Today, breastfeeding my infant has become so automatic that when my dog nuzzled up against me while I was sleeping, I lifted up my shirt and unhooked my nursing bra. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I was so tired when I got home from work, I took off my bra without removing my shirt which I've done so often it is second nature. I successfully removed the bra, then snagged the clasp on a loose shirt thread, causing my bra to take on a life of its own and slap me in the face. FML
Today, I stabbed myself in the nipple with scissors trying to cut an opening in the supposedly hands-free pumping bra I just bought. I breastfeed my 5-day-old. FML
Today, I woke up at 4 a.m., my back sore from being twisted like a pretzel due to my toddler. I successfully moved him, then my sick baby woke up, tried to nurse, screamed because he couldn’t breathe through his nose, screamed because I suctioned his nose, tried to nurse a blanket, then screamed when I offered him an actual boob. FML
Today, it was my brother's wedding so my mother-in-law was taking care of my 8-month-old son. When I came back to our room to check how things were going, I saw her "breastfeeding" my child. She said it was the only way to calm him down because he didn't have a pacifier. FML
Today, as I bent over to pick up my baby, a wasp flew into my bra. I jumped up in a panic, flattening the wasp between my boob and my bra, where it stung me on the nipple, which is now swollen, a funny colour, and throbbing. Did I mention the nipple was already irritated from breastfeeding? FML
Today, I leaned down to pick up my infant son from his highchair. He reached up and grabbed the first thing available to him: my nipple. I got purple-nurpled by my baby. FML
Today, I woke up to the sound of my newborn screaming. I frantically hopped out of bed and stumbled into the nursery where I was met by the priceless sight of my five-year-old daughter attempting to breastfeed her understandably frustrated little brother. FML
Today, my baby son latched onto my nipple for a feed, after a month of having to be bottle fed because he wouldn't latch. This would be fantastic, if it weren't for the fact that I'm his father, not his mother. FML
Today, while breast feeding my 7 month-old before his nap, I hummed his favorite song as I rocked. He pulled away, stared at me, and cried til I shut up. FML
Today, I was cuddling with my boyfriend, he had his head on my chest and we both fell asleep. Suddenly, I woke up by my boyfriend biting my nipple, hard, in his sleep. I now need to go to the pharmacy because of a bleeding nipple. FML
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Top comments
Akitakat 31
... “and what am I supposed to do with that, my human?”
RichardPencil 32
Long overdue payback for Romulus and Remus?
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Comments (7)
Akitakat 31
... “and what am I supposed to do with that, my human?”
Akitakat 31
“Um, thanks!... but No thanks!”
RichardPencil 32
Long overdue payback for Romulus and Remus?
draghkar 18
I actually lol’d at that.
OopsMonkey 7
Things like that happen. Many years ago, a friend I'd known for a couple of years and thought was a cool enough guy was leaving the country. There was a going-away party and everyone got fairly drunk and high and when I was leaving the party, we went in for a hug. I had honestly not hugged anyone but my husband in a decade, and my body went automatic. Nothing RAUNCHY but he got a full-body, intimate hug, pelvis and all, with a tight squeeze and five-second hold, which luckily he took as a sign of great friendship and decided I'm just a very loving person. Whew. He did say "WOW".