Today, I came home from work when I heard people in my apartment. My apartment was supposed to be empty, so I entered ready to fight some thieves. I rushed in and hit the closest person to me before the lights switched on. It was a surprise party. I broke my girlfriend's cheek-bone. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, it's my birthday. I was heading back to my apartment and I heard noises behind the front door. Assuming it was the surprise party I'd hinted at, I flicked on the lights… as two heavy guys pushed past me. I was robbed. FML
Today, as I returned home, I noticed some movement inside my house. Thinking it was a break-in, I called 911. It was my friends and some coworkers trying to throw me a surprise birthday party. Nobody's said a word to me since. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I got into a heated argument at a house party. To avoid a huge scene, I pulled her into another room, during which I managed to trip over my feet and faceplant the floor. She shouted, "Hah! That's what you get!" Now everyone thinks she beat the shit out of me. FML
Today, I was at my girlfriend's house, and she was tickling me. It got a bit rough, and she fell out of bed and hit the floor. Her parents, thinking we'd been fighting, burst into the room to see her holding her bloody nose. She didn't say anything while her dad kicked my ass. FML
Today, my girlfriend's ex punched me so hard in the face, I couldn't see straight. But I got up anyway. I lunged at him, and nailed him in the jaw. Turns out I'd in fact just knocked out my girlfriend the on-looker. FML
Today, my roommate came home and instantly began raging, cursing, and threatening to kill me. While I was cowering in my bedroom, the police had to settle the situation. All I'd done was rearrange some furniture. FML
Today, I snuck into my boyfriend's house because I knew his parents wouldn't be there. Later, I woke up in a hospital bed because his sister thought I was a burglar and tased me. FML
Today, I caught my girlfriend cheating, so she smashed me in the head with her handbag so hard my eyeball is red from a burst blood vessel. I followed her home, where she tried to pretend she knew nothing, it wasn’t her I'd seen, she’d been home all day. I had to get the cops to drag her out my house. FML
Today, I was trying to sneak home from a party. Instead, I head-butted a glass door and woke my mother up. FML
Today, I went to work things out with my girlfriend, with whom I'd had a huge fight with. She told me the night before to come over at noon and that she would be awake. I unlocked the door to see that the place was a mess. She'd thrown a party and was still passed out naked next to her boss. FML
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Top comments
honda1 0
That will teach her for throwing a suprise party. LOL
Audio828 2
Well I guess it was the sensible thing to do.
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Comments (244)
NoNaMe5 0
That is ******* HILARIOUS!!!!!!!
MadeInCanada 0
Lol @ #3.
hillary4prez2016 0
Wow. Fail much???
KoreanGuy 0
thats what i would do
FMLwrestler 0
#108: yeah, i know... i just got back from practice when i wrote it, and i was really tired as hell and the FML bugged me so i wanted to. and i get my fair share, but damn if you get pussy every night what the hell are you doing on here at all???? hahaha
familyguyfan 0
If you heard noise on your birthday, wouldn't you know it's a party?
tko 0
#125-- haha this site rocks, these stories are hilarious
lilyungmatt 0
You are ****** stupid. Did you forget it was your birthday, cuz who would ever suspect a surprise party right? you could obviously see your girlfriends face to hit it, so how could you not realize, hey, maybe it's not a burglar and maybe I'll Say something out loud. Lastly don't u yell surprise when someone enters? DUMBASS
lalalala1234 0
that's why i don't think surprise parties should be held in the person's home: they work best set up in a friend's home, and then that friend finds an excuse to invite the person over... i'm always afraid something like this will happen.
26242 0
"...so I entered ready to fight some thieves." There's just so much wrong with that..