Nearly FMLs

By sarkaar - 26/01/2016 09:59

Today, I mistakenly stepped on the tail of our new baby Labrador. As I jumped back in shock, I ended up stepping on the tail of our German Shepherd. The German decided to go for my tail. It hurts to sit. FML.

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By Anonymous - 26/01/2016 09:19 - United States - Aurora

Today I realized the highlight of my week is being able to watch HD porn on my new laptop. FML

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By kaushikwoolla - 26/01/2016 08:59 - India - Bangalore

Today, I unwrapped a chewing gum and threw the actual chewing gum outside the bus and accidently put the wrapper into my mouth. FML

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By Chukkles - 26/01/2016 08:47 - United States - Kennesaw

Today, my dog for the first time drank out of the toilet, and of course the last person who went didn't flush. She then happily came over to me licking my face. FML

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By fouronthefloor - 26/01/2016 08:35 - India - New Delhi

Today, I got offered a gig after years of waiting. It turns out that the only time I'll get gig offers is during exam time. FML.

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By Tomato_Cheese - 26/01/2016 07:17 - Australia

Today, my cute little bubble eyed goldfish died. How? My dumbfuck younger brother poured chlorine in it to "kill the germs".FML

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By TheWizardofOz - 26/01/2016 07:07 - United States - Visalia

Today, during rehearsals for the school play, I was on the stage waiting to start when my friend put a prop over my head. I didn't notice until I looked up and I got scared and fell off the stage. My new name amongst the cast members is "The great and powerful Oz who is scared of Glinda's wand." FML

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By elephantsarecool - 26/01/2016 06:55 - United States - Van Nuys

Today, I woke up to my upstairs 60year old neighbors having sex. Sad part the husband's name is the same as my boyfriends and I could hear the wife moaning his name. Now I can't stop picturing her with my boyfriend. FML

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By lanexox1d - 26/01/2016 06:26 - Canada - Oshawa

Today, my boyfriend went down on me. I forgot he has a huge cold sore on his lip. FML.

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By bootsncats - 26/01/2016 06:23 - United States - Columbus

Today, it's my first day of college, my first day of freedom, my first day of adulthood and independence. Today is also the day I shattered my first bone not an hour after my parents dropped me off. FML.

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By bacon_lover03 - 26/01/2016 06:20 - United Kingdom - Stockport

Today, I was so tired that I curled up to the radiator and fell asleep for an hour and a half. What I didn't realise was that my arm was on it for the entire time whilst I was asleep. I now have burn marks that look like a lone DNA strand and I have a blister. FML

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By cloudyface - 26/01/2016 05:54 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while trying to get my toddler out of the backseat the person that had parked next to me started to back out their car and trapped/pinned me between my car door and my car, squishing my legs.

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By Anonymous - 26/01/2016 05:43 - United States - Broomfield

Today my wife just declared that she is pregnant. Today my doctor also declared that I have terminal cancer and have been given less than ten months to live.

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By I just sharted mofos - 26/01/2016 05:27 - United States - Atlanta

Today, at work I had to poop really bad. On my way to the restroom I let out a little fart. It wasn't a fart, I shat in my pants. Now I have to spend all day smelling like crap. FML

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By TheGamingGamer - 26/01/2016 05:18 - United States

Today, I missed my stop while riding a bus. I didn't realize until 9 stops later. FML

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By little Chappell - 26/01/2016 04:59 - United States - Fargo

Today, after a hard day of practice my grand father went into hospice care (care for the dying) and than my girlfriend of just over 2 years broke up with me for "not responding" while I was sitting with my dying grandfather. FML

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By megamonster99 - 26/01/2016 04:51 - United States - Harrisburg

Today, I realized how dry my skin was when I found dandruff in my pubic hair. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/01/2016 04:46 - United Kingdom - Turriff

Today, I just noticed that I play video games so much that I have a bigger crush on a video game character than a real person. FML

