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The all-time greatest FMLs

Assumptions

By Anonymous - 28/08/2021 00:00 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I was feeling pretty cute in a black dress. Apparently, that makes me "emo" and an "online dater". FML

I agree, your life sucks 798

You deserved it 130

Fun for all the family

By Anonymous - 14/04/2021 02:00

Today, my mom and dad got into a fight, during which my dad said to my mom that her health conditions were of her own doing. Because of that, I got pissed and had a fight with my dad, taking my mom's side. Turns out, my mom took his side and ratted me out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 798

You deserved it 291

Willpower

By Anonymous - 11/09/2019 14:00

Today, I started my new health kick with granola for breakfast, salad for lunch, and hitting the gym after work. I was so proud of myself, until I couldn’t take it anymore and binged at McDonald’s. My health kick lasted 11 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 798

You deserved it 1 811

Don't touch me, bitch

By Grace - 14/11/2020 23:02

Today, I found out that when you try to pick up my cat, its response is to let out the most stinky fart it can. FML

I agree, your life sucks 797

You deserved it 229

Nature calls

By Anonymous - 27/03/2023 14:00 - United States - Portland

Today, I was on a first date with a guy I met online. He seemed nice at first, but as we were walking he suddenly stopped and said, "I have to pee." He walked over to urinate on a nearby tree while I awkwardly stood there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 797

You deserved it 158

It's a learned behavior

By laurilove7 - 27/04/2021 20:01

Today, I got a phone call from my daughter’s school. Turns out, an African-American girl approached her and tried to play with her, but my daughter cut her off and said, "I don’t want to play with a black person." I have no idea where she learned this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 797

You deserved it 1 368

Go get an Xray, dude

By WaychulMonster - 17/07/2022 04:00

Today, I was on autopilot, walking out of the bathroom, and separated my pinky toe from the rest of my toes over the door frame. I dropped to the ground in pain, and my toe and half my foot still hurts hours later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 797

You deserved it 168

Brace yourself

By Anonymous - 05/04/2023 06:00 - United States - Tempe

Today, my orthodontist thought it would be a good idea to put braces on the teeth in the very back. One bracket popped off twice, after which he shoved a metal band in my mouth onto one of my teeth, cutting my gums, and causing gushing blood. Now, I can’t eat anything unless it’s baby food and I have a lisp. FML

I agree, your life sucks 797

You deserved it 129

One law for me…

By Anonymous - 21/12/2020 17:02 - Australia

Today, I got disciplined for sleeping on night shifts, by my boss, who also sleeps on night shifts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 797

You deserved it 405

Reel to real

By Anonymous - 05/08/2023 20:00 - Tunisia - El Fahs

Today, the date I was supposed to go on got pushed back for a week, because she told me she was too sick to go out. A bit later, she posted a reel of her out with friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 797

You deserved it 95

Love is love

By PetNameNoy - 08/05/2021 23:59

Today, my girlfriend is giving me the silent treatment and is making me sleep on the couch, all because I said I loved my best female friend. I meant loved like family. She still won’t hear me out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 797

You deserved it 806

Life imitates art

By Anonymous - 02/05/2025 12:00 - United Kingdom - Castleford

Today, so you know how in the movies there’s a dad who discovers he’s not actually the dad because they had to get a DNA test, and it’s funny because it’s all just a movie. Real life isn’t that funny. My twin boys had to go to hospital for blood tests and so on, and it turns out they’re not mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 797

You deserved it 78

Partaaaaaaaay !

By Anonymous - 11/02/2021 23:01 - Germany

Today, being unemployed and under lockdown, my idea of a party is driving to the dentist and turning the sound system up in my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 797

You deserved it 139

Entitled

By Anonymous - 18/06/2023 15:00

Today, I know my ex has spoiled our daughter. How do I know this? Because I got her a low level job at the same company as me, got her first paycheck and legit asked me, “Is that it? Where’s the rest of my money?” What rest of her money? That’s her wages for a months work. Curse my rich ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 797

You deserved it 227

Buttmunch

By Anonymous - 24/04/2023 06:00

Today, my boyfriend came back from basic training, gave me a kiss, turned me around, pulled down my pants to eat my ass, and said, "I missed this." Thanks, I'm glad you missed my asshole over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 797

You deserved it 524

Manipulation

By Klaus - 02/07/2023 22:00

Today, my girlfriend of over a year said, "Being loved by you is the most beautiful thing I've ever experienced. I'm so thankful I now know how it feels to be treated with kindness…" Then the word "but" and her abusive, estranged husband's name were uttered in the same sentence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 797

You deserved it 157

Freaked out

By anomynous - 05/04/2021 05:00

Today, my workplace replaced all of the toilets in the store with automatic toilets. I have an anxiety disorder, and I can't use them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 797

You deserved it 397

The old "It's not you, it's me"

By WhoopsIDidItAgain - 14/07/2022 10:00 - United States - Fremont

Today, my boyfriend of 3 months decided to end our long-distance relationship out of the blue, because he "lost interest" and "our families don't approve" and "you deserve better than me" and "I'm holding you back." He took my heart and shattered against the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 797

