Today, I was camping. Me and this really cute girl were hitting it off real nice. It was the last night so we both headed over to my tent to have sex. I was just about to get it in when a raccoon ripped my tent, causing the girl to scream and run away. I got cockblocked by a raccoon. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I went camping. My tent is flooded, a raccoon ate all my food, I lost the anchor to my boat which as a result is now across the lake. Three more days. FML
Today, I found out that sex in the woods is amazing. I also found that the roar of a nearby bear will end the amazement. Not only was I cockblocked by a bear, I almost shit myself. FML
Today, I tried to pet what I thought was a cute cat under my porch. As it turned out, it was actually a raccoon. It hissed at me, and I screamed so loud that my neighbors came running. FML
Today, I went camping with my girlfriend and another couple. We saw a black bear. I shrieked and peed, while the other guy stepped forward and yelled, "Get outta here!" To my surprise, it ran away. My girlfriend is so ashamed of me that she's refusing to share a tent. I'm sleeping in my truck bed. FML
Today, while sitting on my front porch, my cat came up beside me. I started idly stroking her, only to turn and realize I was petting a wild raccoon. FML
Today, I saw a raccoon family on my front porch. There were 3 little babies. Wanting to keep one as a pet, I scooped up one of the babies. The mother raccoon turned around, made a bizarre roaring, hissing sound, and attacked me. I’m currently in the ER covered in grass and scratches. FML
Today, I arrived at a campsite, got everything set up, and went for a shower. However, when I got back, a drunken rhino of a woman had crawled into my tent, been sick, then passed out on my freshly-washed bedding. She was so fat I couldn’t even roll her. I had to sleep in my car. FML
Today, I met a girl and we ended up having sex at her place. She decided to give me some head underneath the cover, and it really was great until her Garfield-sized cat decided to jump on her head and make her choke on it. Guess who got kicked out in the middle of the night for being too reckless. FML
Today, I went to use a public restroom. I walked into the first stall and found it occupied… by a raccoon. It hissed at me, and in my panic, I backed into a janitor's cart, knocking over the mop and bucket. I had to leave the bathroom drenched in dirty water while a crowd of people watched. FML
Today, I experienced the perfect romantic moment as I was sitting on a hill on the beach overlooking the sunset, cuddling my girlfriend. It was abruptly ruined. How? A rat ran past. FML
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Top comments
Trebek 0
A raccoon interrupted you getting beaver, eh?
CryingHowls 0
GO RACCOON!
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Comments (151)
Sugar_lipsXo 0
keep it in your pants. that raccoon was a sign from above... there are no coincidences in life.
Goggles 0
Best. Story. EVER.
Whininghippo 0
Rofl, that's awesome! Even better than being cockblocked by a fire alarm. (That was a previous FML, I think. :D) But hey, I've been wondering for some time, what does OP stand for exactly? Original Poster? :o Someone help meh, plees!
RoguePenguin 0
8, 14, and 18 are just mad they never get any.... jk, I wouldn't do it either but I don't think it's wrong. Adults are allowed to make their own decisions about what they want sex to be for them. All living things have a natural drive to reproduce. There's nothing evil or gross about it. Some people get married and then are afraid to have sex with their own spouse because of people with attitudes like yours. No wonder Europe laughs at us.
mehwhateverr 0
#24. I'm for abstinence, but I believe if you're not going to wait for marriage you should 1. wait until you're out of high school and 2. not have sex when you first meet them. I think both are absolutely tacky.
CheezerX 0
LMFAO.... that's freaken funny man sux but really funny...
ihateyourband28 0
#21, you're stupid. LIFE is a coincidence. #25, it's all well and good you think that abstinence is the way to go for you, but it gives you no right to judge other people for their decisions. Both of you just kinda need to get off your high horses and get laid.
alley_cat_118 0
I'll probably get cut down for this one but.... "DAMN GOOD FER NUTHIN' COONS IS ALWAYS COCKBLOCKING ME!" (sigh) this is much too offensive, why am I posting this?
bigbluebronco 0
no that's awesome lol
drinkupgorgeous 0
raccoons scare the shit out of me.
soph84 0
ha ha... that sucks mate!