Today, while making deliveries, a lady answered the door stark naked and invited me in. I'm a young single guy so I went for it, but her husband was also there, ready to go with an enormous boner, so I ran to my van and went back to the depot. They reported me for bad customer service. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my girlfriends dared me to answer the door naked to the cute pizza delivery guy. He laughed it off and thanked me for the awesome tip. An hour later, police arrived because my nosy, frigid, couldn’t-get-laid-in-a-brothel neighbour reported me for public indecency. FML
Today, I was busily having fun with my girlfriend, when suddenly the bedroom door opened and a man walked in, picked me up, and threw me outside the apartment. I was naked and didn't even know she was into men, much less had a husband. FML
Today, I was working by myself at a retail store and I was bored so I called my boyfriend. I woke him up and he was feeling frisky, and as things were getting heated, I started to moan and say dirty things… Until the entire rack of clothes fell over and revealed my boss hiding. He had a boner. FML
Today, I lazily answered the door in my pajamas. It was my elderly neighbor asking to borrow a can opener. Despite the strange and unwarranted scowl she was giving me I obliged. It wasn't until after she had left that I notice my penis was completely sticking out through the flap in my pants. FML
Today, an extremely attractive woman from FedEx came to deliver my new phone. I was wearing athletic shorts and had an erection. She looked down and laughed. FML
Today, while training a new employee, I had to run after a naked guy chasing a hooker at the hotel I work at. I made him go back to his room, while she offered me a good time for 300 bucks. The trainee left and hasn't come back yet. FML
Today, I was installing TVs in a hospital. When I knocked on a door, a female voice asked me to come in. I opened the door to see an 80 year old woman standing in front of me, naked. She then complained when I hesitated to help her to put some clothes on. FML
Today, while I was working in a department store, two 15-year-old kids started having sex in a changing room. When I found them, the boy pulled out and said, "You want in, bitch?" I then had to prevent his jealous, half-naked girlfriend from murdering me. FML
Today, I had to deliver pizza to a nudist colony. I got an eyeful of more than I needed to see. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were sexting, and he asked me if I would be naked and waiting for him when he got home. When he told me he was on his way, I took my clothes off and got into bed. What he didn’t tell me was he was bringing friends to pick up a desk from our place for their office. FML
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Top comments
GhostFox 34
That's how murders happen. Never enter a stranger's house, and if they ask why or threaten to complain, tell them it's against company policy.
JasonThorn 23
That's what you get when you play on the company clock.
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Comments (29)
GhostFox 34
That's how murders happen. Never enter a stranger's house, and if they ask why or threaten to complain, tell them it's against company policy.
Dave_Davington 34
You've been watching too many movies. Murders are almost always done by someone who actually knows and therefore feels they have a reason to kill the victim. It's extremely rare that someone will decide to kill a total stranger for funsies.
GhostFox 34
Err, I was specifically referring to the cases where the murderer and victim don't have a prior relationship. The majority of the time, rises like this ARE used as the bait to draw the victim out of the public eye. It's also the common setup for sexual assaults and batteries, when the victim and attacker don't know each other.
wHSKitty 11
Investigation Discovery’s “A Stranger in My Home.” Eek.
JasonThorn 23
That's what you get when you play on the company clock.
Dave_Davington 34
Well, they're technically not wrong.
Dave_Davington 34
****, that wasn't meant to be a reply. Goddamnit, now I look like a ********.
Donut_Wizard 23
When they said to follow your head, that isn't what they meant.
almost_there44 26
I will never understand how people can have sex with someone they literally made eye contact with two seconds prior. Saying, "They're two consenting adults", or "As long as they used protection" is getting old. It's none of my business and I know it happens every day, but damn! It is something I could never see myself doing out of fear and disgust.
Dave_Davington 34
Contraception and abortions are very recent inventions, so the now obsolete taboo against casual sex is still very much alive.
TheJawsman 18
Something tells me those disliking your comment missed your sarcasm disguised as a serious comment, Dave.
EmDizzle2007 28
congratulations. you have self respect and common sense.
RichardPencil 32
You might have made the right call if they wanted you to receive the package instead of delivering yours.
laurellkawes 31
You’re lucky your bones weren’t made into wind chimes.
chessu 21
I mean, as much as I get the temptation, surely you must realise **** isn't real life?
tounces7 28
I'm not entirely sure that having the husband there was well makes this any less of a "****-like" scenario.
EnvyMe33 26
Are you sure this wasn’t a dream from watching too many pornos?!?
Taurus_ChicKa 37
Both parties are at fault here. She shouldn't have answered the door naked or invited you in (why would she do that with her husband there? Guess she wanted a threesome?), and you shouldn't have accepted the offer since you were on the clock.
Notmymonkeysnotmycircus 16
Hey you’re supposed to deliver service with a smile!