You deserved it 345

Wait til you're 50

By Seriously - 08/01/2023 18:00 - United States

Today, I've reached the age where I get really dizzy and my vision blurs if I stand up too fast. I'm 19 years-old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 797

You deserved it 224

I hate my job

By Moo - 25/05/2022 14:00

Today, awaiting the end of my shift at a call centre, I received my last call. The caller had a riddle: “What’s a cow’s favorite place to go? The moooo-vies!” He then laughed like a hyena and hung up. I wish I could pay my rent with riddles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 797

You deserved it 149

Weird friendship, but OK

By Anonymous - 29/06/2021 14:01

Today, I'm completely in love with my best friend, who I've known for over 10 years. I can't get him out of my head. Too bad he's married, with 2 kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 797

You deserved it 475

Lonely, so lonely…

By Anonymous - 23/04/2022 14:00

Today, as I watched my male and female dogs frolic, play, and lick each other, it occurred to me there's more love and romance between them than I have ever had in my whole damned life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 797

You deserved it 182

Equality

By Anonymous - 03/12/2020 23:05 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, I gave my wife a £55 gin Advent calendar. She gave me a £1 one with chocolates i don't like. FML

I agree, your life sucks 796

You deserved it 260

What does it all mean?

By Anonymous - 20/10/2022 16:00

Today, I once again realized that I have no idea what I am supposed to do in this life, and don't know what to do with myself. I just live because that's the easiest thing to do, and try to entertain myself while searching for meaning. The meaning to my life; what I should pursue. I've been searching for a long time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 796

You deserved it 305

Disproportionate response

By pick up after your dog you lazy piece of shit! - 09/06/2023 00:00

Today, having such terrible social anxiety and being terrified of confrontation, I confided in my apartment's maintenance man about my neighbor not picking up her dog’s poop. He assured me he’d handle it. He reported her to the leasing office, and now she and her kids are getting evicted. I feel bad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 796

You deserved it 296

The '80s called

By Anonymous - 20/03/2021 13:59

Today, I received three phone calls and three long and rather monotonous messages on my answering machine. Literally monotonous. As in, repeating the same tone over and over. The caller was a fax machine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 796

You deserved it 103

Pour some more funny!

By Bruce - 12/03/2023 00:00

Today, my alcoholic friend, who is now sober, told me I was a lot more fun when he was drinking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 796

You deserved it 163

Haunting

By Anonymous - 01/09/2023 22:00

Today, an ambulance took away the woman from next door. I thought that the flat was empty since I’d never seen her, but turns out she’d been dead for 2 years. She died in bed, meaning every time I went to sleep in my bed she was only 2 feet away on the other side of the wall. I’m now super creeped out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 796

You deserved it 179

Tact

By FalkensLabyrinth - 04/02/2021 01:57 - United States - Gardner

Today, my mother offered to give my overweight girlfriend the workout DVDs that she no longer needs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 796

You deserved it 217

Push through the pain barrier

By Renee Simard - 18/09/2021 23:00

Today, despite being unable to stand for more than a few minutes at a time or walk farther than a few hundred feet, the doctor told me to begin doing 30 minutes of non-stop exercise everyday. He literally said, “Don’t stop for 30 minutes every day.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 796

You deserved it 221

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The Top

Today, I was supposed to finally go out with my guy friend that I have liked for a long time. He told me he would text me, and after waiting for hours for the text, I finally got it. It said, "Guess what!? I just got laid!" He forgot our date, had it off, and I congratulated him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 185

You deserved it 8 895

Today, my girlfriend, who is very self conscious about her body, finally decided to have sex with me. She told me to wait a few minutes, so I did. I stripped and turned around to find her in a one-piece swimsuit, with a hole cut out of the crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81 827

You deserved it 8 528

Random

Today, I went with my friend door-to-door selling chocolates. We went to the first house, and the guy decided to buy a chocolate from each of us. He didn't have change and neither did we, so he just took the chocolates and slammed the door in our face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 947

You deserved it 7 058

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me. I would be ecstatic if he hadn't stuck the ring on his balls and asked for a blow-job. He even confessed that the original plan was to stick it on his penis but it was too small. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 823

You deserved it 6 237

Today, my landlord sent me a text asking me to please keep it down because our loud Wednesday night sex sessions are disturbing other tenants in the building. Wednesday is my night shift every week so my wife is home alone, or at least I thought she was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 765

You deserved it 325

Today, I decided to use the disabled toilet in work to get a little extra privacy while I did my business. The cleaners who unlocked the door from the outside and barged in on me were nice and waited until I finished to apologize and explain there were complaints the door had been locked for days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 151

You deserved it 494

Today, I got a lecture from my mother about how bad my stress has been, how I have to treat myself better and do something with my life. She still doesn't realize that most of the cause of my stress has been from her berating me about how stressed out I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 951

You deserved it 116

Today, my date saw me naked, and was disgusted that 1. I shaved my pubes into a landing strip instead of completely bald, and 2. I missed a few hairs below my knee while shaving my legs. His actual words as he was half out the door were that he "wanted Princess Leia, not Chewbacca." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 248

You deserved it 290