Today, a man with a clipboard came up to me in the street to ask me if I was happy with my life insurance. I couldn't bring myself to admit to him that I'm so clueless about my own life that I wasn't sure I was even happy with the Twix I was eating at the time. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I have now reached the point in the financial landslide of my life that the only thing of value I have managed to hold on to is my life insurance policy, which I just manage to pay for every month. It says something that I am now actually worth more dead than alive. FML
Today, I was having a chat with a customer. He asked if I was married, to which I replied, "No." Before I could say anything else, he said, "Thought so. You look too happy to be married." I was about to mention that I just got engaged. FML
Today, I went up and spoke to someone at my local grocery store because I thought he was my neighbor. We chatted for nearly two minutes before he politely said, "I'm sorry, I have absolutely no idea who you are." I still had to finish shopping in the same aisle. FML
Today, I went to a grocery store after work, exhausted. I nodded politely at a woman who smiled at me repeatedly. I realized at checkout she thought I was someone she knew. I nodded through a full conversation without knowing who I was pretending to be. FML
Today, I work in a call centre for telecommunications and someone called in to ask about a payment on their account. I meant to ask them if they had checked their online banking statement, but instead I asked them if they had checked their online dating profile. FML
Today, while working as a bank teller, a woman came in with a $100k check. I commented, "Wow, I really could do with one of these!" She responded, "It's a life insurance check. I'd rather have my son back," and teared up in front of me. FML
Today, at a mind-numbingly boring support session, everyone was talking about their hardships. One guy was talking about losing his leg in a car accident. I was half-asleep and asked without thinking, "Did you ever find it?" I almost shat my pants at the roomful of death glares that followed. FML
Today, while in a hospital waiting room, a man started talking to me. After a few minutes, he asked me what I did for a living, and I said I'm a stay-at-home mom. He looked me up and down and said, "Huh. No life ambitions, huh?" FML
Today, I learned the horrifying implications of my memory not being what it used to be when I bought a tasty-looking chocolate bar, only to realize upon taking a bite that I'd bought one before and not liked it one bit. FML
Today, I asked a customer three times before he saw the doctor if he had any medical insurance and he replied "No" each time. Paying his bill out of pocket, this dude had the nerve to ask, "So why didn't my medical insurance cover this?" He had coverage. FML
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Top comments
CheckItOutItsYou 7
I guess you couldn't chew it over with twix
kyat288 9
I was asked that once and I said, 'what does it matter? I'm already dead.' It was soo funny cause everyone played along acting like I was a ghost and that he was the only one who could see me... He screamed!
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Comments (32)
CheckItOutItsYou 7
I guess you couldn't chew it over with twix
beccaishereyay 11
She was probably not herself because she was hungry and needed a snickers.
imcarissa 4
Nailed it
drewcat21 0
Or she needed a break.. With a kit Kat bar!
RpiesSPIES 27
37 It's a guy
Purplefluff 6
But what would they do for a Klondike bar?
Zya_fml 8
Cheer up. I know people hate this saying but... You only live once.
kittytub 12
if you know people hate it, why do you say it?
Bekeliyr 10
He's purposely trying to get flames for pointing out contradiction.
Zya_fml 8
Because it's obvious, true, and relevant to the FML.
ifknh8usernames 7
Let me guess.. As long as she has swag she should be happy, right?
Zya_fml 8
It's a she and I never said that.
tswizz 13
2 - kill yourself.
axelpinap 2
In this case, you used the saying correctly.
agonydrum 7
What about the zombie apocalypse?! She could live more than once...just saying
BeforeItWasCool 12
Eh if you know people hate it you could've reworded it a little so it wasn't the ever-hated YOLO. Maybe said "you only have one life" Yohlo doesn't quite word.
ambear26 14
Oh Jesus. Thumbs down for using YOLO. But hey you only love Oreos . Right? No. Well I do.
HeyArnold91 8
Chew it over with a Twix
shadowsorel 15
And might as well have a Kit Kat bar while you're at it. Don't forget to break me a piece...
HeyArnold91 8
Dammit Number 1 saw my comment and edited his to say the same.
CheckItOutItsYou 7
Lol, not true. That was the first thing I thought of but wasn't sure about using it. But I said screw it ill use it so I quickly changed it. And our comments have different meanings anyways.
Bekeliyr 10
If Twix won't solve it. I don't know what will. Your life sucks!
IworkAt711 14
Bacon maybe?......
Zya_fml 8
Don't give him ideas. I don't want pigs to go extinct too quickly. :(
IworkAt711 14
Oh yeah.....I forgot about that. :(
ToBeAnnounced 2
You must be an EXTREMELY clueless person to not instantly be happy that you have a Twix. Weirdo.
omfgshiz 7
but, but...it's Twix!
kyat288 9
I was asked that once and I said, 'what does it matter? I'm already dead.' It was soo funny cause everyone played along acting like I was a ghost and that he was the only one who could see me... He screamed!
htownpostman 16
If you are a ghost and he was the was the only one who could see you, how could your friends play along?
0RedPenguin0 8
29 - you are an idiot
sharksfan48 13
Enjoy life while it lasts op, live everyday as if it's your last
WrongRomance 11
What the? Figure yourself out for Pete's sake! You don't even know if you like the candy you have been eating? Unless you have amnesia, you are one seriously distracted soul.
blueandpurpleroc 4
You had a twix. come on. PAUSE YO LIFE