Bad boys, bad boys

BIG NEWS!

Today, my dad texted me saying he had "big news." I immediately called, thrilled, because I assumed he meant that he finally found a job and that our money troubles were over. The "big news" was him being excited at seeing an actor from one TV show he likes in another TV show. FML

Today, I found out that my dad writes really weird and scary slash fiction involving characters from all of the CSI TV show franchises. FML

Today, I found out my dad stole money from me when he was arrested for buying Oxycodone from an undercover cop. FML

Today, I found out I was named after the woman my dad used to stalk when he was in high school. FML

Today, I got a ticket. From my dad the cop. FML

Today, I saw my brother on TV after 3 years of no contact. He was being arrested on Cops. FML

Today, my dad came home drunk and called me hot. FML

What's your emergency?

Today, I found out that because I'm a cop, my 5-year-old son thinks the only way he can contact me is by calling 911. FML

At last!

Today, my house was raided for drugs. I had to find out my father is a drug dealer. The cops then told me this wasn't their first time here, but it was the first time I was home to see it. They said it was nice to finally meet me. FML

Today, my dad's face flushed when I introduced him to my new boyfriend. I live in a small town, and it turns out my dad recognized him. He's the secret child from an affair two decades ago. He's my half-brother. FML