Today, my Darwin Award-nominated cousin got himself admitted to the hospital because he substituted the hammer and screwdriver for a meat tenderizer and a knife when he couldn't find the toolbox. The one I clearly labeled "TOOLS" in giant letters to avoid this situation from happening again. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, on my building site, I asked one of the guys to pass me a screwdriver. He threw it so hard that when I caught it, it stabbed into the meat of my finger and came clean out the other side. Now all the guys keep joking I got royally screwed. The jokes are worse than the pain. FML
Today, I asked my wife to keep our toddler confined while I hung a shelf. Of course, she didn't, and he came in and picked up a screwdriver. I tried to take it away, and he ran off giggling, only to trip and slice his forehead open. According to my wife, this is entirely my fault and she is taking him to her mom's. FML
Today, I got several thumbtacks jabbed into me. Why? Because my cousin thought it would be a funny prank to superglue a bunch of thumbtacks to his nerf darts. My left forearm is still bleeding. FML
Today, I was finally able to get around to a totally free day when I could do some much needed DIY around the house. Before I even started, I cut my hand on a Stanley knife almost to the bone, and had to get 8 stitches. My wife thinks I did it on purpose to get out of doing the repairs. FML
Today, whilst stacking the dish washer I dropped a steak knife. Luckily, I caught it just before it hit my foot. I fist-pumped to celebrate my amazing catch and stabbed myself in the cheek. My parents couldn't stop laughing all the way to the hospital. FML
Today, I was helping my friend wash dishes. As I went to grab some tongs to dry them, I impaled my forearm on a knife that was sticking blade up. My friend wanted to finish the dishes before taking me to the hospital. FML
Today, while joking with my coworkers about how I shouldn't be trusted with a stapler because I managed to accidentally staple my finger last week, I stapled another finger. FML
Today, I was trying to fix a broken desk fan. I'd taken the guard off and was trying to unscrew the blades, when my roommate decided it'd be funny to plug it in. The blades sliced into my thumb. I need stitches, and he still thinks it's hilarious. FML
Today, I was working in a deli when I cut more meat than I intended; I basically removed my fingerprint via the deli slicer. FML
Today, I was helping tidy up after my girlfriend's flat warming. I went to put a sharp kitchen knife in the sink while she was washing dishes, and stabbed her in the finger instead. FML
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Top comments
Pixiewolfe 46
Again..? What did he do the first time around ?
phaelnb 26
He's been nominated, but he really wants that trophy
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Comments (14)
Pixiewolfe 46
Again..? What did he do the first time around ?
Glowworm56 27
Wait, he's done this before? No wonder you describe him as being Darwin Award nominated.
phaelnb 26
He's been nominated, but he really wants that trophy
cacheson 42
Why would you keep your meat tenderizer and knives in a toolbox?
Mike3258 18
they weren't.
jaydawg69 6
I think u should be nominated for a Darwin Award for explaining the story that way.
JBChristian 47
Right, because that will get him killed naturally.
celestialphoenix 9
Peel the label off the toolbox and stick it to your cousin's forehead.
Glowworm56 27
Cross off the "S" at the end first.
RichardPencil 32
He probably thought that label meant it belonged to a tool.
Warmonger_Smurf 29
So why he using a hammer and screwdriver to tenderize meat? And how did he hurt himself doing it?
skippydoda 32
You can't fix stupid.
azouwa 26
genetics man... nothin' like it!! lol