Today, I told my husband that I wanted to take advantage of the alone time we would have while our kids are visiting my parents. My idea? A nice dinner out and kinky sex all night long. His idea? Chinese buffet and subsequent dutch ovens in bed. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I asked my husband what he wanted for his birthday, hinting that he could have anything sexual, and he asked me to… take the kids and visit my mother over the weekend, so he could have 48 hours totally alone, naked, drinking beer, and playing his Xbox. FML
Today, my husband and I sent our kids out with family and had the house to ourselves after ages. We had awesome sex. I wanted to cuddle while he wanted to take me out to a restaurant to enjoy our day. We argued, he won, and while we left our home arguing, we locked ourselves outside. The locksmith was costly. FML
Today, I booked a restaurant and nice hotel for date night. We only get a few hours away from our baby, so we may as well squeeze in sexy time! I told my husband and he was more worried about the awkward early check out than excited for the sex. FML
Today, I felt like spicing up our marriage, so I thought I'd surprise my husband when he got home from work. I put on my sexiest teddy, lit some candles, and laid on the bed. He walked in the room, looked at me for a second, farted, then asked me what was for dinner. FML
Today, my husband went out for a walk. My kids were tucked in bed and all the chores were done, so I finally had time to myself in a long time. I just wanted to watch porn and masturbate, but then my husband returned early to kiss me good night, and my son snuggled into my bed as he had a nightmare. Me time? Lol. FML
Today, I told my husband it would be great to spend an evening with a bottle of wine and a pile of blankets on the balcony of our cabin during the cruise. He decided it would be great to ditch me and go out gambling. FML
Today, my wife spent the entire evening grabbing my crotch, whispering dirty things to me, and telling me how horny she was, right up until the kids went to bed. Then, it was, "Baby, I just want cuddles, I don't feel like sex" and pouting. This happens at least three times a week. FML
Today, my fiancee and I dropped off our kiddo at a birthday party. Since it's been a couple of weeks of no sex, I said, "We could have sex while he's gone!" She said "Or… we could clean!" FML
Today, I told my husband I was horny and wanted to get it on. He agreed but first he had to finish the chapter he was reading, watch his show on Netflix, argue with strangers on Facebook, then do his workout. He had the nerve to cop an attitude when I was no longer in the mood. FML
Today, I found out my husband is a cuck. After explaining that I'm not exactly satisfied in the bedroom, we were thinking of ideas to spice things up. I suggested buying a few toys he could use on me. He immediately got mad, because he wanted me to find other men to screw instead. FML
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Top comments
KingDingALing 9
Take the hint, OP. What guy would give up the chance to have kinky sex with his wife all night long? I'll tell you what kind of guy would do that, a gay guy. Give him a ***** for Christmas.
WhatTheFuq 0
u can still have sex. just not with him.
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Comments (59)
star351225 0
i also want to know what the kinky sex and Duchi oven are
sapphireflames11 0
ooorah!
Sh0wT1M3 0
make sure u have lots of air freshener
Doortje 30
I'm not liking the term Dutch oven :(
rebwonders 0
don't worry, term comes from a cast iron pot with a lid most people encounter when camping out. Then when camping it was a good trick to fart in someones sleeping bag and then hold it cloves over their head. Now it's a trick you pull on your sex partner. You cut one under the covers and hold their head under. it has nothing derogatory to do with beautiful Holland. Let's smoke some pot together at a coffee shop next time I'm in Amsterdam! ;-)
kaitoimauto 0
Dutch ovens?
R34luver 5
can i shoot his nuts? he aint usin them anyhow haha
Totally___Epic 0
I'd recommend you show him how it's done. ^_^
mulmanic 0
:)
Hump_Zilla 0
my wife does the same thing....man that's a gassy woman, but I love her
Ranimal 12
You married him.