Today, I walked into my new office for the first time after receiving the promotion I've been trying for. Someone took a dump on my desk. FML

I am very hungry

Today, a bird flew into the workshop where I work, gave itself a tour of the place, then promptly pooped on my lunch and left. FML

The Fall

Today, as a restaurant hostess, I fell into the fountain at work while carrying a high chair in front of several large parties, who all promptly laughed at me. We were so busy, I had to stay and finish my shift soaking wet. FML

"Why are you booing me? I'm right"

Today, I broke my toe on a decorative statue I bought for our front yard. My husband warned me it took up too much space and was a hazard, and now I get to hear him say, "I told you so." FML

Domino effect

Today, I laughed at a coworker for breaking a chair during a meeting. Ten minutes later, I sat in another chair, and it snapped under me. My coworker just whispered, "Karma, bitch." FML

Today, I visited my grandparents at their farm. When I went to pee in the outhouse, I noticed a round thing in the middle of the hole, so I peed on it. It was a beehive. FML

From a great height

Today, I was sitting on the back porch with my husband. I felt two raindrops land on my head, so I said we should go inside because it was starting to rain. It turned out to just be a bird shitting on me. FML

WTF dude?

Today, I heard water dripping at the back of our house. I went to investigate, only to find a man peeing on our garden gnome. FML

I'm trying! I'm trying!

Today, I took a pottery class to try out a new hobby. After an hour of work, I had somehow created something that looked vaguely like a bowl. The teacher walked by and asked what I was making. When I proudly said, "A bowl," she paused and replied, "Oh." FML

The smells of summer

Today, I was sitting in the garden with a book, enjoying the fragrant summer breeze. That fragrance changed somewhat once my kittens discovered that the big mole hill next to me made an excellent toilet. FML