Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. I thought it was all going really well, until I looked up a minute or two in, only to be greeted by a stone-cold death glare and the words, "You really are an idiot, aren't you?" FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I kissed my girlfriend for the first time. She recoiled in horror and asked if someone had taken a shit in my mouth. FML
Today, I was all set to lose my virginity to my girlfriend. I was ecstatic, until she threatened to "beat the fuck" out of me if I didn't make it good for her. The actual sex was 30 seconds of me being given death glares, causing me to lose my boner, and have to leave in shame. FML
Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. The words "Christ, Jeff. It's a vagina, not a burrito. CALM DOWN!" were spoken. FML
Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. I went slowly to build up the excitement, and I thought it was working really well, until he sighed, "For fuck's sake, it's a dick, not a shotgun." and told me to stop embarrassing him. FML
Today, my girlfriend was giving me amazing head. I was really getting into it, when she looked up, and gave me a thumbs up. I can never take oral sex seriously again. FML
Today, I was making out with my girlfriend for the first time, and she reached down to feel me up. When her hands got there, she stopped and said, "You're not even hard..." I was. FML
Today, my girlfriend of two years and I decided to have sex for the first time. When we were in the room, finally ready to start, she confessed that she had never seen a penis before. To make her more comfortable, I showed her mine. At the sight of it, well, she actually fainted. FML
Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. Let's just say pubes and toilet paper residue were the least of my problems. FML
Today, I woke up to a really cold feeling down below. I opened my eyes and saw my girlfriend grinning like a maniac and holding my crotch-sausage between two scissor blades. I screamed in terror like a little bitch, and she says I'm never gonna live this down. FML
Today, I went all the way for the first time with my girlfriend. After I had finished, she asked me, "What just happened? Was that sex?" I wasn't sure either. FML
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Top comments
Spongii101 12
What the hell were you doing to her?!
DomDomxoxo 16
That's pretty harsh, at least you tried it out for her. I know some guys who always expect head and don't give anything back...
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Comments (155)
GamerGoldfish 7
she could've given some CONSTRUCTIVE criticism - if you've never done it before, it's not that easy, and everyone's different. It's all about finding a technique :)
blackcherries 5
Wow, harsh :/ especially being the first time with her. She shouldn't have been so rude to you, I find that very unfair. Next time ask her how she wants it. If she is still being bitchy about it well she can **** off with someone else and you can find yourself a real lady who actually appreciates you trying!!
kumonsucks 7
As my kumon teacher always says, more repetition is needed
viper_dlh04 1
Nobody catches the biggest bass on your first time fishing.
onorexveritas 24
atleast you tried
iwadasn 33
I'm guessing you must have done something absolutely horrible in order to get that kind of reaction, so I'm going to say YDI. Besides, if the genders on this had been reversed, everyone would be cheering the boyfriend on for "putting her in her place" or whatever.
KiddNYC1O 22
Practice holding your breath some more.
marramrammar 2
WTF- wrong hole ....LOL
Supernovas_Child 13
If I was in your position, I kind of would have slapped her. A bad sex partner is no reason to be a bitch. Unless you bit her. Then I would understand her reaction.
daybar12 8
Lol what a bitch. But I can't help but wonder what you were doing down there to make her say that...