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By didsomethingwrong - 26/01/2016 04:39 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my girlfriend of two years stood me up for the date that she arranged as an apology for standing me up on our last date. FML

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You deserved it 1

By breakerone92 - 26/01/2016 04:35 - United States - Saint Johns

Today, I was asked by my mom what a GMO was. I had to look it up due to me not remembering. I told her it stood for genetically modified orgasms. FML

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By anon - 26/01/2016 04:08 - United States - Bemus Point

Today, I found out my girlfriend only dates me because I help her with her math homework. FML

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By Izzy - 26/01/2016 04:07 - United States - Vashon

Today, after lecturing my mom about not killing small house spiders, I caught the spider in a glass and put it outside. It promptly jumped on me, causing me to drop the glass and shatter it, and my mom was laughing too hard to pull a shard out of my foot. Karma why? FML

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By justsomesummer - 26/01/2016 04:01 - United States - Forest Grove

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years called me to tell me I would need to wear waterproof mascara when we go out on our "special" date tonight. I was expecting him to finally propose, but instead, he broke up with me. On the bright side, the waterproof mascara did its job. FML

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By anonymous - 26/01/2016 03:58 - United States - Saint Clair

Today, I had an allergic reaction to the metal in my glasses. My face is covered in raw, bleeding spots now. I can't put the glasses back on and i can't get a new pair for another 2 weeks. I can't see without them. I'm a librarian. FML

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By PineappleTango12 - 26/01/2016 03:56 - United States - Silver Spring

Today, my on again off again boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me.My best friend pointed out that this always happens right before a holiday. Last year Christmas, the year before that my birthday. When I confronted him he confessed that he does this every year so he can avoid buying me a gift . FML

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By Soniyaaaa - 26/01/2016 03:52 - United States

Today, I got an F on my math test. The reason? I didn't finish it in class with everyone else because I was called out to help another teacher with her computer. She won't even let me retake the test either. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/01/2016 03:51 - United States - Woodridge

Today, I was at the hospital waiting to have my blood taken. And I was waiting and looking around and I see this 90 year old Hispanic man staring at my ass. Obviously I was annoyed...I realized later that I got my period that day and the man was laughing at my blood stained sweatpants. FML

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By myaahni - 26/01/2016 03:49

Today, my aunt went to the doctors because she was feeling really sick. She later found out that she was pregnant. With not one baby, but twins. She's upset because she was suppose to go over seas for vacation this summer, but now she can't go. FML

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By peanut trip - 26/01/2016 03:23 - United States - Irving

Today, I accidentally ate the sandwich my mom packed for my sister. It was peanut butter. I'm severely allergic to peanut butter. FML

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By corrosive catshit - 26/01/2016 03:21 - New Zealand

Today, after accidently leaving my cousins bedroom door open, her elderly cat decided to take a human sized shit on her carpet. The smell was foul and it was splattered up on the wall. Guess who had to spend 30mins scrubbing and shovelling shit. Fml.

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The Top

Today, my friend with benefits texted me to say that his roommate had heard us getting it on, and had gone on to nickname me 'Giggles'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 374

You deserved it 568

Today, my boyfriend spent forty minutes making pasta sauce when we had a perfectly good jar of pasta sauce in the pantry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 96

You deserved it 1 023

Today, I read an incoming message on my wife's phone. "I miss your warm hands and mouth". The message came from a female co-worker of hers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 787

You deserved it 6 054

Today, I drove into the parking lot at work, and discovered too late that there were patches of ice everywhere. As I turned to enter my usual spot, I lost control of the vehicle, and despite my pleas, praying, and profanity, it glided straight into my boss's car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 444

You deserved it 4 412

Today, I apologized to my mother-in-law for not wanting to be around the family babies while I am struggling with infertility. She responded that that was OK but that I should still really meet my baby nephew, because, "He is the most precious baby ever!" FML

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You deserved it 172

Today, my mom's boss reversed into my parked car. She expects me to say that it's my fault so she doesn't have her insurance increase. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 480

You deserved it 760