Today, I went on the road for work for the first time in a very long time. I was enjoying lunch with coworkers when my phone got bombarded with calls and texts. Turns out my wife and my mother had gotten into a fight within two hours of me being away. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, after my wife and mother in law criticized me for being glued to my phone, I set out to prove them wrong by being away from it. When I finally opened it, my family was upset because my grandma died and they had been trying to reach me for several hours. FML
Today, my wife came back from a three-day moms' retreat, and was mad I didn't immediately want to spend time with her. She called me 68 times (yes, I counted) while she was gone, so it was really like she never left. FML
Today, I ignored my wife's phone calls at work, since all she ever wants to do is complain or talk about chores and projects. An hour later, security called my desk. She'd shown up at work to bitch me out for ignoring her. Now I'm the laughing stock of my workplace. FML
Today, on my job as a police officer, I received a typical domestic disturbance call. Not so typical was the address. Guess my wife's affair went terribly wrong while I was on shift. FML
Today, I received a call from my wife. It would've been great if she hadn't left on a business trip three years ago. FML
Today, my husband has been out partying all night. While my in-laws didn't ask him a single question, earlier I received more than six calls from them about when I'll be home to cook and clean. Where was I? In the office for the first time after working from home for past 3 years. FML
Today, I was visiting my new in-laws for the first time. During an awkward silence, I took my phone and figured I'd send my friend a text jokingly saying "Mayday, mayday! Somebody save me!" My mood lightened up a little and I felt quite well until my mother-in-law's phone beeped. Yep. FML
Today, after weeks of my girlfriend moaning that I never go anywhere, I went out with some friends. An hour in, she started blowing up my phone. When I answered it, she was screaming in rage because I wasn't home to cook dinner. FML
Today, I had to quickly back out of a Skype call between me and three coworkers because my fiancée came home from work in tears. When things had calmed down, I re-entered the call to find them unaware I had returned, saying how glad they were I had left because they all secretly despise me. FML
Today, I finally had a phone call after a week of nothing. It was my mother. It was by accident. FML
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Top comments
Pimpfromdowntown 11
Side with your wife for sex.
orangejubejube 20
I imagine you returning home to put a tape line down the middle of the house, saying "now, until I get back - you stay on your side, and you stay on yours.."
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Comments (27)
Pimpfromdowntown 11
Side with your wife for sex.
rockergal21 16
#1 knows where his priorities are :D
Negan 2
"They should just let us get married, cause anyone who's been married knows that the sex is downhill from there." ~Frank Gallagher
arisanator9900 20
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Side with your mom for sex!
colorfulequines 6
#9 is clearly a Roman. probably goes by the name Oedipus.
FrostyyFML 15
Why the down votes?
Elmoskittles 3
Well, should've brought your wife with you! Ha
domolovesyoshi 33
Yes that's how it works
orangejubejube 20
I imagine you returning home to put a tape line down the middle of the house, saying "now, until I get back - you stay on your side, and you stay on yours.."
SleepyPharma 21
Who's side is the bathroom on?
krazy789 28
Now i see why you dont go on the road very often
Moonfate 16
This is exactly why I'm glad my husband and I live 1000 miles from either of our parents.
jeepguy83 14
Why the hell is your mother even living with you? Tell that leach to get a job and move out!
A07 48
Because she's his mother, they're one of the few people in the world you can extend that privilege to.
Sunflora219 26
Yeah. I wouldn't let my parents move out either. So, maybe it's like a cultural thing, as well?
jeepguy83 14
Negative, ghost rider. When you get married, you cut the umbilical cord, and focus on your wife. It sounds like his mom doesn't want to let him go, he's too much of a mama's boy to get rid of her, and his wife is sick of it.
Big_D_Real 12
Where does it say the mother lives with them?
jeepguy83 14
It doesn't, but I think it's implied. How else could they be fighting after only 2 hours? Unless the mom was waiting for the son to leave so she could "kick her ass for stealing my son." But now I'm just making stuff up.
socialproduct 19
Sounds like you dodged a bullet. There should be a "Thank God I'm on the road" button.
ssnow_fml 20
Does your mom have lots of money? If yes, are you getting it all when she dies? If yes to both then side with your mom. If no to one of those then side with your wife.
hkhan24 23
ignore it, they're grown adults
A07 48
You could use it to your advantage OP, maybe mention how you'd love to have a sandwich right now. You'll get two.