Today, I was planning on breaking up with my girlfriend of five years in two days time. She just mailed me a care package that said, "I'd die without you." FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me by taping a breakup note to my doorstep and ding-dong-ditching me. FML
Today, my boyfriend of two years sent me a text message saying, "Don't worry I'm gonna break up with her soon. Love you." FML
Today, I broke up with my girlfriend. She was ecstatic. Apparently, she'd been trying to figure out how to break up with me for the past four months. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me through a text message. In retaliation, I started typing a long list of everything I hate about her. Just as I pressed the send button, she text me again saying "Just joking. You know I'd never leave you. Love you babe :)" FML
Today, I woke up to a text from my boyfriend that said, "Dude, I think she knows I'm going to break up with her." FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me through my birthday card. FML
Today, I wrote my girlfriend a song. She wrote me a 13-page letter on why we should break up. FML
Today, I sent my girlfriend a nice "Good morning" text after I woke up. Then I found a paper note stuck to my bedroom door, in which she broke up with me. FML
Today, my girlfriend of 3 weeks gave me an ultimatum: marry her, or she kills herself. FML
Today, my girlfriend gave me a two week notice for our relationship. FML
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Top comments
Intoxicunt 6
Murderer! :)
Raegron 4
...or give it one last try, see how it works out? :) (we don't know anything else than what you've written, so this may be a very bad idea, I don't know :D).
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Comments (127)
allmidnighteyes 11
She's been shot through the heart, and YOU'RE the only one to blame. Dammit man, why do you have to give love a such a bad name?
Intoxicunt 6
You're becoming the new lyrics guy. I love the way you're doing it though. :)
redbluegreen 41
But she played her part, and he played his game. He definitely gives love a bad name. Oh hai Toxi! You've just been TWIN-A-TIZED! How's it feel to be the filling of this sandwich?
allmidnighteyes 11
Hai Rachel and Toxi :D Thanks, Toxi ♥
redbluegreen 41
Well... Since Alan's the only one around here that eats ham.. What about PB & J?
plexico 4
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me Until you died But you're still alive.
Intellectualist 0
Toxi...I love you....now where are my babies??
Finnboghi 0
This was a triumph. I'm making a note here: HUGE SUCCESS. It's hard to overstate my satisfaction. Aperture Science We do what we must because we can. For the good of all of us. Except the ones who are dead. But there's no sense crying over every mistake. You just keep on trying till you run out of cake. And the Science gets done. And you make a neat gun. For the people who are still alive. I'm not even angry. I'm being so sincere right now. Even though you broke my heart. And killed me. And tore me to pieces. And threw every piece into a fire. As they burned it hurt because I was so happy for you! Now these points of data make a beautiful line. And we're out of beta. We're releasing on time. So I'm GLaD. I got burned. Think of all the things we learned for the people who are still alive. Go ahead and leave me. I think I prefer to stay inside. Maybe you'll find someone else to help you. Maybe Black Mesa THAT WAS A JOKE. HAHA. FAT CHANCE. Anyway, this cake is great. It's so delicious and moist. Look at me still talking when there's Science to do. When I look out there, it makes me GLaD I'm not you. I've experiments to run. There is research to be done. On the people who are still alive. And believe me I am still alive. I'm doing Science and I'm still alive. I feel FANTASTIC and I'm still alive. While you're dying I'll be still alive. And when you're dead I will be still alive. STILL ALIVE STILL ALIVE
hazza_1234 0
**** YES! the cake is so not a lie
OperationNicole_fml 0
Intoxicunt, why does fmylife seem to be your raison d'etre?
AmoraLynn 6
Well I'm here, to remind you! -great song ref
astan92 1
**** her! Break up anyway you can't let other people control you like that. If she can't get over it then she deserves it. If she does "die" with out you the you have avoid a bad situation. You would be stuck with her for the rest of your life. Everything is about you until you let someone else control you.
redbluegreen 41
Well... Since Alan's the only one around here that eats ham.. What about PB & J?
Intoxicunt 6
Ok. I'm butta, you can be peanut or jelly.
Kofu 0
Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law reference! [maybe?]
iilovehaters 0
kill the bitch
jchansfan 0
You guys are all dead inside, aren't you? :P But seriously, OP it makes the OP sound pretty heartless. I never get when people have a planned break up date... Like seriously wtf? Why on earth do you need to preplan a break up? Its not like it needs to "go well" or that the date'd really affect that much... :/
Soup_fml 0
He was probably waiting to be able to end it face-to-face, since the fact that she's mailing him packages implies they're pretty far apart right now. And for that same reason, that line about her dying without him is probably just a melodramatic way of saying she's missed him while they've been apart.
GeorgiaBea 28
It's not about being dead on the inside. For her to say that is wrong. You can't force someone to stay with you.
irockmyworld 0
or, you could send her a package that says, "but baby, i'd die if I stayed with you." she should get the hint.
allmidnighteyes 11
boom, snap, ******' CLAP
redbluegreen 41
You have the clap?
allmidnighteyes 11
No, I have herpe-gono-syphil-itis. :p
redbluegreen 41
Well then... All that comes to mind now is "**** OR GTFO!" but that's a little awkward to ask of you, Twinny.
allmidnighteyes 11
fiiiiine... ( o Y o ) My nipples are bigger than ******* pepperonis, Rach :C
redbluegreen 41
I don't think I can look at you anymore in the face, Alan. ALL I SEE NOW IS MEAT!
opendaz 0
Sorry, I just had visions of sugarplums dancing in my head…
fckaduck 0
Break up with her. Now. She's a crazy person.
Flamersplamer 0
Sorry, you are not a winner this time, you get a sucky care package as your prize, contents: 1 note preventing you breaking up with your girlfriend as easily.
01100110 0
FML comments aren't funny anymore.
redbluegreen 41
What do you propose then? What would satisfy you MOST?
Intoxicunt 6
I don't think what would satisfy him most is allowed on this site.... ;)
allmidnighteyes 11
Yeah, I am.
plexico 4
Yes, they are. Unless, of course, you are one of those guys who busts a gut every time you see "That sucks." Why is your name the binary for 'f?'
jonnymohio 2
Emotional blackmail. Dump her. If she's that needy and clingy then you are not responsible for what she does afterwards. If you stay with her, she'll use that line over and over again. Eventually she'll say, "Honey, don't go out with the guys, I'll die without you." or something similar then you'll be trapped at home. Just watch the movie "Misery" to see what she'll become and what the situation could turn into.
citycrazed25 0
Shes not going to die she just wants you to stay. What a desperate trick. don't fall for it. Call her bluff.