Today, my boyfriend found a take-out menu under my bed. It's probably been there for months. He looked at it and said, "Well, that explains a lot." FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my boyfriend texted me saying he had left a surprise on my driveway. Thinking it was something special, I went outside to look. It was a little bag of mayonnaise packets. FML
Today, my boyfriend sent me a picture. In the mirror I could see a bra and thong sitting on his bed. They weren't mine. FML
Today, I went on a date with a really cute guy. Things were going great, so we went to his place. While he was in the bathroom, I absentmindedly looked around his apartment. Unfortunately, his living room cupboard was half open, and I saw a shrine of pictures of me. Apparently, he's been stalking me for months. FML
Today, I took my boyfriend to meet my parents over dinner. During the meal, he excused himself to the bathroom, and when he didn't come back after a few minutes, I went to check up on him. I ended up finding him in the living room, pocketing a pack of ambien from my mom's bag. FML
Today, I woke up to my boyfriend making breakfast. I thought he was making it for me, so I sat at the table. When he walked over with his plate, he said, "Oh, I didn't know you were here!" I'd slept in the same bed with him last night. FML
Today, I found a notebook labeled "IMPORTANT INFO" in my boyfriend's nightstand. Looking in, I saw he'd written down a bunch of information about me, like my birthday and things I like. When I asked, he said, "I'm forgetful and didn't want to accidentally be a dick." FML
Today, I turned on my boyfriend's computer and saw pictures of all of my credit cards, front and back, and several of my parent's credit cards. I looked in his e-mail and found receipts for items which had been billed to me and delivered to him, including golf clubs and my birthday gift. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were wondering whose extra spare key was on the counter when we came home. Turns out it's his ex's and she returned it, while neither of us were home. We're still taking inventory to see what's missing. FML
Today, I went to a restaurant with my boyfriend. When it came time for us to leave, I saw him write something on the receipt for our waitress. I managed to get a quick look; it was his number. FML
Today, I wanted to surprise my boyfriend by bringing him some dinner. He made the same noise unwrapping the burger that he does when he sees me naked. I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing. FML
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Top comments
ThePsyche 9
You should put a carton of penis enlargement pills under his bed and when you "find them" look him in the eye and say, "well that explains a lot".
SortOfSexy 4
Your boyfriend sounds like a dick.
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Comments (45)
st333ph 12
This reminds me of the song carry out.
ViQValentine 3
Not every remotely funny FML should be related to (in my opinion) a shitty rap "song".. People ruin FMLs like that.. Good day(:
innavoiG 9
Quit your bitching, 48
ViQValentine 3
I never said I was bitching. I'm just stating my opinion like most people feel free to do on this website. Sorry if what I said offended you, but my opinion is my opinion. I don't like rap. Now if you must, downvote me to oblivion. I honestly don't care. It doesn't prove any point.
Crlnprz 11
Quit your bitching about bitching, 51
KiddNYC1O 22
LOUD noises!!!
kattylizbeth 19
57- off topic, but I love your hair (:
BRLHP 24
57- off topic, but your hair isn't all that good looking (:
GhettoXmuffin 7
57, you don't need to say you're bitching in order to bitch.
NashyzzleTheN 10
Kids, kids, lets all get along here!
_Oblivion_ 12
Oh god, please don't thumb her into me. Oblivion is too good for the downvotees of fml.
source_confirmed 2
I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'RE YELLING ABOUT!!!
dabeast15 7
*******
DCvRkey2012 7
Stop yelling! I'm trying to read.
AKGirlinSD 20
Nobody got 98's reference? Or is that reference over used on FML? Either way, I wanted to state the same thing but 98 beat me to it...raises my fist in the air!
CommonSenseKarma 17
Everyone's bitching about one person's bitching over another's bitching about a rap song. The **** is wrong with you people?
AvengedSevenfold_fml_fml 12
I hate bitches that bitch about bitches bitching about bitches.
SortOfSexy 4
Your boyfriend sounds like a dick.
Inheritance 10
He can't help what he eats.
WritingWrongs 8
Nice comment, 2. I guess it's best to get all the stupid comments out of the way early. i'll go ahead and get the next one out out the way... "dump him". There, now everyone can shut up.
