Don't touch me, bitch

Today, I found out that when you try to pick up my cat, its response is to let out the most stinky fart it can. FML

Today, my cat was laying on my chest while I was in bed. I farted, which my closed legs seemed to amplify. My cat was so scared, she used me as a launching pad and cut my chest in three places with her claws. FML

The price of Floof

Today, I dropped $1600 at the emergency vet because I thought my 14 year-old cat was constipated or obstructed. He was neither. He just had lots of gas in his intestines. I paid $1600 to find out my cat needed to fart. FML

Today, my cat, who is very 'don't-ever-touch-me', jumped up next to me as if she wanted to be stroked. In reality, she wanted to share a hellish fart. I need a new cat. FML

Today, I farted so loud that my cat thought that I was growling at him, and bit me in self-defense. FML

Toot toot

Today, I heard my cat fart for the first time ever. It was this cute little “peeeep” sound. The smell, however… Good god, that was not cute at all. FML

Today, I blew a huge gum bubble. My cat was on my lap and decided to shove her face in the bubble. There's gum all over her, and I still have scars from the last time I tried bathe her. FML

Today, after about fifteen minutes of my cat bullying me into letting him get onto my lap, I finally caved. He clambered on, turned around, farted in my direction, and got off as fast as he got on. FML

Today, I was playing with my cat and holding her upside down. She started frantically meowing, but I still continued on playing with her. Seconds later, she got explosive diarrhea everywhere, including my hair, face, shirt, and mouth. FML

Today, when I was at my girlfriend's house, I farted and blamed it on the cat. I forgot the cat died 2 weeks ago. FML