Today, you could think I was hosting a festival. Main event: Aunt Flow & The Zits. Preceded by: Mopey & the Munchies. After Party with: The Bloats and The Farts. Whoever hasn’t left by then will have to see The Bloody Underpants. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, it's day four of liquid ass and violent hurling after I hosted a birthday party for my daughter, and one of the kids brought a stomach virus rather than a present. Yesterday my daughter started with the violent vomiting too. Everything smells like vomit in my home. Yay me! FML
Today, I was hosting a small party for my nephews and a couple neighborhood kids. I unexpectedly started my period while I was serving the snacks. Have you ever been pointed and laughed at by a bunch of 12 year-olds? Ah, just like the good old days… FML
Today, I was hit by acute food poisoning while attending a colleague's birthday party at his home. The toilet had a door that wouldn't close all the way, there were only three sheets of toilet paper left, and I had to walk home through town, in a dress, with my soiled underwear in a plastic bag. FML
Today, I had an upset stomach all day at work. When lunch break came, I rushed to the bathroom. Just as I turned into an unstoppable human whoopie cushion, a co-worker walked in. He heard the entire arse symphony, and just asked, "What the fuck, dude?!" as he left. FML
Today, I went to a new bar with friends. After arriving I became extremely gassy, so I planned a smooth release during the loud music. Little did I know, the bar occasionally dips its music to hear the guests singing. When the music turned off, all eyes turned to me. FML
Today, I was at a music festival when a group of idiots decided to push over a port-a-loo (portable toilet). I rushed over and tried to hold it up to save the person inside from a very messy and embarrasing scene. Not only did the door open, covering me in excrement, but there was no-one inside. FML
Today, I had some pretty bad stomach pain, so I went to the bathroom. After a few minutes, two girls walked in, taking stalls next to me. That's when my farts began to get very large and explosive. Not only did they break into laughter, they waited for me to come out. FML
Today, I went clubbing. A girl I was dancing with leaned in with a disgusted expression and said, "God, it stinks! Someone keeps farting… I swear they've got IBS." It was me. I have IBS. I was farting. FML
Today, I farted at a crowded concert, and people started commenting on said fart. I specifically went out of my way to eat certain foods all day so that it wouldn't happen. FML
Today, I was at a pool party with my friends. I really had to pass gas so I moved a bit from the group and let it rip. Instead of bubbles surfacing a brown cloud of poo rose instead. FML
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Top comments
Marcella1016 32
Were you not bothered by the one about the guy who refused to shower during quarantine and his girlfriend can’t even eat in the same room as him because he smells like “a locker room filled with ballsacks that had an orgy with gym socks”? Or the one with the husband who ate the bad seafood and was ******** and vomiting for hours in the bathroom in the couple’s small living space, attached to their bedroom, and the wife couldn’t get away from the smell? Or a bunch of other shit posted by/about guys I haven’t looked up, but those are just from the last few days. If you’re going to bitch about gross women, bitch about gross guys too always talking about their ***** and farts and dick juice and whatever. A lot of that shit grosses me out too, but I don’t generalize it and blame it on an entire gender or group of people.
RichardPencil 32
Hey, FML isn't a dating site! Are you trying to get the fellas all hot and bothered with your bawdy talk?
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Comments (7)
taylomv0019 5
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Why are women so disgusting? What makes you think anyone wants to hear about your period?
Marcella1016 32
Were you not bothered by the one about the guy who refused to shower during quarantine and his girlfriend can’t even eat in the same room as him because he smells like “a locker room filled with ballsacks that had an orgy with gym socks”? Or the one with the husband who ate the bad seafood and was ******** and vomiting for hours in the bathroom in the couple’s small living space, attached to their bedroom, and the wife couldn’t get away from the smell? Or a bunch of other shit posted by/about guys I haven’t looked up, but those are just from the last few days. If you’re going to bitch about gross women, bitch about gross guys too always talking about their ***** and farts and dick juice and whatever. A lot of that shit grosses me out too, but I don’t generalize it and blame it on an entire gender or group of people.
Alan Staff 59
taylomv0019, you should know that FML is for people over the age of 13 only.
RichardPencil 32
Hey, FML isn't a dating site! Are you trying to get the fellas all hot and bothered with your bawdy talk?
John Nemeth 14
This sounds like a Rick and Morty episode. Where the hell are the pirates?
BurnInDemonFire 39
Coachella really had to scrape the bottom of the barrel for their virtual festival this year. ******* virus bullshit...
JasonThorn 23
"Ya know I'm gonna cry cry...yeah, it's a party in the TMI..."
spinspinsugar 12
I'm just finishing mine up. good luck OP!
Yolanda Patrice Evans 17
Bloody hilarious 😂 And for everyone that thinks women talking about periods is tmi.... grow up, it’s a part of life.