Today, I came back home from a holiday with family. Finally being on my own, I did some catching up on my masturbation. I have jerked off so much and/or so vigorously, I now have a carpet burn on my penis. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I jacked off in the shower using soap with scrubbing beads in it. My penis is so chaffed, it hurts to put on pants. FML
Today, I'm too sunburned to masturbate. Now I have nothing to do. FML
Today, I woke up with a carpet burn. From sleeping. Alone. In my bed. FML
Today, I masturbated so hard I got a cramp in my forearm muscle so unexpectedly that my hand spasmed, slipped off my penis, and I punched myself in the face. FML
Today, since splitting up with my girlfriend, I’ve watched so much porn I think I’ve given myself a friction burn on my clit, so now not only does it hurt to even walk normally, it’s way too painful to masturbate, so I’m now horny all the frigging time. FML
Today, I grabbed some lotion to have a good old wank. However, I'd got it a bit wrong in my rush to spurt my man-mush into an old gym sock, and had picked up some concentrated bronzer. I now have neon-orange hands and genitals. FML
Today, after being apart for a few weeks, my girlfriend made love to me so hard I got bruises on my penis and it hurts to pee out of it. FML
Today, after a 14-mile bike tour in Chicago, I got rug burn on my inner thighs. Having the hostel room all by myself for the last couple of days, I got naked and let the air conditioner cool me off. I then had to explain to my roommate that walked in on me that I seriously was not jerking off. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I went to the beach. I though he was being really sweet by putting sunscreen on my back as I layed on my stomach. I got home later, and felt that my back was sore. Then I saw the giant penis on my back that been burnt in. FML
Today, I got home from my vacation. The last few days of my trip, I stayed at my father's house. I was having trouble sleeping last night so I decided to use a little "discreet" vibrator that I travel with. When I unpacked back home, I realized I'd forgotten the vibrator in my bed at my father's house. I'm mortified. FML
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Top comments
Crowned Sataness 12
you know there's no mandatory quota right? calm the **** down geesh
RichardPencil 32
And your family walks on that carpet? Yuck. Lotion? Heard of it?
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Comments (9)
cuz803 46
C'mon dude...try talking to a lady
poopface82 25
Are you masturbating with a power sander? Sheesh. Go easy on it.
RichardPencil 32
And your family walks on that carpet? Yuck. Lotion? Heard of it?
RichardPencil 32
That would be sad. Someone needs to show that guy that the Internet is full of free ****.
Crowned Sataness 12
you know there's no mandatory quota right? calm the **** down geesh
lilozmirand 12
Gave himself the Rusty Venture
DevoutOccamist 12
so don't use carpet
lexxiasaurus 31
your dick won't fall off if you forget to play with it, you know?
lexxiasaurus 31
it is time for you to give up Jill and meet a real woman or man. before all you can do is make yourself ****** and find partners inferior or annoying when trying to please you