Today, I came home to my son crying and packing a bag, with his laptop smashed on the floor. He said he needed to run away because a "crazy military guy" was coming to kill him. I logged in to his account and found that someone had sent him the Navy SEAL copypasta. He's 16. FML
Today, it’s been three hours since my girlfriend starting giving me the silent treatment. I went to the bakery to buy some pastries, so I asked her if she wanted any before I left. She said “No.” I came home with one pastry for myself and she threw a tantrum because she'd said “No” to see if I would get her one anyway. I’m confused. FML
Today, I was asked if I realized how much of a failure I am compared to everyone else. Yeah, I'm 32, and I feel like a complete failure. Almost everyone around me is a success, money coming in, their own place, trips non stop, new cars, and all the fuss. The problem is that I was asked this by one of my parents. I'm really tired. FML
Today, I've been a vegan for a year. It's also the day that I met my dad's new best friend, who happens to be a retired butcher. They tried to pull an intervention on me for not "being sensible" by eating meat. FML
Today, I got an inheritance, so I was planning to put most of it in savings, and maybe buy two new cars. Alas, my wife instead decided we really needed to pay off the secret credit card debt she’s been hiding from me. Not only is the inheritance gone but so is an additional 3 grand from our savings. FML
Today, I asked my husband for the 1000th time to stop texting a woman he used to be friends with in high school, with whom he recently reconnected, and that I’m feeling neglected in this marriage. He responded by saying, “Fine! I guess I can’t have any friends then!” and took a hammer to his phone, breaking it. FML
Today, I hope to tell my roommate that I want to leave and never look back, because I'm done with the bird and the dogs and the hair and shit everywhere. I can't anymore. My brain is going to explode. FML
Today, I found a pair of glasses in my car. I don't wear glasses, and nobody besides myself has been in my car lately. It appears that someone has been sleeping in my car and forgot their glasses. FML
Today, I let my best friend know how I feel about him, since I have developed feelings for some time. I let it all out, hyperventilating and crying, yet relieved that I finally got it off my chest. He put his hand on my shoulder and said, “I appreciate it and you’re a great friend, but you’re kinda too homely for me.” FML
Today, my second-grade daughter asked her teacher how much money she makes. FML
Today, I had a job interview. It went rather well and I was sure they would hire me. I put in my two weeks notice at my current job and told my boss to suck a dumpster of dick. I then get an email saying they “won’t be moving forward” because my Threads and Instagram don’t “align with the company values.” FML
Today, I realized my marriage is over. I was in labor with our first child and my husband acted like being there with me in the hospital was a chore. However, he saw a young nurse and his mood did a 180. He left soon before I gave birth because he “got hungry.” All of this and he STILL has no clue why I’m upset with him. FML
Today, I found out that my boyfriend is still liking other semi-naked girls at Instagram, even though I'd told him a month ago that it makes me feel insecure. It's time to say goodbye to him; I can't find a man with integrity. FML
Today, I was awoken by a conversation my mom was having with my dog upstairs. She was telling my dog that a ghost lives in our house. She was completely serious. The ghost even has a name and a backstory. FML
Today, as I was breastfeeding my daughter, I looked over and there was a big tick sucking my armpit away. I just started screaming, "Help! Help!" FML
Today, despite warning my mother repeatedly about scammers, I got home to her on the phone giving her bank details to someone for security purposes. I grabbed the phone and hung up, and now she’s mad at me because he sounded like such a "nice honest man" and I was very rude to him. FML
Today, I met my boyfriend’s family. His mother gave me expensive diamond earrings and treated us to brunch. I don’t know how I’m gonna have the heart to tell him that I’ve accidentally gotten pregnant from someone else I’ve been seeing. I can’t tell him it’s his because we haven’t slept together yet. FML
Today, my parents told me that they think I've gone off the deep end. I don't drink or take drugs. What did I do? I got McDonald's a couple of times after school. FML
Today, a guy didn’t want to take me on a second date. I asked him if it was because I’m not pretty, or because I’m not catwalk model skinny, or too short, and he told me quite openly that it had nothing to do with that, I’m just so boring. FML
Today, my doctor wants me to avoid carbohydrates, proteins, and fats. Yes, I am looking for another doctor while I scratch my head. FML
Today, my boss wanted us to fill out anonymous employee satisfaction surveys. The entire workforce, all 4 of us, just looked at him. How can a sample of only 4 surveys possibly be kept anonymous? He’d know who it was straight away from our handwriting. Man he must think we’re dumb… FML
Today, it's been week since I won a Hackathon at work, while working from home, yay! Winners get trophies, which is cool. I asked my coworker who won if he got a trophy and another coworker decided to chime in with, "Only winners get the trophies." I won, but I just didn't get a trophy. "Oh, guess they ran out." FML
Today, my family wonders why I don't call them more often. Probably because every single facet of my life is a disaster; medically, professionally, mentally and emotionally. Who wants to listen to a radio station that has nothing but bad news playing on it? Also, no habits that will get me an early grave. Lucky me. FML
Today, I went to a party with a friend. All I remember is passing out on the couch. About 10 minutes ago, I was woken up by a bucket of cold water and thrown out by the guy who lives there. I'm still dripping and very cold, and I have no idea where the hell I am. FML
Today, I called my aunt to wish her a happy birthday. My mom and I proceeded to sing "Happy Birthday" to her. The first words that came out of her mouth were, "You guys are terrible singers." You're welcome, I guess. FML
Today, my wife yelled at me for not helping her rearrange the furniture. I have a sprained shoulder and have been ordered by my doctor to avoid heavy lifting. She said, "Move the couch or sleep on it." FML
Today, I took my dog to the dog park and let him off the leash for a bit. He ran straight towards a group of people having a picnic, jumped on their blanket, and devoured half of their food before I could catch him. They were surprisingly forgiving, but I had to buy them lunch to make up for it. FML
Today, my boyfriend of two years kept digging around in his belly button and smelling his fingers. At one point he shoved his fingers in my face and told me to smell his belly button. He's 27 years-old. FML
Today, I was at a volleyball game talking with my friends when a girl who is in my team arrived. She was greeting someone else but I thought that she was saying hi to me. However, I'd already waved back at her. All my friends and others noticed the situation and as a result they laughed at me. FML
Today, I was at a friend’s party when I needed to use the restroom. I walked into a closet and couldn’t find my way out in the dark. I ended up knocking over several items before someone heard the commotion and rescued me. I think someone recorded the whole thing so I'm afraid it gets posted it onto social media. FML
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