Today, I ate something really sticky so I had to wash my hands and mouth. I saw a tea towel on the bench so I was wiped myself with that. Then I noticed it smelt really bad. I had just cleaned my face with turps. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Same thing different taste
Shared towel
Today, after I took a shower, I was wiping my face with the towel I share with my sister. It smelled peculiar, so I took my face away and looked at it. Turns out, I was wiping my face on a huge shit stain. FML
Today, I was drying myself with a towel after a shower when I noticed a bad smell. After running out of toilet paper last night, one of my friends decided to use my clean towel to wipe herself instead. FML
Code red
Today, I had to prepare for my big meeting tomorrow morning. Before going to bed, I washed my face. Unfortunately, the towel I wiped myself with turned out to house our red ant infestation. My face looks like a ripe tomato. FML
Let that sink in
Today, I was washing my hands in my workplace's bathroom and caught my reflection in the mirror. I had toothpaste smeared all over my cheek. I spent the rest of the day wondering how many people had noticed and said nothing. FML
Ring of fire
Today, I did a big shit at work and found there was no toilet paper. I had to wipe my ass with disinfectant toilet seat wipes. It burns so bad, I can almost taste it. FML
Today, I grabbed a fresh hand towel from the drawer in the bathroom. I wiped my hands and noticed they smelled like shit. My 6-year-old had wiped poo from his finger onto the dark grey towels. I guess he sometimes helps the poo out. Good to know. FML
Goo
Today, I was washing my face and I started rinsing the soap off my face with my eyes closed when I felt something gooey on my face. I opened my eyes to realize I had been rubbing snot on my face from when water got up my nose and apparently snot came down with it. FML
Experimental
Today, while showering, I pulled on my white exfoliating gloves ready to wash my face. As I was about to use them, a dark stain caught my eye so I sniffed the mark, only to discover it was poop. After further investigation, I found out my younger sister had been wearing them and "experimenting". FML
Today, I went to the toilet to do a number 2. As I went to wipe, the toilet paper slipped out of my hand and I before my brain could register, I wiped my ass with my bare hand.. I also had curry the night before, so yeah. FML
The smell detective is on the case
Today, something smelled absolutely disgusting in the bathroom. Like cow shit and stinky beetles. I started sniffing around, because whatever it was, I had to find it and clean it up. That, however, proved difficult, because it turned out that smell was coming from the new soap my mom had bought. FML
Top comments
Zebidee 9
I'll post this up here, because everyone gets a chance to read it that way (and it also answers #1's question). 'Turps' is an Australian abbreviation for turpentine, either wood turpentine, or the mineral kind that is called 'white spirit' in other places. It's the stuff you use to clean paint brushes. Although it can be used as slang for alcohol, in this context, it can only mean turpentine. It's the word you'd use 99% of the time when referring to the product. There - now no-one has to ask again, and we can all get on with our lives. Oh, and OP - WTF?! How could you not smell that a mile off?
Honesty4U 0
Here in the Southern USA we just call them dish rags and countertops.
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Comments (172)
SassiestLemon 2
What, if I may ask, is a Turpin?
ktdad07 0
You may not ask, you may use Google.
lerouxmaster 7
Yeah, WTF is a Turpin --' A turp is something else though, you dumbass. Google the shit out of it.
fadingaway 17
Turpentine -_-
SassiestLemon 2
Dude chill, it was the autocorrect, I meant to type turp. "Dumbass"
SassiestLemon 2
Anyway, thanks 10.
lerouxmaster 7
Hihi ! I luvz trollin...
lerouxmaster 7
But use Google anyway.
EmoGiana 0
19, You be trollin'???? XD I love Ray William Johnson
zinoxity 23
35 - Where does Ray William Johnston come into the picture?
zinoxity 23
Johnson* Stupid autocorrect.
JonaDona 2
Co za asy
zinoxity 23
45 - Dumb foreigner.
Zebidee 9
I'll post this up here, because everyone gets a chance to read it that way (and it also answers #1's question). 'Turps' is an Australian abbreviation for turpentine, either wood turpentine, or the mineral kind that is called 'white spirit' in other places. It's the stuff you use to clean paint brushes. Although it can be used as slang for alcohol, in this context, it can only mean turpentine. It's the word you'd use 99% of the time when referring to the product. There - now no-one has to ask again, and we can all get on with our lives. Oh, and OP - WTF?! How could you not smell that a mile off?
EmoGiana 0
Co za asy!!! I love that one. :)
MrSassypants 34
RWJ is not the only one who uses the term trolling. Also #56 your a dumbass. You don't even know why he is saying that.
zinoxity 23
62 - You're*. I do know where it's from, I was trolling and it worked, because a dumbass responded according to. Hahaha. Moron, I win. Good game, no re.
fadingaway 17
South African too.
jess2gd4u 0
you should be able to smell that when u walked into the room. bloody hell mate.
SarahStarzz 0
#57 I am glad there r people in FML who don't tell pplz "google it" cuz I hate when they do that, just answer it if u kno the question :D thanks even though I knw the meaning hehe
Zebidee 9
Oh, while we're at it, judging from the questions below... Tea towel: Dish towel or dish cloth. The thing you use to dry off dishes after you've washed them by hand. Bench: Kitchen counter. The surfaces in your kitchen where you prepare and serve food. Man, I never thought such simple terms could possibly cause such confusion. You people really need to get out more.
