Today, without really meaning to, I’ve become the angry old widower who lives alone, and whose neighbours don’t talk to him and their kids are scared of. I can’t be sure, but I think the kids even invented a legend about me being the old man monster of the neighbourhood. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my son has decided he doesn’t want children, or pets, or friends, or a girlfriend, or to visit his living relatives, except for me. I’m scared that once I’m dead he’ll disappear into his house and never come out until the neighbours notice the smell after he’s dead. FML
Today, I'm stuck between my absolute resolve to never have children, due to how abhorrent I find the idea of having to raise them to adulthood, and my fear that if I don’t have any, I’ll end up old and alone, probably die alone, and the body won’t be discovered until a neighbour notices the smell. FML
Today, I lost yet another girlfriend because of my kids’ behavior. The last one told me, “I’d rather get fisted by Freddy Krueger than deal with those hellspawn of yours!” At this point, I’m going to be a single dad forever. FML
Today, my new neighbor informed me with great relish that the house I have just bought is haunted because 30 years ago a man shot himself in the kitchen. I'm now paying a huge mortgage on a house I'm frightened to be alone in. FML
Today, my son has always been antisocial but ever since he bought his first house he has seemingly disappeared behind its walls, never lets anybody visit, and has broken off contact with everybody he knows. Were it not for his coworkers telling me he’s at work everyday, I’d think he was dead. FML
Today, I found out why people in my new neighborhood keep giving me weird looks. For a laugh, my brother had gone around telling them I'm a parolee, and implying that I couldn't be trusted around their children. FML
Today, my new neighbors moved in. I was assured that it would be a family with two teenagers. The young children playing in the front yard suggested otherwise. This wouldn’t be so bad if I wasn’t autistic, and sensitive to the sounds of screaming kids. FML
Today, because of my wife’s inability to keep her nasty opinions to herself, the last of our children told us via text that they won’t be visiting anymore, or letting us see our grandchildren. So now it’s just me and her, financially trapped in this marriage until one of us dies of old age. FML
Today, my neighbor yelled “Fuck you!” at me through his window. My crime? Closing my front door “too loud.” This man lets his children beat on the walls and slam doors but apparently I’m the problem. FML
Today, I realized I am the neighborhood pariah. I have a vaca house on a lake, and every year the neighborhood holds a Friendsgiving Party. I wasn't invited. I only found out it that it happened when I saw the Facebook photos. I have no idea why I was excluded. I must be the world's biggest a-hole. FML
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Top comments
RichardPencil 32
Just survey your yard in your undershirt and your boxers while carrying a shotgun. Give 'em something to talk about. (And you won't get hassled at Halloween.)
ninjacat 10
You’re pretty much the male me so my advice is to just own it. I’m a young-ish widow living alone in a decently large house with my two cats. I dye my hair every color of the rainbow and never talk to the neighbors. I’m sure they have their assumptions and I’m all for being the neighborhood “witch” or whatnot. It’s actually a bit fun.
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Comments (3)
RichardPencil 32
Just survey your yard in your undershirt and your boxers while carrying a shotgun. Give 'em something to talk about. (And you won't get hassled at Halloween.)
ninjacat 10
You’re pretty much the male me so my advice is to just own it. I’m a young-ish widow living alone in a decently large house with my two cats. I dye my hair every color of the rainbow and never talk to the neighbors. I’m sure they have their assumptions and I’m all for being the neighborhood “witch” or whatnot. It’s actually a bit fun.