Today, I found out that I eat candy in my sleep. For two months I've been dieting because of my weight and high risk of diabetes. I now know why nothing has changed. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I discovered that I am going to the store, buying junk food, and eating it almost every night… entirely in my sleep. So much for being healthy and not dying in my forties. FML
Today, I decided to go on a diet to lose some weight before summer. This was followed by the arrival of a giant parcel full of candy from my mother. FML
Today, my mom told me she’d never forgive me for eating her birthday candy. I ate it in my sleep. FML
Today, I had a dream in which I was eating vast quantities of pizza, cookies, and pastries. I became so anxious about all the calories that I woke up. Even in my dreams I'm self conscious about my diet. FML
Today, thanks to pregnancy hormones, I had the most vivid dream of eating a caramel apple mousse cake with vanilla bean ice cream. Unfortunately, yesterday, also thanks to pregnancy hormones, I was diagnosed with diabetes. My dreams are taunting me. FML
Today, it’s the third month of my diet. Every dream I’ve had since I started has been entirely about junk food. Every. Single. One. FML
Today, my family and I discovered that my sleepwalking has escalated into sleep-raiding-the-fridge, after I woke up on my kitchen floor in a puddle of melted ice cream, surrounded by my parents, brother, and dogs. Apparently my recent dieting plans aren't going over too well with my subconscious. FML
Today, I realized that my diet has gone completely bust. If I try to limit the amount of food that I eat, my stomach is growling and keeping me up at night, when my sugar isn't crashing and turning me into a food vacuum cleaner eating everything in sight. I'm not starving myself, I'm trying to control my portions. FML
Today, I’ve been violently ill with diarrhea, and have been for past three days. I finally discovered why. It's because I ate a piece of candy off the recently-cleaned floor last week. My immune system is so weak, it can’t respect the 5-second rule. FML
Today, hours before sleep, I'd thought I'd enjoy eating 4, yes 4, pieces of Millionaire's Shortbread. I now have a sugar rush, can't sleep, and I feel sick. FML
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Top comments
cacheson 42
Sounds like you shouldn’t have candy in your house until you can get that solved...
Charlie Given 28
time to go visit a doctor any sort of sleep activity can be dangerous
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Comments (7)
cacheson 42
Sounds like you shouldn’t have candy in your house until you can get that solved...
giraffe_poop 8
probably best solution.
raven_of_azarath 35
I agree, though I have family members who have been known to sleep walk out of the locked house and to corner stores to buy candy, so I’d focus on therapy and doctors appointments more than anything else.
ahabsfan 17
Wake up and smell the candy.
RichardPencil 32
I smell sex and candy here. Who's that lounging in my chair?
sirrubberduckie 37
Yeah mama this surely is a dream.
FireMars 14
You wouldn't be able to sleep eat candy if it wasn't in your house. Unless you go out and buy it while asleep? either that or lock it away at night
Charlie Given 28
time to go visit a doctor any sort of sleep activity can be dangerous
Something 1
Some medications can actually have this effect on some people, it happened to me, and it was terrifying. I cooked food while sleeping. No matter the reason behind it, contact your doctor asap. This is dangerous behaviour.
tounces7 28
Get all the candy out of your house ASAP before you end up freaking choking to death in the middle of the night and not waking up in the morning.
bound101 7
Candy is hard to give up, but man, for medical reasons it's worth it.