Today, at work, I had to utter the phrase, "Sir, please stop rubbing yourself with the peas." It's exactly how it sounds. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, at work, I had to use the bathroom to urinate. It's basically in an open plan office, so everyone can hear absolutely everything. After successfully and discreetly doing my business, I noticed a bit of dirt on the wall. I gave it a rub with my thumb on the smooth tile. It sounded exactly like a loud fart. FML
Today, while at work, a customer came up to me, stuck his finger in my armpit, then licked his finger. FML
Today, my thigh was itchy, so I went into a bathroom stall to scratch it. I, for some reason, moaned out loud while doing it. After that, the men's bathroom went completely silent. FML
Today, during a conversation, my boss said, "What, what?" Before I could stop myself, I replied, "In the butt." FML
Today, a guy at work told me to, "Relax, dude", All. Day. Long. FML
Today, I used the phrase "bitch please" in real life. It was funny until the "bitch" bitch-slapped me in the face. FML
Today, I was kneeling down at work to do some cleaning. My co-worker said, "Oh don't your knees hurt, kneeling like that for so long?" Without thinking how it sounded, I said, "Oh no, it's not a problem. I'm on my knees all the time." He's yet to stop hitting on me. FML
Today, I sharted in work this morning. It was rather unpleasant and everyone around me knew what had happened. The embarrassment was stifling. FML
Today, at work my boss called me into his office because he had received multiple complaints from coworkers about a prank sound machine I have been using to make inappropriate fart sounds at my desk. I wish it was a fart machine; I have a condition. FML
Today, while at work, I let out a nasty wet fart, thinking no one would hear me since I work in a warehouse. My coworker did hear me, and replied, "WTF? Shots fired! Shots fired!" FML
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Top comments
DocBastard 40
I hope you work at a grocery store. Otherwise this FML goes from kinky to truly bizarre.
ballettillidie 8
Please use the lotion instead.
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Comments (78)
NiZZALooNY 9
how did she deserve it..
Jabray 10
Didn't need that mental image.
flying_turtle_14 7
That takes playing with your food to a whole new level.
XSabinX 3
Aww, c'mon. Give peas a chance!!!
DWynter 11
I'm just trying to figure out why you'd say that - unless some one was rubbing peas on them self? Like #4 says, I hope you work at a grocery store.
NOACCEPTANCE772 21
Happened here in Nottingham? Where not shit happens? Hard to believe...
jimmywithsalt 19
Haha I love how this is worded, OP! :)
maggiewalters 17
Were they in a pack, frozen? Otherwise i cant see how this would work...
Bludmagnus 13
OMG... I really don't want to know more details.. and that is the first time I have ever said that to an FML that is so short....
BlackFire4890 16
ROTFLMFAO