Today, my coworker texted me about her grandmother passing away. I meant to send a sad face but accidentally sent the party hat emoji. Now she probably thinks I was celebrating her grandma’s death. FML
Today, a coworker and I had our second date at my place. He wanted to show me pictures of himself in some club, where he had been a member in highschool. He started typing his name into the google search bar and it suggested his name from when I had googled him months ago. FML
Today, I woke up an hour and half late to work, sleeping through nine alarms, then fell and injured my knee going into work. I'd forgotten my work ID and door card, and misplaced my coffee mug. It's only 9 a.m.! FML
Today, I spent 15 minutes trying to log into my email at work. Frustrated, I reset my password. As soon as I finished, IT called to remind me that the reason I couldn’t log in was because I was typing my Netflix password the entire time. FML
Today, my nephew, who I was assured had previous experience, was closing jobs down on the computer after dealing with the customers on the phone without processing the payment for any of their orders. He’s been working for me for weeks. God knows how much money I’ve lost. FML
Today, I gave a presentation at work using my laptop. When I plugged it into the projector, the last thing I had Googled popped up on the big screen: “Do hamsters get depressed if you ignore them?” FML
Today, during a video job interview, I tried to sound professional by saying, “I always give 110%.” At that exact moment, my roommate burst into the room, holding a burrito and yelling, “You can’t even give 100% to doing the dishes.” The interviewer muted their mic, but I could see them shaking with laughter. FML
Today, I started my new shift schedule. They run on the policy: "Early is on time, on time is late." My shift starts at 6 in the morning. It's now 11pm and my wife called me a selfish bastard for asking her to get off Whatnot so I can sleep. FML
Today, I went in to hug my boss after a big project presentation, all because I misread his body language and thought he was opening his arms to me, but he was actually reaching for his jacket. I basically hugged his sleeve while he stared at me like I’d lost my mind. FML
Today, I was written up for being late to work. I was late because somebody in my dorm stole my pants. All of them. FML
Today, my crew and I were berated by a client for not installing her new hardwood floor on time. We were only halfway through the day, but apparently it should have only taken "like, an hour?" because "The guys on the TV shows do it that fast." FML
Today, I realized that because of my construction job, I have spent such a huge amount of time with older, cynical guys that I keep uncontrollably using the phrase "fucking kids these days" regularly like an idiot. I'm 18. FML
Today, I confidently walked into a meeting thinking I looked sharp in my new shirt. Halfway through, someone pointed out that the tag was still hanging out the back, flapping like a flag. It wasn’t even a size tag, it literally said "₦5,500" in bold. FML
Today, I fixed my car starter for $700 because I worked as a delivery driver for a weed company. I went into work and my boss promptly fired me. For fixing a car. To do my job. Which I need, to pay off the car. He even smiled as he said, “Well this is gonna be real awkward for you.” FML
Today, at work, I wondered: What's worse than a psychotic, gaslighting supervisor with his classic "You are worthless!" and "I never said/did that!" and other variations? A combination of said character with an autistic employee who panics at every such situation to the brink of peeing themself. I hate being that employee. FML
Today, it was my third day at my new job. It was super hectic; before long, I got so confused and overwhelmed, I had a full-blown emotional breakdown in front of my coworkers. My boss offered sympathy, telling me I could go home and he would never make me work on days like that again, but I still feel pathetic. FML
Today, after days of nasal congestion, I stifled a sneeze. It went out my nose, blowing out a massive spray of green gunk, streaked with blood. This happened at a meeting, splattering the table in front of me with green bloody mucus. The other attendees looked horrified and one ran to vomit. FML
Today, I had to take a drug test for a new job. I ended up spilling the cup of piss all over myself. I had to explain what had happened, then go sit in a waiting room full of disgusted-looking people, while I kept drinking water to fill my bladder back up. FML
Today, I finally got a job after nearly two years of unemployment. My boss is amazing, my coworkers are fun and helpful, and the pay is great. There's just one issue: it seems as though nothing can change the fact that I simply do not enjoy the job itself, even though I really thought I would. FML
Today, my coworkers were bored. To solve this, they taped me to a chair and tried tickling me to death. My boss joined in. FML
Today, I drove two and a half hours to a job interview. The interviewer never showed up or called. I sat in the hotel lobby waiting for an hour and a half. Even the hotel staff said they felt sorry for me. FML
Today, the guy I picked on in high school got his revenge. He bought out my dad's car shop above market value and then closed it. My dad doesn't care, he gets to retire early, while I get to watch something I'd hoped to inherit get torn down and sold off. FML
Today, on my first day driving a hearse, I took a wrong turn and of course every car behind followed me. Out of pure habit I had turned right into the main street as though I was driving home, when I should've turned left. At least my wife got to see me from the window as I drove past the house. FML
Today, after moving provinces and working my ass off to find a job, and finally finding one, I got the flu and had to call in sick two days on my first week. They fired me today. FML
Today, I was finishing up an internship so while driving past the other interns I said, "Bye losers!" as a joke. It turns out that the CEO was with them and fully heard me yell that. FML
Today, I can't afford to lose my job but I've been consciously sabotaging my job for months now. My manager pulled me aside to let me know that I am untrustworthy and need to improve. I'm smart and have no idea why I'm doing this to myself. I had a great work ethic in my previous job, even winning awards for it. FML
Today, HR informed me that they would not be investigating my formal complaint against my boss. This after four months of relentless bullying, including calling me while I was on vacation to tell me to do work, and eliminating my position when she found out I had gone to HR. FML
Today, a customer said the pants she was buying rang up more than advertised. I quietly told her plus-sizes were not on sale. The customer yelled in front of a whole line of people, "So I'm fat and can't read! Any other insults you'd like to throw at me?" and stormed out of the store. FML
Today, I was once again called into work on my day off after someone called in sick. All I want is one day where I get to stay home. Please. FML
Today, I walked into work with my freshly cleaned jacket that I wear in the office due to the AC. The jacket has Velcro on it and I didn't realize until I took it off that one of my bras was stuck to the Velcro. My hair is long so I hope no one noticed it, but I definitely greeted two people after walking in. FML
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