Anonymous · 26 November 2024, 09:00 ·United States

Stuck in the middle

Today, I have COVID. My almost ex-wife is taking our kid to Thanksgiving with her family, but asked if he could stay longer with me (while I'm in quarantine), I said OK, no energy to argue, but she pushed and when I said, "If he's negative and has no symptoms it seems unnecessary" she screamed, "I DON'T WANT TO KILL MY PARENTS!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 263 You deserved it 437

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ow my kidneys · This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff ·Bad Oeynhausen, Germany

Get out of my way!

Today, I went down a water slide. Halfway through, I got stuck behind some kids who were blocking the tube. Seconds later, a big-boned lady crashed into my back. Her solution to break the blockade was to start kicking my back repeatedly as hard as she could. The kids still wouldn't move. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 432 You deserved it 2 004

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scotchfaster · 26 November 2024, 03:00 ·United States

Classic

Today, I started seeing a new therapist and told him everything that was going on in my life. He asked me if I was suicidal; I said no. He paused and asked me, "Why not?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 525 You deserved it 105

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Anonymous · 26 November 2024, 00:00 ·Santa Fe, United States

Sensitive

Today, I sneezed so hard in a café that I scared a toddler, who screamed, causing another patron to drop their coffee. It was a chain reaction of chaos, all thanks to my nose's sensitivity to the smell of knock-off perfume wafting from a dude at the table next to ours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 452 You deserved it 136

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Anonymous · 25 November 2024, 22:00 ·United States

That'll be a no from me, dawg

Today, despite knowing that I hate being the center of attention (and think that public proposals are stupid anyway), my boyfriend popped the question at a crowded hockey game. I threw up all over him, with thousands of people watching. FML

I agree, your life sucks 633 You deserved it 154

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Covid 2: Electric Boogaloo · 25 November 2024, 22:00 ·United States

Covid nostalgia

Today, I have to use toilet paper as a substitute for Kleenex, because I have a nasty cold and ran out. We're also snowed in where I live, so I currently can't go to the store to get some more. I think I now understand why people were hoarding this stuff. FML

I agree, your life sucks 337 You deserved it 166

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fashionista1787 · This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff ·United States

Yikes

Today, I had a creepy old guy with awful body odor in my salon. As I was washing his hair, he brought up how he wants to start a garden, and how a woman's monthly flow weirdly helps to make it grow. Then he asked me if I could save up my used tampons for him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 517 You deserved it 2 575

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Anonymous · 25 November 2024, 15:00 ·Bexleyheath, United Kingdom

Missed opportunities, mixed signals

Today, a friend told me he thought I was hot and we ended up having lunch together. I like him and we’ve already arranged a second date, but when I mentioned this to someone else, she got pretty upset. Turns out she liked me and had been dropping hints for a while. No clue what’ll happen to my friendship with her… FML

I agree, your life sucks 459 You deserved it 168

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jeana · 25 November 2024, 12:00 ·United States

Desperate times

Today, I was so desperate to pee that I used the only bathroom in the convenience store I was in, which was “Employees Only.” Well, the door got stuck and I had to get an employee to let me out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 282 You deserved it 347

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mister fixit? more like mister fuxit · 25 November 2024, 09:00 ·New York, United States

Constant surveillance

Today, I made the mistake of taking apart and fixing a malfunctioning toaster in front of my five year-old. Two hours later, he tried to take apart a lamp that was plugged in. He shocked himself, broke the lamp, and set the carpet on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 466 You deserved it 276

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Anonymous · This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff ·Canada

Forever alone

Today, I was at a family get together with distant relatives. My grandma made a point to say how all of the grandkids brought their boyfriends or girlfriends. She looked at me, then turned to everyone and said, "But not our Becky! She's more interested in her cats right now than finding a man." FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 459 You deserved it 6 959

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ninithel · 25 November 2024, 03:00 ·Hull, United Kingdom

Mother knows best

Today, I have fibromyalgia and ADHD. I either have no energy, no focus, or no energy for anything, or I burn out trying to do everything. Meanwhile, my mother is adamant that I can be "cured" if I stop eating sugar. I'm allergic to most sweeteners and she won't believe me, and thinks she knows better than my doc. FML

I agree, your life sucks 471 You deserved it 126

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Anonyme · 25 November 2024, 00:00 ·United States

Small world

Today, I went to my local grocery store in sweatpants and slippers to pick up some hangover food, thinking I wouldn’t run into anyone I know. I ran into my ex, her new partner, and his parents… twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 341 You deserved it 328

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Secret · 24 November 2024, 22:00 ·Davison, United States

Failed

Today, I looked at my boyfriend of four years's phone. He may not be cheating, but he was trying, and got shot down five times by three different women. Pathetic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 580 You deserved it 122

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Anonymous · 24 November 2024, 20:00 ·Miami, United States

