Today, feeling desperate, I asked my dad for advice on how to get a girl. He asked me why I want to even date. I panicked and said I just wanted to make someone happy. He told me that if I wanted to make someone happy, I should "just start by getting a goddamn vasectomy". FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I went to my father for advice. I've been seeing a wonderful girl for the past month, and I feel terrible about it, because I already have a girlfriend. He said "Kill yourself" and that if I "can't even do that right" then to get out of his house, because he disowns me. FML
Today, thanks to an idiotic, "hilariously edgy" advert that screened in the very early evening, my 6-year-old son keeps repeating the phrase "I want a vasectomy" to everyone he sees. I've never received so many dirty looks in my life. FML
Today, I went to a Father's Day lunch with my dad and his fiancée. He suddenly began to describe, in detail, the vasectomy he'd just had, and that I shouldn't be expecting any new siblings any time soon. Thanks for the mental image, Dad. FML
Today, my dad told me that after my two older siblings were born, he got a vasectomy. However, something went wrong, and the vasectomy had failed, resulting in me. FML
Today, I asked my girlfriend's dad for permission to take her hand in marriage. He said no, because he doesn't want her marrying a "sexist idiot who treats her like property", which he thinks asking permission amounts to, then told me to grow up. FML
Today, I asked my dad for advice. I recently got drunk and had a one-night stand. I feel terrible, because I'm engaged to a wonderful lady. My dad just said, "You did the right thing, son, keep it up. She's gonna steal half ya shit in the divorce anyway". FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend if he might want kids one day, and he most definitely does not. In fact, he even thanked me for reminding him we need to stock up on condoms when we go shopping, plus he’s even considering a vasectomy just to make sure. I’m already pregnant. FML
Today, my girlfriend's father sent me a text message that simply stated "You ruined my relationship with my daughter." I wanted to ask him for his blessing to marry his daughter. FML
Today, my baby-crazy mother expressed her concerns that I haven't conceived after a whole two months of marriage. Her advice amounted to "get divorced while you're still hot, sleep around until you get pregnant, then marry the winner." When I complained to my father, he supported her. FML
Today, I was going on my first date. I was planning my outfit with my mom when my dad offered his advice. “That boy won’t care what outfit you’re wearing, just make sure you wear sexy underwear and carry a condom, guaranteed first date success. That’s how me and your mom got married, you know?” FML
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Top comments
FMLouis 6
That was a bit harsh
BruisedGiraffe 15
Ask if he can find you a coupon
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Comments (65)
homiechas24 3
Do not that's just giving away your man parts when there still there
Annis_x3 7
What?
Michael_92 20
Wow ever heard of punctuation? It could really be used in your comment.
cmoore366 0
24, you're retarded. I understood him perfectly, just because someone misspells a word that a lot of people don't understand the correct spelling on (There, Their, They're) You're going to bully him
dominic1221 6
Wait, why did you panic? Is it cause you really just want to stick your dick in some poor girl's vag or what? If it is, then take the vasectomy, you nympho horndog.
ImTheAlpha 30
Nymphomania is only for females. The male version has sømething to dø with satyrs.
dominic1221 6
M'kay. I stand humiliated, Ms ø-guy.
Il_Maestro 6
Better a nympho horndog than a nympho hound dog
perdix 31
Frankly, your dad is an idiot. Your fertility, or lack thereof, is not a big factor in getting laid for the first time. Condoms are just as effective. Celibacy can be a nice lifestyle. It seems noble if you profess to choose it, but if it's forced on you, you appear to be a loser.
GoW_Chick 15
Let's try to find the silver lining here.... You could always use the damaged guy approach with your, less than helpful, dad as the reasoning, could get you laid or maybe even a girlfriend.
Michael_92 20
I have great advice!!! Don't ask your dad for advice. Don't worry I won't charge you this time.
Trisha_aus 15
And that came out of your dad's mouth? Jesus Way to give good advice pops
OffToTheGayBar 9
I smell a sequel to 'Shit My Dad Says'.
Steve95401 49
This sounds like something from "Shit My Dad Says".
SliceOfCake 9
Are you and 28 long lost twins?
Trisha_aus 15
Mhmmm I like cake
mtrrace 4
Dick.
MilkShakez 0
I totally read "Goddamn Vasectomy" in a Zaeed Massani voice.