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Caught short

By highleyj - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I ran to a public bathroom because of explosive diarrhea. In the middle of it, I noticed there was no more toilet paper nor paper towels remaining. The smallest bill in my wallet was a 5. I had to pay 10 dollars to wipe my own butt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 94 531

You deserved it 20 022

Rules are rules

By aw-wtf - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, at work, a man bought a lot of really expensive stuff. He paid the large bill with cash, and the manager helped me count the money. When we were done, he handed me a $100 bill to thank me for all the help. We can't accept tips. The manager was next to me. I had to say no. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 612

You deserved it 3 930

It's not what you think

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Smyrna

Today, I took my 4 year-old son to the bank with me. He asked why we were going, and I explained that I had a couple of checks that they would turn into money. When we got in line, he loudly exclaimed, "Mommy has checks for money!" Except "checks" sounded almost exactly like "sex." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 937

You deserved it 4 653

First and last date

By hairless by death - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Santa Rosa

Today, I went on a date with a guy I really liked. The date was going great until he decided to try flossing his teeth with my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 632

You deserved it 4 284

Tetchy

By are these people even HUMAN? - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Bristol

Today, a customer pulled a knife on me after I informed him that we'd run out of avocados to put on his pizza. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 393

You deserved it 3 836

Hey you

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Today, I was waiting at the bus stop and noticed a girl that I played netball with. I ran across the road to meet her and she ran across the car park to meet me. We hugged and looked at each other slowly backing away as we both realised that we didn't know each other. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 022

You deserved it 7 557

Dirty old bat

By grannysmack - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, as I was bent over at my waitressing job, an elderly woman walked by and smacked my ass. I looked at her, shocked, and she said, "It was too tempting with you bent over like that, I have a dirty old mind." I didn't know whether to be flattered or horrified. Maybe both. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 180

You deserved it 6 616

Bunch of dorks

By leela - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, a group of guys came into my restaurant, dressed up in some kind of role-playing game clothing. Apparently I pronounced one of their fake elf names wrong, because the guy complained to my manager, who then bitched me out in front of everyone for upsetting the customers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 983

You deserved it 4 903

Perfect date

By maebyf - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, my boyfriend of three years proposed to me. He brought me to our favorite restaurant and ordered expensive champagne. It was all very romantic, until he got on one knee and I farted out of surprise. Loudly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 331

You deserved it 8 472

Walk, don't run

By ohdang - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, whilst babysitting, I broke a glass. I explained to the kid that it was very important not to walk barefoot around where it had happened, because of the tiny bits of glass. He jumped back, scared, and while doing so tripped. I rushed to help him and ran through the broken glass. Barefoot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 639

You deserved it 12 997

Language of love

By TheGirl - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was snuggling with my boyfriend on the couch. We ended up falling asleep, and when I woke up I felt a slobberly substance running down my face. It turns out, my boyfriend drooled so much, it filled my ear and overflowed onto my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 719

You deserved it 3 998

Quit it

By hatethatiloveyou - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my crush talked to me for the first time. He told me to stop staring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 166

You deserved it 15 027

Biker troubles

By Crotch_Rocket_Rider - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, when approaching a stop light on my motorcycle, I went to extend my left leg as usual to balance when stopped. Apparently my shoelace loop got wrapped around the shift lever and "tied" my shoe to the bike. It's hard to look cool when you fall over for no apparent reason at a stoplight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 964

You deserved it 7 831

Keeping up appearances

By clarakipper - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - Canada - Toronto

Today, I found out that the vacation my mom has been planning to "repair our relationship" was just an opportunity to change her Facebook profile picture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 696

You deserved it 2 764

Glad for you

By Forever Alone x2 - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I found out that the only two people I've had feelings for in years are both dating each other. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 330

You deserved it 4 150

What's her secret?

By Anonymos_fmler - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Franklin Park

Today, I was shopping when a woman stopped me and asked me what lipgloss I was wearing because my lips looked gorgeous. I had to explain to her it was just the grease from the Slim Jim I had just eaten. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 144

You deserved it 5 370

Loot

By ScrewedForCheapBag - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Sacramento

Today, my car got broken into. A small folded plastic bag and a few toothpicks I got from a restaurant were stolen. It's going to cost me a few hundred bucks to fix and clean my car over a 10 cent bag and a few free toothpicks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 738

You deserved it 2 677

Wine about it

By ojskyguy - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Pearl

Today, I knocked over and broke one of two very expensive wine bottles. As I was using the mop to clean it up, the handle knocked over and broke the other. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 622

You deserved it 9 112

MOOOOOM!!