MormonPornstar 7
God forbid anybody ever tell joke for the remainder of all existence.
unknown_user5566 27
WritingWrongs- Who pissed in your Cheerios this morning? You seem to be very concerned with berating other people's comments to make yourself feel intellectual today. With all the energy you're spending on trolling, you probably could have just written your own halfway decent comment.
CyborgBanana 12
29 - "You seem to be very concerned with berating other people's comments to make yourself feel intellectual today." From the many comments I've seen from you, that quoted sentence is full of hypocrisy.
iHeartRKO 5
40- thank you.
unknown_user5566 27
40- I never said I don't take issue with some comments on this site. However, when I do it, it's usually the comments that murder the English language, that are disgustingly sexist, completely nonsensical, etc. There wasn't anything wrong with #2's comment, and WritingWrongs comment wasn't necessary.
Codezlol 21
I think some of the funniest shit on this website isn't the "witty" comments people make. The real humor is how serious and defensive some people get haha.
ManInTheMachine 20
I'm with both Nordrag and kylee. WritingWrongs WAS being an unnecessary dickwad, but his comment was especially unnecessary because: A.) There was honestly nothing wrong with 2's comment. B.) It applies to the FML, and the boyfriend did make a douchebag statement. C.)The bleeding sarcasm was overkill, and the 'now we can all shut up' basically was the final nail in the coffin. It's all about delivery, people!
LiesAndMischief 4
Almost seems like WritingWrongs just has a problem with 2, considering this is the second time in a row that he unnecessarily shot them down. In the previous FML he did it too.
Posthuman 26
WritingWrongs is just a little too in sync with logic and taking everything with a non-humorous literal attitude. If he were to look at some comments without his stuck up, "everyone is below me" attitude and illogical logic he might finally get off of his man period and make a nice comment to someone.
laden_swallow09 35
85- You mean his "manstration"? Rofl
WritingWrongs 8
All right, you all are right, my comment was unnecessary, sorry; and I was NOT trying to be funny, I don't like "sortofsexy". The one thing that pisses me off to high hell in this world is people making fun of the mentally disadvantaged. I don't mean to sound "high and mighty" but someone who goes to the trouble of making a picture like that their user photo is just as bad as the person who tried to make it into a "meme".
SortOfSexy 4
The funny part about this is that you're making yourself look like an idiot, the "Eemahgerd" girl is not mentally challenged, it was just a picture of a girl making a funny face. Look it up.
WritingWrongs 8
All right, keep thumbing me down, but I can't be the only one who thinks that.
WritingWrongs 8
–2, be prepared, this is the official "WritingWrongs" ultimate apology (little to no excuses included). I examined the reference you posted and you are correct. I spoke from ignorance, and I honestly and with a heartfelt manor do apologize to "sortofsexy" and the fml community, I feel like an idiot and deserve to be dragged out into the street. O do I so apologize, mighty fml gods, and do repent my sins... too much?
Posthuman 26
All is forgiven
Reeserr 3
Writing wrongs is the greatest troll ever
Driblets 8
#29 this has nothing related to the FML however I just wanted to say that If I wasn't lazy an it wasn't 2am I would definitely add you to my favorite connectors in my about me. I have always an will always love you and your comments kyleekay. :3
Driblets 8
And** commenters**
sharksfan48 13
I think it's time to get a new boyfriend.... Unless he means you're really fit for eating healthy :D
CrewBoy 10
Of course, I mean breaking up is ALWAYS the best thing in these situations. Work through problems? thats crazy talk.... With that attitude you're going to be single for a long time.
LadyA13 1
Ya, because we all know it is better to settle and stay with whoever you're dating, even if they treat you badly.
wolfhausen 7
Communicating with your partner when you have disagreements is part of a relationship. That has absolutely nothing to do with settling.
CrewBoy 10
If my girlfriend called me ugly once, I should break up with her? Is that what you're saying, 24?
jweezy89 4
Did anyone consider that the bf might have meant, "That explains a lot, I've been wondering where this menu was." And just didn't say the second part? I understand that this is on FML but maybe op just misinterpreted her bf's comment.
gree_fml 11
Plenty of fish in the sea. Although, in my opinion if one fish actually calls you ugly, you can always move on to another fish. Who wants to have a fish that makes you feel bad?
happle 21
31- Dafuck. I'd never call my boyfriend ugly. Or anything mean. D:
sharksfan48 13
I dont think that way, and if you read my bio you'll understand (I don't know who posted that comment) I, Andre, personally believe that communication is the key of a healthy relationship. Yeah I'm only 15 but I've seen enough from my own personal experience, friends, and family .
forever_born 6
If my boyfriend called me fat he would probably do it again but yeah it's not a count for a break up. Give him a chance to redeem himself
hama806 19
24-your sarcasm is obvious. Shame others didn't get it.