Shokz992 0
Whilst - being a Brit - I call "dish cloths" tea towels, i've never come across anyone refer to a kitchen surface as a bench... Just actual benches and tables for woodwork/metalwork etc.
Honesty4U 0
Here in the Southern USA we just call them dish rags and countertops.
springer937 13
140- ikr
DaveOnDope 4
To #140 My lady needed me to explain what a "warsh rag" was and after 22 years together, she still can't fry taters or eggs! Thank gawd her Okie momma moved in with us, that old sweetheart knows how to fry 'em right! (Yes radical FML'ers, I done used that word "sweetheart" again!)
attatood 8
Thanks #57, because my Google search came up with "Trans-urethral Resection of the Prostate" and I was thinking WTF??
rudysayshi 4
that's completely inspiring coming from what I'm assuming is a cute young lady ayame dear. and if your curious as to what I'm talking about its her interesting bio thing
NoFlippinWai 24
I am Michigan. (the northern pennisula) and there is completely different slag for somethings that people from the lower pennisula have no idea what we are talking about and we are just a bridge away. Most of it is insults but some aren't. like washrag, wash (used instead of laundry), file 13 or bin (trashcan), hamper (laundry), tube (television), interwebs (internet), PocketFruit (Apple products) or saying youre traveling "up" no matter where you are going ( going up to Canada, going up to Mexico or Europe.)
Lagalette 19
Wow this is so nice because i'm french and theses comments help me to understand better thank you hehe :D
green_tetris 2
:-x
tylerjs12 0
that sucks
Immersion 0
I know. turps killed all the sperm...
gunmania0 12
ouch White spirit.
EmoGiana 0
Yeah XD
ImaginaryFoe 1
How do you not smell that before actually applying it to your face?! YDI
jordanprodigy023 0
Always check before you use idiot
irokyoursox 6
oh that is quite indeedly terribleriffic
DocBastard 40
You cleaned your face with a Transurethral Resection of the Prostate? That makes no sense.
thejacl 0
lol... he's right though it does not make sense.
ktdad07 0
Ya know, I thought from my Google search that turp meant turpentine, but I should probably listen to you Doc. After all, you are a doc(tor).
BWill9014 4
Turpentine is also known as "turps" according to wiki
BelleElle_fml 5
Doc is that a real X-Ray???
DocBastard 40
Belle - it is indeed a real X-ray of a real patient of mine. It was a 12-ounce glass Coke bottle.
beccusmaximus 0
Wow! Where does one find Coke in glass bottles anymore?!
kaceemae 7
we actually had a pt with the same issue a year or so ago.
Zebidee 9
#47 - of all the possible FAQs Doc's picture brings up, I never would have guessed someone would have asked that one!
OCDC 9
Is it even possible to insert a Coke bottle that far up your ass? Shouldn't it have punctured something by now? Unless of course you're trying out a new type of urinary catheter...
DocBastard 40
OCDC - it is quite possible, as you can clearly see by the picture. The butt of the bottle (no pun intended) was lodged over his sacrum, so I had to take him to the OR and put him under anesthesia to relax his rectum and anus enough to get it out. Sometimes people insert things so far that we have to actually go into the abdomen and make an incision in the colon. Fortunately, that's rare.
OCDC 9
That must have been embarrassing for him. What exactly was he doing with a bottle shoved up his rectum? Besides the obvious, of course
BelleElle_fml 5
Wow... Was he really calm about the whole thing? Cause my cousin helped out at an ER in her town's hospital and said people would come in and say they swallowed huge nails and stuck pins in their ears like it was completely out of the ordinary.
DocBastard 40
OCDC - his exact words were, "Doc, I'm not gay, but my wife is out of town with the kids, and I did a stupid thing."
Zebidee 9
He said he wasn't gay, but he clearly forgot to say "no ****", otherwise it would have been OK, and you guys could have laughed about it over a couple of brewskis.
1989mustang50 0
wow how do you go from talking about turps to talking about putting a glass bottle of coke in your ass then going to get an x-ray of it??? that makes absolutely zero sense
OCDC 9
I wish I could see the look on his wife's face when she finds out :) Do you get a lot of patients like him, who couldn't wait for their significant other to get home and then ended up getting something surgically removed?
erongetti 2
HAHAHAHAHAHaHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... this is the funniest trail ever!!! Doc, your patient is hilarious! I wonder if he knows you've immortalized him on fml.
chogle 8
115, it makes perfect sense.. Someone saw his profile picture and asked a question about it. There, mystery solved.
doglady 16
from one doc to another: LMAO, seen such things before, not for a while though. The same thought wen thru my head as I read that fml, "what does a TURP [procedure] have to do with this?"
Ranger16266 0
Turps is Aussie slang for alcoholic beverages.
jess2gd4u 0
not always u dope. it's clear in this instance thats it's the product turpentine.
Babblez 0
I can't recall having ever referred to one of my beverages as "turps". Although, I suppose I've called certain vodka home brews paint thinners, same thing. But never turps, and never as an everyday description of a cruiser or a beam or something. Where do people get these ideas from??
jess2gd4u 0
it's older slang. "we gettin on the turps tonight" is how u might use it. my dad often uses the term. lol bloody soak!
Babblez 0
I have heard it used in like movies that poorly depict the Australian lifestyle...but pretty much only ever in the outback or whatever >.> never really in towns and cities.
itman3456 0
o ok thank u lolz
jmac317 0
thx 4 that image :D
holycow2 0
your picture is really ugly
Kirashai 9
You're one to talk.
mizzzgm1 0
Turps = Turpentine?