Today, I gave birth to our first child at home. What was supposed to be a beautiful moment of us peacefully greeting our newborn, ended up with the cops knocking on our door. Apparently me giving birth sounds like a domestic dispute. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, at 6 a.m., the cops burst into our home. My husband was slammed to the ground and I had a gun pointed at me. I was naked and eight months pregnant. We had moved in the day before, they were coming to arrest the previous tenant. FML
Today, I gave birth to my firstborn child. Somehow, my mom and mother-in-law made their way to the delivery room, and walked in mid-push. While they were escorted out, I overheard my mother-in-law asking the nurse how her son, my husband, was holding up. FML
Today, security had to break up a fist fight in the labor & delivery unit. After giving birth, my roommate was attacked by the baby daddy’s wife. However, a second man was also there and started fighting the couple. It was a total melee so I grabbed both babies and hid in the bathroom. FML
Today, I gave birth to a baby girl. Where was my husband after the agony finally ended? Standing just outside the room, flirting with a nurse. FML
Today, my wife opted for a home birth with a nurse and her mother. Her mother is such a baby-feral, men-are-bastards, hippie feminist dragon that not only did she yell at me when I tried to be in the room, she has now pushed me out of the house. I ended up sat in my car with only one shoe and no phone. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I welcomed our first son into the world. After I gave birth, he said he was going home to make sure the house was ready for baby. A few hours later, he was tagged in a Facebook photo by a mutual friend at the local bar. FML
Today, the couple downstairs decided they wanted to try a home birth. FML
Today, I drove to the hospital to see my newborn. I went to the room, picked him out of the crate and held him. Then I heard the toilet flush and saw a woman who I didn't know come out. She screamed. My wife was in the room next door. FML
Today, my longtime partner had a mental breakdown and broke into my home. After forcefully having to get him out of my house and dealing with Police all morning, my 16-year-old daughter decided to tell me that she's pregnant. She thought one hour after a break in was the right time to tell me. FML
Today, I gave birth, but my husband was late and got here just in time to cut the cord. He was hung over after celebrating his impending fatherhood all night. He missed the cord twice, cut it, then fell over, and wound up in the bed next to mine, with a hydrating IV and a bashed head where he hit it on the baby's cot. FML
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Top comments
stife7 13
What did u think you would sound like giving birth?
jpsullivan 36
warning your neighbours would have been a much appreciated act. congratulations all the same
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Comments (109)
ballsdeel 16
Congratulations though!
stife7 13
What did u think you would sound like giving birth?
Rinat_fml 26
I actually lol'd at this FML. It's a funny FML cause it's true. No birth sounds pleasant.
AnalAssassin1 14
My wife sounded like a dying whale..
Mr23 9
People don't expect what a birth will sound like. They think "Ok, a bunch of grunts and maybe a scream or two at the end". A birth actually sounds nothing like a dispute, but few people outside of the Middle East can recognize the sound of torture, so that's what they default to.
stephenjn 11
Good Question. And what made her think it would be peaceful?
jpsullivan 36
warning your neighbours would have been a much appreciated act. congratulations all the same
domolovesyoshi 33
Because labor is always predictable
Silver_89 9
Pretty sure #3 meant warning the neighbors that they'd be giving birth at home, not warning them about labor.
CarlosDanger 12
Idiot.
sturschaedel 27
AFAIK home birthing is pretty common in Denmark, so since the neighbors saw her being pregnant they should have thought about this possibility.
stryder9090 28
It's quite predictable. Nine months warning actually.
clemsi 20
67 shouldn't you be sending some girl dick pics instead of calling someone an idiot on FML?
catharsis5 9
You guys never know. She might not get out of the house much so the neighbors didn't see with a full pregnant belly.
MidnaLink 35
Sometimes you just can't help how you sound. Obviously the cops understood, but at least they were just doing their job.
Earths_Venus 25
So, did you name the baby Copper?
Steve95401 49
If Kanye & Kim can name their daughter North West, anything is possible.
Steve95401 49
#31. The list of weirdly named children of celebrities seems to be endless but your choice definitely topped mine. Well done!
samantha236le 17
If Drake Bell named his baby Taco.. Taco Bell would be proud.
RageWolf16 31
Don't forget Chris Martin's daughter Apple and Blue Ivy
Stooby61 18
Never mind the noise, congratulations. Enjoy your new family member
RobinGoodfellow 47
You're making it sound like the baby's a tasty snack. "Enjoy!" It's creepy, man.
Mauskau 36
Mmm... baby flavour. Lamb does taste a lot better than sheep.
Llama_Face89 34
I guess everyone has a little cannibal in them today..
justinccp 8
Congrats on your baby :) but I'm sure you could understand how the natural sounds of agony associated with birth might have someone worried lol - it's not like that was your concern at the time. Just funny confusion lol
Migole 36
I think you might have wanted to give your neigbours a heads up ;) Violent screams for hours would probably get you the cops anywhere.
thejonac 21
well at least you have more people around to witness and celebrate the birth of your child so good for you, OP:) congrats anw
RobinGoodfellow 47
In fairness, if I were a neighbor and didn't know what was going on I'd have called the cops as well.