By i_am_forever - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - San Francisco

Today, my daughter was putting clothes in the drier when she yelled, "Mom!! The drier won't start!" I had to explain to her that the door needed to be shut. Her response, "Oh. I didn't know that mattered." She's 15. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 043

You deserved it 6 219

Jump scare

By notahero - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Brentwood

Today, my boss told me she had a nightmare where her life depended on me, and I let her die. Now I'm ridiculously paranoid that I'm going to get fired at any second. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 626

You deserved it 2 671

Shopper crash

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Atwater

Today, a shopper approached me at Target and said, "So are you just gonna stand there to look pretty and do nothing around here?" I ignored his comment, until he got so upset that he wanted to speak to my manager. It would have been understandable if I actually worked there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 587

You deserved it 2 304

Abstract art

By anonymous - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, it took me five hours to paint my deck, only to have it ruined by the neighbor's cat running all over the wet paint. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 072

You deserved it 3 492

Can't stop, won't stop

By Matt8 - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I found out that my wife, who is supposed to be a recovering alcoholic, drank an entire bottle of wine and then tried to hide it at the bottom of a garbage bin. To make matters worse, when I confronted her about it, she tried to convince me that our 5-year-old daughter had drunk it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 735

You deserved it 2 158

Road rage

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Today, when I stopped at a light, I tossed a banana peel into a field along the side of the road. The man behind me got out of his car, picked up the banana peel and threw it back into my car at me. When I tried to tell him it was biodegradable, he told me to "stop making up words." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 075

You deserved it 34 416

So, thanks for having me

By kernelkat - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I found out the presentation I've been looking forward to and preparing for months only has three people registered to attend. I'll be talking to an empty room for an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 061

You deserved it 2 732

Gross

By raesos91 - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Houston

Today, I decided to look for the horrid stench coming from my bathroom. It turns out my roommate has been throwing away her used tampons in the "trashcan by the sink." That "trashcan" is my old antique vase. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 902

You deserved it 2 840

Well done sweetie

By Mommy - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my daughter watched a potty training video on Sesame Street. In the middle of the video, she got up and ran to her potty to practice. She then announced, "All done!", and proudly closed the lid to her potty. She then immediately stood on top of it and peed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 785

You deserved it 3 741

Best wishes!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Federal Way

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She got incredibly excited and started flapping her hands around. Then she suddenly went deadpan and said, "But seriously… No." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 327

You deserved it 1 965

Dress code

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Cincinnati

Today, at work, my boss asked me why I wasn't adhering to proper dress code. I pointed out that skinny jeans are in the dress code, to which he replied, "Only if you're skinny." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 655

You deserved it 13 529

Hierarchy of problems

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Arlington Heights

Today, I was telling my dad how my boyfriend dumped me yesterday. He responded by blowing his nose into his hand, wiping it in my hair, then saying "There, a REAL problem to whine about." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 577

You deserved it 2 971

FML on Facebook

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The Top

Today, I spent the whole day doing a 500 piece puzzle. The last piece didn't fit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 236

You deserved it 6 611

Today, I couldn't find my vibrator. After searching for an hour I decided to ask my husband. He quickly shook his head no. We've been married for ten years. I know when he's lying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 006

You deserved it 10 759

Today, feeling very distant from my daughter recently, I decided to sneak a peek in her diary to see what was on her mind. The book was apparently one of those that play the sound of a woman screaming when opened improperly, and alerted everyone in the house to my actions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 796

You deserved it 62 379

Today, I told my boyfriend that I didn't feel like he loved me. His response? "Why else would I be with you? Your looks?" He was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 543

You deserved it 8 699

Today, we were working with infant and adult CPR dummies. After practising flawless CPR on the adult dummy, I announced "And that's how you save someone." Then I tripped on the baby dummy and fell. My co-worker stood up and yelled out, "And that's how you kill a baby." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 658

You deserved it 30 327

Today, I decided to get back into shape and go for a run. With a 1/4 mile left to run, I saw a hot chick a block ahead of me running. Trying to show off I ran hard and passed her stopping just outside my complex. I started to throw up right as she came past me because I had run so hard to pass her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 740

You deserved it 63 981