Same!

Today, I woke up to the faint memory of being drunk enough to draw dicks on my own face in permanent marker. FML

Getting on a bit

Today, I’m at that glorious age where I have to pull apart my wrinkles to get at the zits hiding inside. FML

Hassle free

Today, every time I think of having any children, I remember that an idiotic neighbor let her kids paint all over my car with permanent marker, so I eventually forget about it. FML

Memento

Today, at the age of 24, the only way I can remember anything at all is if I repeat it over and over again like a mantra. FML

Where am I?

Today, same as always, I still have to take a moment to distinguish between right and left. I’m 21. FML

Freeze peach

Today, my kids decided to draw on the walls with permanent marker, and now my house looks like a modern art exhibit. FML

Today, I woke up to see my four year-old brother with a sharpie, trying to play “Connect the Dots” with my acne. FML

Oh gosh

Today, I noticed a strange mark on the inside of my mouthwash bottle. As I was bending down to investigate, my hands tightened around the bottle and mouthwash squirted in my eye. It still burns. FML

Piss poor performance

Today, at the age of 22, if I need to pee, I have less than a minute to get to a toilet before I pee myself. It’s been like that since I was a kid and my family won’t stop making fun of me for not growing out of it. FML

Fear Factor

Today, at 28 years-old, I broke the first ever bone in my body. I broke a metacarpal in my hand by going down an inflatable waterside at a children's birthday party. FML