Today, after I bought front-row tickets thanks to six months of saving, it was finally showtime. The person in front of me turned out to be really, really tall and wore a cowboy hat the entire show. Every photo I took looks like I paid $300 to watch the back of a hat. FML
Today, my train was delayed, so I sprinted across the station to catch another one. I made it onto the train just before the doors closed. Then I looked around and realized I had boarded the exact same train I had just gotten off. FML
Today, my nephew asked if I wanted to see a magic trick. I humored him and let him give it a go. He covered my phone with a blanket, counted to three, and revealed that it had "disappeared." The little genius had dropped it into a fish tank while I wasn't looking. FML
Today, my university professor asked us to submit anonymous course feedback. I wrote three paragraphs criticizing his lectures. Ten minutes later, I realized I'd left my full name at the bottom of the page. FML
Today, someone had put a lock on my bike. While I was trying to saw it off, the police drove by. I was arrested for trying to steal a bike and released four hours later when they figured out that it was actually my bike. FML
Today, after weeks of psyching myself up, I finally asked my crush to go out for coffee. She smiled and said yes. Feeling on top of the world, I turned to leave, walked straight into an opening glass door, and gave myself a nosebleed before the date had even happened. FML
Today, while on vacation, I met up with a friend I have been playing with online for years in person. She took me to her place and introduced me to her family. Her mom gave me a judging look, and her first and only words to me were, "You ain't getting your green card from her!" as she condescendingly walked away. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I spent almost $500 adopting a senior cat and buying everything we needed to take care of him. He died 6 hours later. FML
Today, I got a second piercing in my ear. I needed help cleaning the back, so I asked my dad for help. I told him to careful, but right when I did, he tore the earring out with the cotton swab. Thanks, dad. FML
Today, my wife kicked me out because I had a vasectomy behind her back. I'm 45 and we have five kids, three of whom have already left the nest. FML
Today, I had a job interview and the interviewer assumed that since I'm short, I wouldn't be able to take the garbage out. Yesterday I had another interviewer call me a loser for being a stay-at-home mom. I'm gonna be unemployed forever it seems. FML
Today, I regret letting my adoptive daughter find her biological father because now he's intent on getting her back. He said he never agreed to giving her up for adoption and will do everything in his power to get her. She's terrified. FML
Today, while trying to document another unfair incident, as well as suspected fraud in my toxic work environment, I accidentally replaced months of text in my document with a single period. Cloud backup saved over the actual note I needed. Months of diligence gone and I'll probably continue to be stepped on. FML
Today, I was designing a newspaper page with a story about an aggressive female bird that was defending its nest and attacking students near some stairs. In the article were photos of victims who were attacked. We had a good laugh over it. Later, I was walking past there and the bird attacked me. FML
Today, I went to the dentist. Normally I walk out with no work to be done as he says my teeth are always great. I thought it was weird this time that he was scraping and pushing at my tooth when he usually doesn't. I'd walked in with a full set of teeth, walked out with a dentist-caused chipped tooth and a filling booked in. FML
Today, my wife called me at work, screaming in rage that she hated me, that I was a useless lump, that she wishes we'd never met. Did I have an affair or burn the house down? Nope. I set up the kids' backpacks for school today and forgot a library book that was due today. FML
Today, my husband is such a cheap-ass that he spent two days underneath his old beater car with an angle grinder and a welding rig, grinding off some old rusty supports, and welding on new ones. He makes enough money to throw that thing in the scrapyard and buy a brand new car. I don't get it. FML
Today, after almost two days, I finally fell asleep, during my husband's vows, on our wedding day, in front of 250 guests. FML
Today, someone left a lipstick in a public laundry machine of our student dormitory. Then, an hour ago, when I put my laundry in it (including my underwear), I didn't notice. FML
Today a cute coworker asked me out to lunch but I said no because I know how unattractive I am, and didn't think he wanted to be seen with me. He got really pissed and told me that I needed to work on my self-esteem. I just blew up something that could have been wonderful. FML
Today, my son told me he liked a girl, so I asked if they were friends. He said no, he's never spoken to her, but he watches her in class and follows her around. When I told him that was fucking creepy, my wife yelled at me. My kid is a stalker and my wife thinks it's cute. God help me. FML
Today, I was feeling more and more sick, with significant pain in my abdomen. Nobody believed me, and my grandma told me to stop whinging and to eat something. I tried but started vomiting, and now I'm being rushed into surgery with an already necrotic appendix. FML
Today, I got so nervous that I actually peed my pants during a job interview. FML
Today, my soon-to-be ex-husband cheated on me with a woman and got her pregnant (we are both men). What's even worse is that not many of my family are supporting me and keep making excuses for him, like maybe he wants to be a dad, or maybe he's bisexual. People are even encouraging me to stay with him. FML
Today, I went to the store in the most awful looking pyjamas possible, ran into my crush, and he looked at me up and down and laughed. FML
Today, I asked my foster parents to adopt me. They said no because my dad's getting out of prison soon. FML
Today, I was told that I need to learn to "let things go" by a woman who held a four-month grudge over a ham sandwich. FML
Today, I’m so embarrassed I can barely believe it: I was out on a date and he asked the waitress to bring a pitcher of water and extra sugar packets. He took two Kool-Aid packets from his pocket and mixed it up right there at the table, proudly stating he didn’t need to pay for drinks now. FML
Today, I'd registered for a free work event, but I forgot about it and registered for a free social event on the same day. I thought I would skip the work event, but I need to pay 500 € to skip it! Why can't I remember dates?! FML
Today, I missed a single letter when reading the Bible at church. Instead of "Hope was rich with immortality", I said "Hope was rich with immorality." Nobody at the funeral noticed, except an anonymous FML user who tried not to laugh. FML
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