Today, I underwent surgery and feeling rather groggy upon being awoken, I very loudly declared, "I've always had a thing for doctors. Kiss me?" then promptly giggled, tried to launch myself in a random doctor's arms and fell flat on my face. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I was clipping my abnormally thick toenails. I had to apply so much pressure on the clippers that a nail flew off, hit me in the eyeball and scratched my cornea. The doctor nearly fell off his chair laughing during my eye exam after I told him what happened. FML
Today, I slammed the car door on my head while I was getting in the car. If that wasn't bad enough, my boyfriend is convinced I now have a concussion and insists on waking me up every hour to make sure I'm still alive. FML
Today, I tried to wash my cat in the shower, conveniently naked myself. He disapproved, scratching my man-parts and nicking a vein. I just got back from the hospital with an infection, swollen nuts, and a hole in my butt for which I had to get a shot of antibiotics. FML
Today, I had to wait in a hospital room because I cut myself with a knife while trying to open a box of soda. After three stitches, I went home only to notice the box has an easy-open tab. FML
Today, I accidentally punched myself in the face while trying to take my bra off. FML
Today, I woke up in the middle of the night and felt deep breathing on my neck. I screamed, fell off the bed and busted my nose. It was just my cat. FML
Today, my husband recorded me getting out of bed and sleepwalking all the way into the backyard and straight into our pool. He was too busy giggling like a schoolgirl to help me out. FML
Today, after coming home from surgery, I discovered that the heating in my entire building had failed. I called my mom asking if I could come and stay with her for a few days. She told me to "think warm thoughts." FML
Today, my friends and I went out drinking, and luckily enough, the guy I have had a crush on for four years now was there. I tried to get drunk so that I can make a move and blame it on the alcohol. I went in to whisper my confession in his ear... only to puke on him. FML
Today, I accidentally ran my thumb down the cheese grater while preparing lunch beside my wife. I instantly jerked my hand away from the grater just in time run my forearm across the knife she was using. I now have 20 stitches and 5 staples in my arm, no lunch, and a puking wife. FML
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Top comments
Omfgitsmia 15
Well to be fair, you were pretty doped up. I'm sure they've seen worst.
dewberry2001 25
I told my nurse she was the "nicest goddamned nurse in all of history."
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Comments (50)
lexiieeex3 32
Well it could have been your doctor rather than a random one, which might have made things a bit awkward at that follow-up appointment so in theory, it could have been worse OP
ProfessorMctitie 20
Well there goes your chance of kissing a doctor
dswomi 12
Plot twist: OP falls in love with, and marries, the aforementioned doctor
WhatHappenedToIt 22
I woke up and had sever chills and then threw up on someone's feet with no control over it. I had my wisdom teeth removed so they had to give me a bit more gas to make sure the holes were rinsed out. I had all 4 out at once. But I ha said when I first saw the nurse that I felt like throwing up and she said good to know lol
Zmanzem4 17
The last time I woke up from surgery, I thought the air they were giving me was poison so I started punching the doctor and nurses.
nonsensical 26
I lolled imagining the scenario
TenebrionHZ 5
I remember I felt okay when I laid on my back but as soon as I got up on my ass in bed, I mini wiped out and fell back on my bed. I kept doing this over and over while I was saying "No, I feel fine." to my crying mother who thought I was retarded after the surgery.
countryb_cth 38
Your mom actually cried from that? Does she not know that drugs affect people after surgery? I'm not being rude I'm genuinely asking, I've never heard of a mom crying after their kid was loopy after surgery.
Brandi_Faith 34
I hope she was crying from laughter.
TenebrionHZ 5
She is the emotional type. We're laughing about it now tho'. Nothing to worry about!
QQmore_fml 18
Typical day as a doctor, I suspect.
rohaanncool 15
hope someone would say that for Engineers too.
Mmmsushi 14
I fought with my nurse that I had my pants on because my foot was through the very bottom of the pantleg and was very frustrated when she told me she needed to pull up my pants for them to actually be useful. They've seen the worst, I'm sure they're used to it. It's okay OP :)
lovelockdown23 23
I was extremely doped up after an emergency c section with my son and whenever they'd bring him to me so I could see him I would say "take him back I want brown rice on my Chipotle burrito not white." needless to say it took two full days for me to actually see him for the first time.
ImAFaker 29
That might be one of the funniest things I have ever read ^
8313girl 28
Aww poor white rice. That is hilarious!
WOTAN1488 24
*WASTED* FYL