Nearly FMLs

By iBroke - 15/02/2016 21:28 - United States - Plano

Today, I told my friend I got an expensive new indestructible, shatterproof case for my phone. He immediately exclaimed "cool!", and put it under the tire of a passing car. I hadn't gotten a chance to put the new case on yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 1

By Anonymous - 15/02/2016 21:24 - United States - Bettendorf

Today my valentines date gently woke me up by masturbating an inch from my face and trying to wrap my unconscious hand around his penis, because I told him last night I wasn't ready for sex since we had just started seeing each other. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By TylerSimpz - 15/02/2016 21:22 - United States - Concord

Today, I toasted a sponge, thinking it was a toaster strudel. I flipped it over at least 3 times during the course of its toast, I'm losing my mind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Might've messed up - 15/02/2016 21:14 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I was preparing to vacuum and I had accidentally stubbed my toe. After a minute or two of frustration I ignored it. Later on my mom asked why there was blood all over her floor. Confused I checked my toe and realized I bled all over her floor. I now have to clean that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Toes - 15/02/2016 21:05 - United States - Fenton

Today, after four years of living together happily, my submissive (and much larger) dog decided out of the blue that she wants to be the Alpha dog and tries to kill my other dog. It took several minutes for my wife & I to get them separated, and I got bit on the arm in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By bloobalooby - 15/02/2016 20:59 - United States - North Las Vegas

Today, I had a fantastic Valentine's Day. Me and the guy I've been seeing had a great time right up until the end of the night. The condom broke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By precious pimples, batman - 15/02/2016 20:54 - United States

Today, I told my girlfriend a while back that I'm okay with her (admittedly weird) compulsion to squeeze blackheads. I didn't know however, that I would be waking up to her pinching the hell out of my face for what was the fifth morning in a row this week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By random - 15/02/2016 20:53 - United States - Gillett

Today, while eating a English muffin I somehow broke my tooth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By TimeToPutMicrowaveInLockedSafe - 15/02/2016 20:51 - United States - Mobile

Today, I accidentally discovered that some metals are microwaveable, bad news is my mischievous, disobedient 12 y/o witnessed my accident and now experiments with various metals when left alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By 50ShadesofNope - 15/02/2016 20:39 - United States - Clyde

Today, my mother confessed to me that she's cheating on her current boyfriend of 3 years. The same boyfriend she cheated on her previous boyfriend with. And by previous boyfriend, I mean the one she cheated on my father with. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By ChanniLeigh - 15/02/2016 20:33 - United States - Traverse City

Today, (technically Friday) I found out I was denied foster care because a neighbor I don't even know was found on the sex offenders list, so I'm not "qualified" enough to be a mom because I don't go dig shit up on my neighbors! I spent Valentines day in tears! FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By NellieeNell - 15/02/2016 20:25 - United States - Charlotte

Today, I agreed to meet up with a guy from tinder I've been talking to for a month. I felt like we hit it off instantly. He even kissed me good bye when he left. Apparently that meant good bye forever, because now he won't respond to my texts and even unmatched with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Clanesda - 15/02/2016 20:03 - United States - Des Moines

Today, I was at the orthodontist office having my braces taken off. The doctor put a hard plastic mouthpiece in my mouth to keep it open. He starts telling me about how he's just come back from sick leave. I then watched in horror as he sneezed into my open mouth, while I can't shut my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Kitagora - 15/02/2016 19:48 - United States

Today, is my anniversary, yesterday was Valentine's day. 4 days ago I had my gallbladder removed. What did my wonderful fiance do to celebrate these wonderful days? Gave me chocolate ex lax, asked for a blow job and yelled at me when I reminded him that he had to feed the kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By anonymous - 15/02/2016 19:36 - United States - Dallas

Today, my brother was so mad at me for beating him in 2k16, that he proceeded to drop a hammer on my balls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Miss_Chevious - 15/02/2016 19:27 - Pakistan

Today, my father borrowed my laptop and 'accidentally' deleted the only copy of the 60,000 words novel I was working on. Guess who doesn't have backup? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Anonymous - 15/02/2016 19:25 - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, I am in the most depressed state of my life. Why? My now ex girlfriend cheated on me with her uncle and is now in a mental hospital receiving support and treatment. Meanwhile I have been told to be the better person and not take this to the police and rather move on with my life.FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By brendanr16 - 15/02/2016 19:21 - United States - Ithaca