ThePsyche 9
You should put a carton of penis enlargement pills under his bed and when you "find them" look him in the eye and say, "well that explains a lot".
toelie 26
Actually if she did that she'd be implying he has a massive penis. He might not feel too bad about that.
onlychildFTW 34
No, what she should do when she finds them is say "I don't think they are working."
greatdanen 6
Yes, that would definately be the most mature and non passive-aggressive bullshit response to his dick move, resolving all their relationship tension. I would go for a woman with this kind of response to a dissatisfactory interaction any day, they make the world a better place.
zebraumicornz 6
Go duck yourself @16
zebraumicornz 6
***** sorry
Dimence 9
Duck actually sounds better
Codezlol 21
What the duck is going on in here 54? Don't worry, bro. I've got your quack.
greatdanen 6
sorry, I only duck attractive women
lexi365 20
#92, you killed the joke...
ElricMustang 23
Following 4's comment, that would only make him feel better, because she's saying he has a big penis and he knows he hasn't taken those pills. However, 10's is a better idea :P
ElricMustang 23
Following 4's comment, that would only make him feel better, because she's saying he has a big penis and he knows he hasn't taken those pills. However, 10's is a better idea :P
greatdanen 6
97 - you're just riding the wave, it could've been funny in another context *here come the jokes*. you know it's true thoug
ProfessionalTrol_fml 14
You should just take him out. Or maybe not
BellaBelle_fml 23
Make up your mind, dammit!
gc327072 31
To take out, or not to take out. That is the question.
toenibbler 14
Or is it... I'm not quite sure...
unknown_user5566 27
I'm assuming he implied that you are a little chubby? If that's the case, tell him to take you out for a nice healthy meal (or cook you one), instead of being passive agressive about the issue.
carminecris89 13
A healthy meal sounds even more passive aggressive.
unknown_user5566 27
... Not if OP asks for it, like I suggested.
iHeartRKO 5
39- some stuff, you shouldn't have to ask for.
agonydrum 7
44, I hate it when people say that, it's one of the most passive aggressive things to can say, believe it or not most people can't read minds
DocBastard 40
I can't decide if "It's probably been there for months" makes you sound completely guilty because you've used it so many times or entirely innocent because you put it there months ago and forgot about it. Yeah, I'm going with guilty.
Sumo69 9
Or maybe she doesn't clean her house
BellaBelle_fml 23
Hence Doc's option of, "…because you put it there months ago and forgot about it." meaning she hasn't cleaned out from under her bed in months.
Chris455 8
What if op's boyfriend put it there so he could have his excuse to be mad, make fun of her, or break up?
BellaBelle_fml 23
If that were the case then I'm pretty sure the OP would have mentioned not having seen it before.
onlychildFTW 34
Well maybe you need a more appreciating bf. he obviously thinks you have a problem.
Awsumuzzie 12
No one is perfect. He could have worded it differently, though. The risky part of a relationship is working out problems together, this is one of those times. I don't see switching him as the only option.
dancingprancer 6
Hmm. Sounds like its time for a new boyfriend ....he could've put it better. He should love you no matter what! More cushion for the pushin'!
Posthuman 26
So you're saying that he doesn't love her? How do you know that? Unless you are OP's boyfriend, I don't think you have the authority to say wether or not "Well, that explains a lot" means "I don't love you anymore"
Theporcelaindoll 1
Wow...time for a new boyfriend, a true boyfriend should love you for who you are not tear you down and lower your self esteem....thats just wrong of him to say, either sit down and talk with him or look for somebody who will love every part of you :)
AlexaWuzHere 31
OP's boyfriend is still with her, isn't he? Just because he implied she's getting a bit chunky doesn't mean he doesn't love her for who she is. Physical attraction is a very important part of relationships, and, although he could have been nicer about it, OP's bf was not out of place for informing her that she was... Well, getting big. If my boyfriend told me I was getting fat, I would just start working out more and dieting, not break up with him.