Today, I finally figured out why I've been getting diarrhea so often over the past six months. It only happens whenever I do something "sneaky". My body reacts strongly to how I stress over potentially getting caught. I'm a private investigator, and I apparently need a new career. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I was confronted by my superiors for spending a "suspicious" amount of time in the bathroom every day. Not only did I have to take the test, but I also had to send in a doctor's note proving that I have a bowel condition I'd hoped to keep secret. FML
Today, I got diagnosed with a condition that expresses itself in the form of violent diarrhea whenever I get nervous. Now I am constantly nervous about getting nervous about anything. FML
Today, I have such bad diarrhea that every time I sneeze I poop. I've discovered it's very hard to run to the bathroom every time I feel the urge to sneeze. FML
Today, my ass decided that it was the perfect day to exhibit the diarrhea side-effect of medicine I'm taking. I definitely made a lasting impression on my interviewer. FML
Today, I have a job interview after months of struggling to find work. I also woke up with explosive diarrhea and can’t be away from the toilet for more than 10 minutes. FML
Today, during an 8 hour shift at a very busy bowling alley, I found out I can't trust a fart anymore. I'm only 25. Now I have to finish my shift commando, and also get rid of the evidence without anyone noticing. FML
Today, I finally realized that I have so much anxiety and stress, I would fail a polygraph test asking me my own name. FML
Today, I've been chronically constipated so long that I was actually grateful for the sudden blast of diarrhea that ruined my pants. FML
Today, I had to cancel an appointment due to diarrhea. I was so nervous that when the receptionist asked why, I told her, "I can't stop shitting." FML
Today, I have horrible diarrhea because of IBS. If I was at home, this wouldn't be that big of an issue, but I'm at work and I don't have access to a bathroom all the time. I also found out I have about 10 minutes to get to the toilet or else I'll probably shit myself. FML
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Top comments
Crazynopantsman 11
It's smelly in here my dear Watson
FMLJFL 5
Damn, that is some bad luck. But can't you train yourself to pass obstacles like this?
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Comments (106)
FMLJFL 5
Damn, that is some bad luck. But can't you train yourself to pass obstacles like this?
Whaaaaaat734 6
Couldn't you just take some training or pills, OP?
Whaaaaaat734 6
I meant to comment not reply, apologies.
buckerado 19
My favorite is Imodium and if it isn't that bad the occasional Pepto... I should probably see a doctor.~___~
Trix_Disorder 20
OP seems to have no problems "passing obstacles." Teehee.
fresh247 10
just keep tums on u
dontpanic_fml 32
Yeah, let me know how that works for your diarrhea
astralvagan 20
Try becoming an honest private eye, if such a thing even exists.
Shrouds 14
You can't quit, your good at it! Just wear a diaper.
Synapsky 10
Codename: Huggies
spazz666 18
His good at what?
Shrouds 14
investigating privates
outoftown 27
And you can probably deduct the diapers as a business expense, with a letter from your doctor.
HeartOfLead 24
She was referring to your misuse of the word your, thus her saying "his" instead of "he's". I had to say something.
Crazynopantsman 11
It's smelly in here my dear Watson
Suptnik 9
Bad boys bad boys, whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when PI ***** comes for you? Bad boys...
Neonemerld 21
No. Just no.
klovemachine 24
Yes. Just yes B-)
SakataGintoki 9
Once again; No. Just no. :)
klovemachine 24
Once again... Yes, just yes B-)
ohSNAPyall 27
Whatcha gonna do when they poo for you?
qwillis98 20
Looks more like a shitty comment *Removes shades*
shorty6823 28
If it's your job, you should find a way to relax. Kinda stinks, but a job's a job now a days. Don't really get how OP deserves it though. Not like he's intentionally ******** himself.
evilplatypus 39
I think OP's getting YDIs for their choice of profession, or because their body's response implies that they're not good at their profession.
shorty6823 28
Idk about you, but I don't shit because I'm bad at my job.
laya_fml 26
Oh no, is that not normal? I should probably get checked out.
evilplatypus 39
For anyone wondering about my comment, 9 originally asked why OP was getting "YDI," before they changed their comment.
shorty6823 28
My comment still states that Idk how OP deserves it.
evilplatypus 39
Ah, I didn't see that when I looked at it again. I don't know why my comment got thumbed down though, since I'm answering your query. I didn't say that's why I clicked YDI (in fact I clicked FYL), I'm just playing devil's advocate. People find truly stupid reasons to click YDI.
blackzi11a 7
People will put YDI just be assholes. There are tons of FMLs where people do that.
missababgaga 19
Oh goodness. Maybe invest in a personal toilet?... One that fits in your pocket, and can be taken out when you need it?.... Too far? Ok I'm done
fml121785 14
He's not Inspector Gadget. He can't just say "go go gadget toilet" and poof there's a tiny little potty for him when he's got the *****!
missababgaga 19
62- I wasn't being serious when I made the comment. I've also concluded that the form of sarcasm used in my original comment was not widely accepted by the FML community. Lesson learned.
fml121785 14
That wasn't sarcasm. Sarcastic comments have "sarcasm" written with little asterisks on both sides so everyone in FML world knows you were being sarcastic. That was just a bad comment.
challan 19
ABS is common OP. Yes, its truly shitty, but your doctor can help.
missababgaga 19
You mean IBS right? Unless this ABS stands for something in the medical field, and I just didn't know it yet?
FlyingPie 17
What do anti-lock braking systems have to do with diarrhea? Or perhaps you meant IBS (irritable bowel syndrome)?
I_iz_B_a_troll 24
ABS is just the more severe version. Agonizing Butt Symptoms.
WaywardDaughter 26
ABS...angry bowel syndrome.
ThatPlankton 15
Angry Bee Swarm
challan 19
Abnormal Bowel Secretions as I'm guessing he hadn't been diagnosed with IBS yet.
dalink 24
Full psychiatric work-up stat!!
CaptTeemo 10
Watch out, we got a badass over here.