Today, I was talking on the phone about how my son's babysitter is an absolute sicko, that she smoked weed next to my baby, that she smells bad, etc. I literally said her full name and the way she looks. Then I felt a hand on my shoulder; it was her, and she'd heard absolutely everything. FML
Today, when I got to work, I found out that I was being laid off. Two hours later, I found out my boss had my name on the wrong list. I was elated. I went to lunch, but on the way back was rear-ended, in the rain. I was an hour and a half late getting back to work. I was fired upon returning. FML
Today, my husband discovered our neighbour's fence was over our property line by 6 feet and kicked up a fuss about moving the fence. It turns out my husband can’t measure for shit. The fence is actually inside the neighbour's property, and he insisted we move it. There is now no room to park my car. FML
Today, I was walking down the hallway at work when I saw a coworker I hadn't talked to in a while. I went for a high-five as a friendly greeting, but she didn’t see me coming and instead awkwardly grabbed my hand like she was about to hold it. We both froze for a second, and then awkwardly sighed and practically ran away. FML
Today, my entitled brother-in-law called me unannounced as I was having lunch and asked if I had food for him and his wife. I said, "The food I have at home will only be enough for my husband." Now I'm the villain for not cooking enough for sudden unexpected mealtime visitors. FML
Today, my friend and I thought it would be funny if we could both fit into her big sweatpants. When we tried to take a step, she fell on top of me. She started peeing uncontrollably. We had to cut ourselves out of the sweatpants. FML
Today, I bought the girl I like concert tickets for our favorite artist, who is usually never in our town, for her birthday. She said, “No thanks, I have to work that day.” She works Monday-Friday. The concert is on Saturday. When I mentioned this, she asked me, “So, what did you think of the Super Bowl halftime show?” FML
Today, the man I've been with for ten years left me for a coworker he's known for three months. FML
Today, I was on a long-haul flight, desperately trying to sleep. My husband next to me started snoring so loudly, I swear he was vibrating the seat. In a dazed, half-asleep state, I leaned over and hissed, “Shut up!” It wasn’t him. It was the guy next to him. He woke up and looked at me like I was the problem. FML
Today, after a very painful mouth surgery, I went home to take a nap. Then my nose started bleeding, so I stuck a tissue in it and fell asleep. When I woke up, I was so high from painkillers that when I saw the tissue, I thought it was a ghost. I screamed so loud I burst a stitch. FML
Today, I was feeling lonely, so I turned on my Roomba for some "company." Five minutes in, it got stuck under the couch and started crying for help. Now I’m comforting an appliance because I feel bad for mistreating it. I need therapy. FML
Today, I tried to surprise my boyfriend by jumping on his back for a piggyback ride. He wasn’t expecting it. We both ended up on the floor, and I owe him a new pair of glasses. FML
Today, it's Valentine's Day. I wanted to set the mood by decorating. I guess the projectile vomit I've been spewing all morning will have to do. FML
Today, I caught two kids passing notes to each other in my class, so I told them to see me afterwards. When one of the kids eventually came up, I noticed he was crying. He looked up at me and sobbed out, "I was trying to make my first friend!" FML
Today, I was reading on my couch when I noticed my cat trying to escape out of an open window. I leapt up to stop her, but in my panic, I tripped over a coffee table leg, slammed my face into a wall, and knocked over a guitar. My cat, meanwhile, just sauntered down, and went off to the kitchen. FML
Today, I'm contemplating messaging my ex. It's been 5 months since I quietly moved on after he started ignoring me, or telling me that he was actually planning a date by asking me if a shirt looked good on him. It did look good on him and he's probably moved on too, while I've spent the last 5 months thinking about him. FML
Today, I tried to make a dramatic exit after arguing with my sibling. I slammed the front door behind me, only to realize my hoodie string was stuck in it. I had to awkwardly knock and ask to be let back in. FML
Today, I went to a job interview and, trying to sound confident, I shook the interviewer’s hand and said, "Nice to meet me." I didn’t get the job. FML
Today, I was painting my new house when my neighbor introduced himself. Mid-conversation, he said, "The lady who lived here was nice, but just couldn't get over her husband hanging himself in the garage. Or her son shooting himself in the basement." I'll never sleep again. FML
Today, it's Valentine’s Day and the woman for whom I gave up my traveling $100,000 day job, and two luxurious vehicles for a trailer and a dog, now says she doesn’t want to get married because I have to work a POS job. FML
Today, I checked my jacket pocket for my smartphone, all while still holding my smartphone. FML
Today, It's Valentine's Day. I'm single and in college, where everyone is posting their S.O.s and going on dates. I'm intensely introverted and shy, and I have a crush but I'm way too scared to ever tell him, and I'm going to spend my evening alone studying organic chemistry. Honestly, I just feel nerdy and lonely. FML
Today, after months of random vomiting with no apparent cause, I finally got some tests done. The doctor says there's nothing wrong with me and that it's all just in my head. Great. FML
Today, I made a heart-shaped pancake for my girlfriend as a surprise Valentine's Day breakfast. I flipped it too hard, and it landed on my cat. The cat then ran around the house with a pancake cape, and the surprise was ruined by the cat bolting into the bedroom, waking my girlfriend up, who's not a morning person at the best of times. FML
Today, my 3 year-old was trying to learn some simple spelling. She then proceeded to have an absolute meltdown because I said my name doesn’t have an ‘N’ in it. My name is Gary. FML
Today, I got my husband his favorite candy and wine for Valentine's Day. He got mad and accused me of doing it to "bribe" him into bed, since he hasn't been wanting sex lately. When I asked how he could say something so cruel, he admitted that he's been cheating on me, and my gift made him feel guilty about it. FML
Today, I walked into my office, rocking my new noise-canceling headphones. Turns out, they work so well that I didn’t hear my coworker trying to warn me about the wet floor. Now I’m the proud owner of a bruised hip and a security camera video making the rounds on our Slack channels. FML
Today, I was over at my boyfriend's house and I heard a strange sound. I laughed and said, "It sounds like a dog throwing up!" He listened for a second and said, "That's my mom crying downstairs." FML
Today, we had an ice storm. My fiancée went out to look at the damage and yelled at me when I warned her to be safe. As she was walking around, she almost got nailed by a falling branch. Now she's mad at me. I don't know why either. FML
Today, I realized that procrastinating studying for my finals until the last day would end up in me failing, irrespective of how much caffeine I consume. FML
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