Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. I went slowly to build up the excitement, and I thought it was working really well, until he sighed, "For fuck's sake, it's a dick, not a shotgun." and told me to stop embarrassing him. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I was giving my boyfriend a handjob for the first time. It took ages for him to get excited, and in the end the only thing that blew up was him, saying, "Oh my god, just stop it already." FML
Today, I was getting intimate with my boyfriend for the first time. I went down on him, only for him to burst into tears halfway through. Apparently, I do it just like his long-lost teen sweetheart did. I swear I could feel him go completely limp in my mouth. FML
Today, I finally felt ready to give my boyfriend a blowjob. Barely 20 seconds in, he said: "I'll be honest, this is TERRIBLE." FML
Today, my boyfriend went down on me for the first time. He definitely killed the mood when, while down there, he started saying, "Nomnomnomnom." FML
Today, I gave my boyfriend a handjob for the first time. Apparently, I was so bad at it that he eventually just slapped my hand away and angrily said he'd do it himself. FML
Today, after months of a very healthy sex life with my boyfriend, he asked me to let him try anal. I'm dead-set against it, so I tried to let him down easy by jokingly saying that I would, but only if he let me try it on him first. He said, "Sure." Fuck. FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. It was all going great until he decided to try talking dirty. His idea of this was moaning loudly, "Just what the pussy ordered" as he entered me. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that I needed to moan louder so that he knew I was enjoying it. Reluctantly, I put a little 'umph' into my moans during the next round. He pulled out and said, "It's just awkward now." FML
Today, I decided it was time to lose my virginity to my boyfriend. After about ten minutes he started going faster and his stomach was slapping against mine. It was making a weird sound so I started laughing. Apparently that wasn't sexy and he went soft. My first time and we didn't even finish. FML
Today, I was getting dirty with my boyfriend. It was the first time he had fingered anyone, and the only thing he said was, "It feels like the inside of my asshole." FML
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Top comments
MrHotShot22 6
well I mean....it can shoot at you so maybe it is.
whostolemylama 12
It's not your fault, since its your first time, you don't know what the guy's sex rhythm is. FYL , that was a DICK thing to say.
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Comments (172)
wkki98 1
With that kind of unnecessary defensiveness, maybe he's insecure about how easy the trigger is.
retyi43 14
embarrassing him? were there others watching? he needs to be a little more patient and take time to teach you what he likes. in this case, HDI (he deserved it)
Steve95401 49
OP's boyfriend sounds like a real jerk off. I hope his shotgun only shoots blanks so he can't reproduce.
Squygm 7
Well someone's never getting head again
TheLadyOpal 30
You should remind him that it's never a smart move for him to criticize anyone whose teeth are millimeters away from a sensitive part of his anatomy.
Sandsh8rk 36
Was his shotgun firing blanks?
ICastillo 25
Well I don't know how you can suck at sucking, but practice makes perfect OP.
cognauticcreix 9
Well im assuming he has a **** mechanism down there somewhere
Gummybearjunkie 3
Well he wouldn't be getting it again...
buckdharma 38
You'll shoot your eye out.