Today, I found out that even though my girlfriend didn't get me a gift for Valentine's Day, I still got something: herpes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By alistair - 15/02/2016 19:15 - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me twice, kicked me in the nuts for getting her thorntons instead of Cadbury for Valentine's Day, then gave me half a blowjob as an apology before announcing she's cheating on me and leaving me pissed off, blue balled, heart broken and in need of vodka FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By IpukedOnSomeone... - 15/02/2016 19:13 - United States - Ridgeland

Today, I found out I'm a sympathetic puker. How did I find that out? I was doing a clinical for paramedics because that is what I'm majoring in. Well, was majoring in. That's 2 waisted years, and $13,000 of debt I have to pay back. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By drayloon - 15/02/2016 19:08 - United States - San Bernardino

Today, the only text or message I got on Valentine's Day was from my ex-girlfriend, bragging about getting laid with her new lover. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By bradix1186 - 15/02/2016 19:06 - Philippines - Cebu

Today, what seemed like a smell of a dead animal wafting from my shorts reminded me that I haven't changed my underwear for a week now since I decided to move out from my parents house, telling them I could do things on my own. Now, I have to go back and accept that they were right all along. FML

I agree, your life sucks 0

You deserved it 2

By Gr8 Job - 15/02/2016 19:05 - United States - Cape Coral

Today, me and my boyfriend of a year broke up. He claimed he was too busy with work and school to hang out on Valentine's Day. I guess weed and his friends are named Work and School. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By TryingToHelpTheElderly - 15/02/2016 19:04 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I drove a golf cart with an elderly couple trying to find their car in a very large parking system on a cold, dark, and foggy night to no avail. Only to be yelled at for being useless by security who were sitting around playing cards. I'm a first aid student volunteer trying to help out. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By mondaymadness - 15/02/2016 19:00 - Namibia

Today, after a weekend of non-stop booze intake, I threw up last night's dinner and vodka onto my boss's shoes worst part comes in when the diarrhoea kicked in and couldn't rush to the toilet on time, all infront of a potential client. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 1

By anonymous - 15/02/2016 18:46 - United States - Gering

Today, I found out that my step-sister is firing my girlfriend from the job we all work at.FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 1

By CLOTHESPlN - 15/02/2016 18:44 - United States - Omaha

Today, for my sore throat, I had a few sugar free cough drops my mom gave me. Turns out the artifical sweetener they contained gives me extreme gastrointestinal distress. Not only am I out with a cold, it feels like I have food poisoning. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 2

By Forever Alone - 15/02/2016 18:29 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my mother told me, 'Yesterday I woke up beside your father and he gave me simply loads of gifts. What did you get, a notification saying your storage is full?' I didn't want to admit that that was exactly what I woke up to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By WellShit - 15/02/2016 18:18 - United States - Everett

Today, while on non-work related medical leave, I learned that my insurance company will not cover my leave. Not only that, but I lost my state-covered disability assistance I've had all my life and have to pay the money back. I can't pay my medical bills now and can't work for another 6 weeks. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By fuckboy - 15/02/2016 18:03 - United States - Sandusky

Today, I was having sex with this girl I met and we were in my room. She was in her back and I was giving it to her and right before I busted all over her neither of us heard my mom walk in. My mother saw me blow my load all over this girls body. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 1

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The Top

Today, my daughter must be punishing me for something. She's dating a boy who dropped out of high school to “escape the system” and yet loves collecting unemployment benefits, and refuses to read books because he hates not knowing what the characters really look like. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 202

You deserved it 165

Today, I was standing in line at a coffee shop and I noticed that there was a bug on the guys face in front of me. Trying to be nice I lightly smacked it off. His reaction was to punch me in the face. Repeatedly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 537

You deserved it 46 651

Today, my boyfriend scolded me for asking whether he’d like his favorite soup for lunch when he was, "in absolutely no shape to survive ingesting food." Two hours later he's greedily digging into an almost expired pack of cheap and nasty supermarket waffles from out of his bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 636

You deserved it 123

Today, I took the train to work. There was an older man standing behind me. Everytime I tried to edge away from him, he edged closer. Everytime the train rocked even slightly, his crotch made contact with my behind. It was an extremely bumpy train ride. I could also tell when he became hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 318

You deserved it 3 052

Today, an injured guest stopped at the front desk of the hotel and raved about my kindness and 'commitment to customer service'. He told my boss about how I'd gone to the ice machine and personally delivered a bag of ice for his injured knee. Guess who got written up for leaving the front desk? FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 058

You deserved it 2 584

Today, I was involved in an intense argument with my dad. Just as I yelled, "You haven't done one thing for me", my phone rang. The same phone that, as of today, my dad no longer pays the bill for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 420

You deserved it 5 142