decided it was the perfect time to tell me that I need to stock up on tampons, because I'm getting my period tomorrow. FML

Today, I received an email saying that the present I ordered for my girlfriend's birthday will be a week late, which makes it a week late for her birthday. I sat down and said we needed to talk, she burst into tears and apologised for 'sleeping with him,' I just wanted to tell her it would be late. FML

Today, I told my boyfriend that my period was now over three weeks late. He still doesn't believe me since it's April Fool's day. But I'm not kidding. FML

Today, my girlfriend is as punctual as a German train; I woke up to see her taking a dump into a plastic bag in our bedroom, all because my roommate was using the bathroom and she had to leave for work on time. FML

Today, I found out that my girlfriend is four months pregnant. She can't wait for us to be parents. I guess she forgot that I haven't seen her in 7 months. FML

Today, my girlfriend tells me she missed her period this month. I felt excited until she said, "I will let you know the results of the paternity test." I was not aware we needed a paternity test. FML

Too much of a good thing

Today, my girlfriend complained that our quickies shouldn’t take 45 minutes. FML