Mysterious

Today, I lost my $100 in cash that I had to use to pay my phone bill. As a result, my phone got cut off and I missed an important call for an apartment that I was looking at. When I went to work, I heard my boss saying how lucky she was to find $100 in cash. FML

Today, I went shopping with a friend. She picked up a hundred dollars on the floor that somebody dropped. I told her, "I feel sorry for the retard who dropped the money." When I got home, I checked my purse and realized that I was missing a hundred dollars. FML

Today, I found a $100 bill on the ground and was thinking, "I'm so lucky!!" I opened my wallet to find that $300 was missing. I looked back and saw some guy picking up $300. FML

Enjoy yourself

Today, I woke up after a 16-hour shift, and my back is out. I worked it in order to "enjoy" my 2 days off. I can barely move. FML

Today, I got mugged. I also got an extra kick in the face for not having money in my wallet. FML

Today, I returned home to find the key to my mailbox missing. I called the post office and was informed that a new key will cost me $15. I have no money, and my paycheck is in the mailbox. FML

Pain in the ass

Today, I awoke to an excruciating pain in my back from sleeping in the same position all night. I can't wipe my own ass. I've already gone to shit twice. FML

Blood is thicker than a dollar bill

Today, I woke up and wished I hadn’t. I’m broke, tired, hungry and sick of my family, who is rich by the way, not even contributing a penny to help me from being evicted. Oh, and I lost my job last week. FML

Today, I woke up to the sound of my car being stolen. FML

Meritocracy, amirite?

Today, I worked for 4 hours and made $28.00. I have $1500 of bills coming due soon. FML