Contracted

Today, I finally got an offer for a salaried position with the company I've been working for as a contractor for the past two years. They offered less than what I make now, but hey, benefits! FML

I agree, your life sucks 438 You deserved it 126

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Anonymous · This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff ·Lafayette, United States

Tea leaf

Today, I found the purse that some asshat stole from my 15-year-old sister a few days ago. I found it in my now ex-boyfriend's closet. When I confronted him, he broke up with me for "invading" his privacy and kicked me out, without the purse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 768 You deserved it 4 035

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I’m not like other guys! · 24 November 2024, 15:00 ·Anaheim, United States

Never gonna give you up

Today, my crazy ex has scared off yet another great woman. Thanks to all the douchebags that use “crazy ex” as an excuse to for their own shit behavior, no one believes me that mine is legitimately crazy. I didn’t cheat or mistreat her, I left because of her control and jealousy issues. FML

I agree, your life sucks 505 You deserved it 114

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Anonymous · 24 November 2024, 12:00 ·United States

What more do you need?

Today, we have elevators at my work, but you need to go to HR to get a key. I was denied one after I almost died in a car accident because I didn’t look “hurt enough.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 534 You deserved it 102

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ninithel · 24 November 2024, 09:00 ·Hull, United Kingdom

Sleep cycled out

Today, I'm doing the school run. I went to bed early and took a sleeping pill for my insomnia so I could be productive. Even if I could sleep past my partner snoring like a cave bear with sinus infection, it turns out that my sleeping pills make me hyper. The next person who says ADHD is fun is getting slapped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 397 You deserved it 153

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mywillyisdisappointed · This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff ·United States

High hopes

Today, I went out with a girl I've been dating. I dropped her off and she finally asked me if I wanted to come in. When I did, she asked me to change a light bulb in her kitchen, and then promptly sent me home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 165 You deserved it 3 538

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Snow joke, I feel like hell · 24 November 2024, 03:00 ·United States

Plough me out

Today, snow finally arrived in my area, in very large quantities. Also today, I seem to have caught my dad's cold. The town is too snowed in for traveling and my medications are running low, so I guess we'll suffer together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 360 You deserved it 116

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Lauren · 24 November 2024, 00:00 ·Australia

Turned out OK

Today, I found my high school diary and decided to read it for nostalgia. My teenage self wrote, “Future me will totally be rich, famous, and married to Chris Hemsworth by 30.” I’m 32, single, and googling “How to fix a clogged toilet.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 410 You deserved it 189

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Anonymous · 23 November 2024, 22:00 ·Belgium

Classic

Today, I tried to be nice and held a door open for someone. I didn’t realize they were actually far away, so I ended up awkwardly standing there for 30 seconds while they power-walked towards me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 324 You deserved it 216

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Anonymous · 23 November 2024, 20:00 ·United States

Breaking news

Today, I was feeling motivated to improve my unhealthy miserable life and went for a jog. Halfway through, I tripped on my own shoelace and scared a couple walking their dog. According to my wife, it's already been gossiped about in our neighborhood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 410 You deserved it 134

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Crash · This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff ·United States

Beep beep

Today, I saw a woman still texting on her phone as she started to drive away when the light turned green. I made sure to stare her down and give her a dirty look because she wasn't paying attention to driving. She laughed as I rear-ended the car in front of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 290 You deserved it 62 678

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Martian man · 23 November 2024, 15:00 ·United States

It came from outer space

Today, I saw the woman I asked out last month in a relationship with another guy. She rejected me because she “wanted to focus on herself.” I texted her and asked why she had lied to me. She responded with, “Okay, you caught me. But can you blame me? I’m not attracted to butt ugly Martian-looking men.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 237 You deserved it 758

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Anonymous · 23 November 2024, 09:00 ·United Kingdom

Confused as hell

Today, I walked into the kitchen to grab a snack, only to forget why I was there. I left and remembered what I wanted, but when I came back, I forgot again. I did this three times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 403 You deserved it 197

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ugh · This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff ·Troy, United States

Dream baby dream

Today, I woke up from an explicit dream involving my dentist. I'm scheduled for a conscious sedation appointment with him in two hours and I'm terrified of what I might say or do while I'm under. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 482 You deserved it 3 489

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Jei Dee Eme · 23 November 2024, 03:00 ·Raleigh, United States

Human?

Today, I went to work 8:30 am. Human stayed home. Got home at 5pm. Human is working on his music at home. It is 7:11 pm and Human is still on his computer working on the same song, on replay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 116 You deserved it 407

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jesse · 23 November 2024, 00:00 ·Denver, United States

Oddly specific reason

Today, I went out to dinner with a cute, funny, smart, amazing girl. Or at least I thought she was cute, until she started coughing after her meal. She explained that she coughs after she eats. Can you say dealbreaker? FML

I agree, your life sucks 116 You deserved it 900

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